


If I Had My Choice

by semperpugnandi



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/F, F/M, Hamilton AU, hamilton imagine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2018-10-05 13:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 60,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10309715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/semperpugnandi/pseuds/semperpugnandi
Summary: In a society where women receive one Choice to end up with the man they love, the stakes are high to secure a future. But while your younger sister Bethany is pining after the charming street merchant Alexander, you find yourself worrying about your family's dark secrets and whether or not you ever had a chance at a life at all.





	1. Ribbons Won't Hold Us Together

**Author's Note:**

> This is a multi-part imagine I am currently working on. It does not take place in modern times or in Hamiltime, but instead in a completely different universe. (Imagine a matriarchal society comprised of our Victorian era crossed with Alagaesia from the Inheritance Cycle.) Enjoy!
> 
> Spotify playlist inspired by fic: https://open.spotify.com/user/obdochlos/playlist/7s4DyuO4yuMLzUa2UNX8sp

Complete silence was exactly the way you liked everything.

No lords or ladies constantly badgering you with information. No hustle and bustle of the manor. No mother’s disapproving breath over your shoulder. Not even the tick of a clock.

Just silence.

Your eyes fluttered open and close as you stared out onto the grounds through the bay window. The book you intended to read sat underappreciated in your lap with your index finger marking your page, if you ever felt inclined to come back to reality. A light smile ghosted your lips as you marveled at the old willow tree at the edge of your property and all the secrets it held. You wished you could reach into the tree’s memories and take them for yourself.

The large wooden door across the room slammed open unceremoniously, and you flinched but remained determined to keep your position. “Mother can’t bring me to the marketplace today.” Your younger sister’s voice rang throughout the room. You could tell she was waiting for a response from you, but you had none to give. Silence, however, always overwhelmed your sister instead of soothing her.

“Y/N,” she started, a hint of impatience slipping into her tone, “will you please take me?” A sigh escaped from your lips.

You shifted in your seat so you were now observing your sister with your back leaning against the chilled window. Your sister’s face was trying its hardest to conceal its irritation–either from the fact that she had to ask you to accompany her to the marketplace or the fact you were considering not taking her–and you allotted her some credit for attempting. But the annoyance was there, clear as day. She was the easiest person to read.

“Bethany, you were just at the market not two days ago. What possible reason could you have for needing to go back?” you tried to keep your voice even, but you too found yourself straining to keep the irritation controlled.

She looked at you in disbelief. “Ribbons, Y/N. The ball is in three days, and I need more ribbons.” She stated it so confidently, you fought the urge to roll your eyes. Maybe when you were the second born daughter, such things truly did matter to you, you considered with a bitter taste in your mouth.

You shrugged your shoulders and turned back to looking out the window. “Have one of the maids go on a ribbon run then.”

Bethany huffed with great exaggeration and stomped out of the door saying “You never do anything for me.”

With a sigh, you closed your eyes and counted to ten. When you opened them again, you sat up, replaced your finger with a ribbon in the book, and gracefully slid off the window seat. Sliding your cloak off your bedpost, you made your way out the door Bethany so graciously left open for you.

As you expected, Bethany stood with her arms crossed and sulking against the wall beside your door. “Well, let’s go,” you stated begrudgingly. As you swung your cloak over your shoulders, your heart warmed at the sight of Bethany’s face lighting up. She squeezed you in a quick hug, and then bolted down the hallway, leaving you to catch up in her wake.

The carriage was already mounted, ready and containing its first eager passenger by the time you reached it. You swung your body up into the carriage and sat across from Bethany, who was bouncing with excitement. Honestly, you never thought you’d seen someone so excited for ribbons.

Watching your sister’s face grow brighter with every turn resurfaced a plethora of memories that were painful now. She was four years younger than you–just fifteen–and she never could quite understand why you grew up. But the responsibilities you held as the eldest daughter were responsibilities she never had to grasp.

All the games in the gardens and doll playdates in the ballroom rattled around in your brain. Observing the girl in front of you right now, you realized she was just that. A girl. But you had become so much more in the past years. And becoming a woman meant becoming weighed down with responsibility. You hated it.

You hated the way Bethany giggled around suitors. You hated the way Bethany gossiped about the girls in town. You hated the way Bethany begged you to make special trips to the marketplace for ribbons. You hated the way Bethany didn’t grow up with you.

But to ask her to grow up would be asking her to leave behind the little girl she was. And if that little girl got left behind, so did everything the two of you once were.

So instead you stayed silent and distanced yourself to preserve her. And through strained smiles and reluctant trips to the marketplace, you held your sister at an arm’s length. You knew it wouldn’t work forever, but it was all you could manage right now.

The carriage jolted to a stop, signalling your arrival to the marketplace. You barely registered you were no longer moving before Bethany was up and out of the carriage in a flash. Scrambling to follow her so you weren’t to lose her in the crowd, the thought cross your mind to just wait for her in the carriage. But you quickly shook it from your mind with all the rumors of kidnappings flying around.

You caught a glimpse of her hair moving confidently through the crowd towards a stand. Gritting your teeth, you ignored the icy draft that began to fill your veins when you realized exactly which stand she was heading for. This wasn’t a ribbons trip. But it mostly certainly had to do with the ball.

By the time you caught up to her, Bethany was already shamelessly flirting with the owner of her favorite stand. You made your appearance known with a large puff of indignance, but neither paid you any attention. You watched annoyed as the two flirted with each other, and you passed your time by shooting the young man glares. There was a whole list of reasons you would not hold back from sharing with Bethany on the carriage ride home as to why this was completely inappropriate.

“Y/N isn’t this beautiful?” Bethany caught you off guard and turned around eagerly to show you the bracelet she must have just been encouraged to buy, and you swallowed your anger and quickly forced out a smile. If she caught your originally stone hard face, she decided to ignore it. “Alexander just gave it to me as a present,” Bethany stated proudly, looking back at the stand owner who was smiling at her sweetly. You bit your tongue.

You heard a chorus of girls shout your sister’s name from across the way, and watched as your sister waved and ran to them grinning. Before she could reach her friends, however, your eyes were back on Alexander. You observed him observing your sister closely. His disheveled long dark hair blew across his face in the wind of the near-winter afternoon, but his eyes never left Bethany and the smile never left his face.

“Alexander,” you stated coldly. It wasn’t a greeting, but more of a warning. Becoming acutely aware of your presence, he stood up straighter and became indignant, which almost caused you to laugh. Even the sharp tongued Alexander Hamilton was no match for you. “I know what you people are about,” you stated cooly. A flash of rage shot through his eyes, but you ignored it and pushed on. “You flirt with susceptible young, high-ranking girls like Bethany to get their business and then break their hearts when they find out you were using them the whole time. Now-”

“Don’t mind me interrupting, but maybe I flirt with Bethany because she’s the sweetest, most genuine girl I’ve met in a long time,” Alexander shot back at you angrily. You rolled your eyes.

“She’s fifteen. Trifling with her feelings so she Chooses you just so you can raise your status is despicable.” Anger flowed through your voice straight to Alexander, who quickly became enraged.

“You know what’s despicable?” he asked, his face beet red. “Abandoning your sister.” Your blood froze as you clench every muscle in your body to keep from strangling him. But your expression must have betrayed your innermost thoughts, as Alex paused smugly. “What, you didn’t think we actually talked when we see each other? I know exactly how you tossed her aside as soon as your mother offered you a place at the table. You thought everything was okay between you two? Why do you think she comes to me when she needs advice or protection?”

You flew at him and threw your hands down on his stand with a bang. The noise caused Alexander to flinch slightly and attracted the attention of a few nearby shoppers. But after one look at the situation, they all looked away.

Alexander held your eyes without blinking, and your fists curled tightly until they hurt. “I’m am her sister,” you growled. “I will protect her.” You pushed yourself back from the table, not breaking eye contact with Alexander. “Stay away from Bethany,” you warned with a slightly threatening hint to your voice. His jaw hardened as he took a deep breath before he responded.

“As soon as she tells me to,” he replied, a smug look in his eye, knowing you’d been defeated. You clenched your fist and took a step forward.

“Y/N?” Bethany’s voice called out behind you. You stopped mid stride, closed your eyes, and took a deep breath, relaxing your hand. Pasting a lighthearted smile on your face, you turned to face Bethany, who now held several ribbons in her hand. She gave you a concerned and questioning look as her eyes flicked back and forth between you and Alexander. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Alexander too had a smile back on his face.

Always the first to let things go, Bethany shrugged and jovially skipped towards the table to get Alexander’s opinion on her new ribbons. You listened to them discuss them for what felt like several minutes before you decided you had had enough noise for the day.

“Bethany, we have to get going,” you said evenly. Bethany looked disappointed, but nodded her head so as to not anger you, as she often did after you did her a favor. But then she hesitated.

“Just… give me one more moment,” she said quickly, and before you could stop her she hurriedly turned back towards Alexander. “There’s a ball at our estate in just three days,” she explained animatedly. Your stomach dropped when you realized why she was bringing it up. “I find myself in need of an escort and-”

“George is your escort,” you cut in matter-of-factly, trying to pry Bethany away from the stand.

Bethany turned back to you and gave you a look that told you you were embarrassing her. “Peggy’s taking him now,” she whispered to you before turning back towards Alexander. “I find myself in need of an escort and I was wondering if you would consider it.” The last half of her sentence came out so fast, it was all squished together so you couldn’t interrupt her again.

You held your breath and glared intensely at Alexander. He knew how bad it would look if the hostess’ daughter brought a street dealer to the ball. But he was pointedly ignoring your glare.

His face was lit up as he responded he would of course be interested, and you had never wanted to strangle someone so much in your life. How on earth were you to explain this to your mother?

Bethany squealed and hugged Alexander from across the stand, and you absolutely could not stand the fact you couldn’t deny Alexander looked genuinely smitten with Bethany. With a huff, you roughly grabbed Bethany’s arm and dragged her back to the carriage, but even that couldn’t dampen her mood.

“Oh, Y/N, can you believe it? Alexander is perfect, and now he’s my escort,” she gushed to you as she climbed in after you to the carriage. Catching you off guard, she sat down next to you and kept animatedly speaking. “And after the ball, I’ll be able to invite him to the estate whenever. I want him to be my Choice so desperately. Y/N, this is exactly as romantic as you and John.” Not even the happiness she expressed in every body movement could suppress your frustration, especially after her last statement.

“Bethany, you’re being utterly ridiculous,” you stated coldly. Her smile faltered as she tried to find the joke. When she realized there was none, tears filled her eyes. “That was reckless inviting a stand boy to our ball. A stand boy who is four years older than you, no less. Think of the reputation of our family.” You were trying to keep everything building up in you from coming shattering out, but her last statement kept rattling around in your brain.

Her lip quivered at your words. “He’s not just a stand boy, Y/N. I want him to be my Choice, what do you-”

“Your Choice is a sacred decision, and not something you decide after flirting with someone for a few months. Think a little Bethany.” Your words were harsh and caused you both to flinch, but you kept going, unable to stop yourself. “You get one Choice in your lifetime. You get one shot at guaranteeing yourself a relationship with a good and loving partner. And you want to waste it on Alexander, of all people.”

This time Bethany couldn’t respond for she had started sobbing instead. And though all you wanted to do was hold her and comfort like you would have years ago, you still had one more thing left to say.

“And don’t you ever compare your stupid fling with Alexander to John and me ever again.”

There was so much contempt in your voice, you almost didn’t recognize yourself. Bethany turned away from you and huddled into a sobbing mess in the corner of the carriage. After a few deep breaths, you felt all your rage leave your body and instead felt an overpowering wave of grief wash over you. What had you done?

You watch helplessly as Bethany stayed huddled away from you. You barely noticed the streams of tears marring your own face, your mind was only running through ways to fix what you had just broken.

But none came to you. So you just stared.

Eventually, her sobs soothed her to sleep. Though it was selfish, you managed to gently adjust her body so she was leaning against you and you wrapped her into a tight hug. Burying your head in her long hair, you couldn’t stop the overwhelming sobs that took over your body.

When did you become completely disconnected from the girl who was once your everything?


	2. Be Careful Where You Go

It was amazing how quickly your mother accepted things when Bethany was upset.

All but five minutes was necessary of Bethany sniffling to your mother about her undying passion for Alexander before his invitation was approved. You stared in disbelief as your mother comforted your younger sister and dismissed her with a small cloth to dry her eyes.

Gritting your teeth, you turned with indignation to follow Bethany out the door without so much as a word to the lady of your house, but her voice rang out before you could make your escape.

“Y/N.” The tone was forced pleasantry, as you were used to at this stage in life. Your hand rested on the cool doorknob, and your body resisted the urge to continue walking out of the door. With a soft sigh, however, your gently pulled the door shut in front of you and cautiously turned to face your mother, never meeting her eyes.

“What did I tell you not two months ago?” Her voice was filled with a thick, syrupy sweetness meant to ensnare you and your words.

Still not meeting her eyes, your focus was trained on your hands that were firmly clasped together. “My position is merely a birthright,” you answered softly, attempting to keep any form of contempt or disappointment out of your voice.

“Correct,” she confirmed, and you could almost hear the snide smile in her voice. “You are my heir because of tradition, not choice.” Her presence was gliding effortlessly across the room towards you. “Because if I didn’t make you my heir, that would raise some questions as to why. And we don’t want that, do we?”

You could feel her body heat radiating off of her in the form of subdued anger right next to you. Focusing on steady breathing and not showing her you were intimidated, the only response you could form was a brief shake of your head. You flinched when you felt her cool hand grab your chin and force it upwards so your eyes met your mothers for the first time that day.

“You have the least authority around here to decide what and who disgraces this household. I train you because I refuse to allow people to speculate on how your impureness tarnishes our family name, but so god help me, if you use your position to ever claim authority over and hurt Bethany again, I will invent any reason to disown you, am I clear?” Her face was so close to yours, her breath scalded across your cheeks. Every bodily reflex within you urged you to shrink back, but you set your teeth hard and stared her directly in the eye.

Without even waiting for a response, her hand roughly let go of your chin, and she turned away from you. You stood frozen. “Go,” she commanded. And without hesitation, you turned sharply for the door and exited.

Once free, you stopped and took a few shuddering deep breaths to calm yourself down. It wasn’t the first time your mother had threatened you, and it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. Feeling the tears prick at the corners of your eyes, you quickly shook them away and walked down the corridors to your room.

When you reached it, you stopped short when you noticed the door was slightly ajar. You weren’t sure who decided to pay you a visit, but you decided immediately you weren’t in the mood. With a huff you pushed open your door.

“Well, if it isn’t my lovely escort to the ball,” a smirking Philip announced as soon as you walked in. Out of the corner of your eyes, you noticed he was sitting at your desk–as per usual–and paging through your novels. But you didn’t have the energy right now.

“I just got back from talking with my mother and I’m not in the mood, Philip,” you said flatly, without even glancing at him. You headed straight for your bed post as you struggled to untie your cloak. When you finally roughly tugged it off, you held it in your hands, defeated.

Philip came up from behind you and gently pulled the cloak out of your hands and set it on your bed. He lightly placed his hands on your shoulders and bent down to your eye level, but you intentionally stared at the floor because you knew what he was about to ask. “Y/N, please tell me she did not threaten to disinherit you again,” he begged, suddenly solemn and concerned.

You let the words hang in the air and forced a neutral expression, which you knew would be an answer on its own.

“God damn it!” Philip went to walk past you towards the door, and you turned and grabbed his hand quickly, stopping him with a pleading look in your eye.

“I know it’s terrible, but you talking to her will just make it worse,” you pleaded.

“Y/N, I’ve been watching her treat you like this since we were kids. It’s not acceptable,” he growled. The expression on your face must have given something away about your encounter with the lady of the house, because Philip immediately relaxed, but in a darker way. “She called you impure again, didn’t she.”

This time, you didn’t meet his eye because you didn’t have the strength to admit how much it hurt you for your mother to use those words. Instead of demanding a reply, however, Philip roughly pulled you in for a tight hug.

“It’s not right and it’s not fair,” he whispered into your hair. It was the first time you let the tears mar your cheeks after speaking with your mother. Then he pulled out of the hug and force your eyes to meet his. “You are not impure because you possess magic. That’s utterly ridiculous. You know that, right?”

Your eyes averted his with shame, and a look of disbelief and disgust crossed his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but you cut him off before he could start talking. “It’s not a crazy thing to believe. Our religion specifically states that any and all magic beyond that of our Choice is impure.”

“Get a new religion,” he demanded, and you looked at him helplessly.

“I’m not the lady of the house, Philip. I don’t get to make those decisions.”

You both sat in the silence for a few minutes, knowing the discussion of the topic wasn’t over, but you desperately wanted it to be.

“Why did you come here?” you tried to force out pleasantly. He stared at you hard, as if he was deciding whether or not to allow you to drop the issue at hand. You held your breath in anticipation.

Finally, he sighed and gestured to your closet. “The ball is in three days. I figured we’d get that stupid tradition of picking out each other’s formal wear out of the way.”

You exhaled and relaxed. Clothes you could focus on right now.

The next few days leading up to the ball passed rather uneventfully. You made sure to remain incredibly dedicated to the task at hand: preparing for the ball. You had helped prepare so many of these, your mother and you divided the responsibilities up evenly, to which you were grateful. It was easier to avoid her when you both weren’t doing the same things.

Two hours before the ball officially began, you sat quietly in your room trying to finish your book before the overtly loud evening began when a soft tap rung out from your door. You tried not to get your hopes up, but you couldn’t help your heart from soaring as you crossed the room towards the door.

When you swung it open unceremoniously, you couldn’t stop a relieved beam from settling on your face. There stood a timid Bethany looking up at you over her bunched up gown with wide eyes. “Please tell me Alexander doesn’t come between us getting ready together?”

You tugged on her arm and pulled her through the threshold of your room. “Of course not.” You had been anxiously waiting all day to see if she would show up in your room as she always did. And now that she had, it felt like nothing happened between you two. Everything was back to normal, and you could breathe easy again.

Beaming that your friendship was still in place, Bethany quickly stripped down to her undergarments and began shimmying on her ballgown. She pulled her long hair to the front of her body and patiently waited for you to lace up her back, a good fifteen minute process with dresses as extravagant as Bethany’s.

As you began a rhythm with over-under-pull-tie, the two of you waited in silence for the other to speak. Bethany finally did.

“Y/N, is it Alexander’s character or status you don’t like?”

You paused cautiously before continuing to lace her up. “Mostly his status,” you said slowly. “I don’t really know much of his character besides that he thinks it’s in your best interest to Choose down.”

Bethany bit her lip and hesitated. “But don’t you believe in a love that goes beyond the bounds of status?”

You sighed and waited a minute or two before responding. “Of course I do, Bethany. I just think you could do better than Alexander.”

She lowered her head in disappointment and you hated breaking her fragile heart. “Will you promise me something?” she mumbled quietly. You hummed in agreement. “Give him a chance? For me? Just one dance tonight?” She turned her head to look back at you, careful not to disrupt your process. Your eyes flicked up to hers, and you let out a sigh as you noticed the pure pleading in them.

“Alright,” you said softly, and your heart warmed as you immediately noticed her spirit change.

When you tied the last knot in her corset, you quickly stripped and threw on your dress. Bethany hastily tied up your back as you both realized it was nearly an hour before the ball was to begin and both of your escorts were to arrive soon.

Holding hands, you both made your way through the halls towards the ballroom. As you entered, you noticed a few people mingling here and there, but the first person who caught both yours and Bethany’s attention was the boy standing in the center of the ballroom. Bethany quickly dropped your hand and sprinted away beaming.

“Alexander! I’m so glad you could come!”

Alexander beamed back at her, and you tried to push down the envy in your chest for how he looked at her. You would give anything for John to be with you, looking at you like that. You took a deep shuddering breath to try and calm yourself down when you noticed Bethany animatedly relating something to Alexander and him glance up at you warily. Your eyes met, and you felt frozen to your spot as your breath hitched. As he turned his attention back to your sister, you blinked rapidly trying to assess what had just happened.

“So that’s the infamous stall boy?”

You turned and smiled gratefully at Philip behind you. “It’s about time you showed up,” you commented with a smirk.

“I was walking out the door, when Theodosia stopped me because I looked ‘dreadful’,” he told you with an eyeroll. Though you giggled at the remark, your heart tugged. You wished Theodosia could have came tonight.

The two of you heaved a sigh and placed placid smiles on your faces, professionals at surviving balls together. Philip offered you his arm and the two of you began making your rounds as the future lady of the house. The further the night went on, the more people there were to distract you. You were grateful for any excuse to not be out on the dance floor.

“Y/N!” You were talking to the lady of the Schuyler manor a few towns away when you heard Bethany’s call through the crowd. Excusing yourself politely, you turned to Bethany who was–not delicately–pushing her way through people to get to you. “Y/N,” she started again. “It’s time for you to fulfill your promise.”

You stared at her in confusion before it clicked. Your dance with Alexander. You tried your best to hide your groan as you turned to beg Philip for release. He stared at you in confusion and the looked back at Bethany quizzically.

Bethany huffed, annoyed that you hadn’t already explained the deal to Philip. “Y/N promised me she’d give Alexander a chance and dance with him once tonight.”

Philip raised his eyebrows. “You promised a dance to someone besides me?” he inquired, feigning offense. You rolled your eyes and lightly smacked him on the chest.

Sighing you turned back to Bethany. “Yes, okay. I’ll dance with him,” you told her begrudgingly. “Where is he?”

Her eyes lit up and she ran away calling “I’ll bring him to you!” You closed your eyes and tried to gain some composure before twenty minutes of contact with the boy manipulating your sister.

“Be careful.”

You opened your eyes and stared at Philip in confusion. “What do you-”

“I know it’s just a dance, but be careful with your feelings,” he answered solemnly.

Heat rose to your face as you realized what he was saying. “Philip, you can’t actually be suggesting that I would ever–that I could ever–what–what are you suggesting?” you sputtered in indignation.

But instead of responding, his eyes turned their focus on your arriving guests. “Alexander, you’ve already met my sister Y/N, but this is her escort, Philip,” Bethany said enthusiastically as she dragged Alexander up to you both. Alexander warily shook Philip’s hand.

Just then, everyone heard the band play the starting sequence for the next dance. You swallowed thickly and placed your hand inside of Alexander’s clammy hand, allowing yourself to be led onto the dance floor.

After a couple minutes of absolute silence, you began to stare enviously at Philip mingling on the outside of the dance floor with several ladies. He always had more fun at these events than you. Alexander however, read your expression completely wrong.

“Does it bother you he’s talking to all those women? Because if so, we can end this-”

“Why would it bother me?” you asked, a bit more harshly than you intended. He pretended not to flinch, but you still saw it.

Trying to seem more nonchalant, he shrugged his shoulders. “He’s your escort, so I would assume you’re courting him-”

“I’m not. Theodosia Chose him last year. We’ve known each other since we were little,” you responded with a tone of belittling him and his knowledge. He gritted his teeth at the fact you cut him off again. You honestly didn’t mean to act so pretentious, but for whatever reason, you couldn’t hear the ends of his sentences. But instead of going silent again, his chest puffed up.

“Well, you could just tell me that like a normal person, instead of biting my head off,” he commented venomously. This time, it was your turn to flinch at the anger in his voice. Your eyes met his and narrowed.

“If you wouldn’t assume things about me-”

“Just like you assumed things about me?” he demanded angrily. When you didn’t respond, he continued. “It’s not unreasonable to assume you’re courting your escort.”

“What’s not unreasonable about it?” you demanded, raising your voice slightly and slowing the pace of your dancing down. “May I remind you you are my sister’s escort, and you are not nor never shall court her.” His face turned to one of disgust and you couldn’t contain the anger boiling inside of you.

At this point, both of you stopped dancing on the middle of the dance floor. You could feel the eyes of most of the ballroom on you but you couldn’t stop the collateral damage that was already in motion.

“You are unbelievable,” he growled. “Putting your opinion before your sister.” His voice raised slightly at the end, and you knew everyone could hear his words. It was almost as if you could feel your mother’s daggers in your back. And you knew that right at that moment, you had a choice. You could walk away and hope it would all blow over and you hadn’t already completely ruined Bethany’s hopes that you and Alexander would ever get along. Or you could respond.

“You know what’s unbelievable,” you demanded, regretting every word the second it left your mouth. “The fact that you waltzed in like you’re supposed to be here and then got upset when I told you you don’t. If you belonged here, I wouldn’t have to explain any of this to you.” Your fists were clenched and white with anger, and your vision was beginning to blur.

Your breath hitched as Alexander leaned down and placed his face right in front of yours. He could try to hide the wounds you just inflicted on him, but you could see them plain as day in those beautiful eyes of his.

“Well, if you’re so convinced I don’t belong,” he began, he voice low and menacing, “then I suppose I’ll just take my leave.” And just like that, he turned and stalked out of the ballroom that was now so quiet, you could hear every click of his shoes.

The moment he was out of sight, your entire body slackened and began shaking. Suddenly to your left, you heard a wail cry out and panicked, looked to see Bethany sobbing to your mother, who you knew from the look in her eyes was at her breaking point. All of her threats were about to reign down on you.

You cowered from her gaze, and ignored the streams of tears marring your cheeks as you looked for solace within the crowd: either your father or-

“Let’s go,” a voice said roughly. You looked up and saw the serious face of Philip dragging you out of the ballroom as you attempted to keep it together.

As soon as you were outside, you couldn’t hold back your uncontrollable shuddering sobs any longer.

“I didn’t,” you started between each whimper, “I didn’t mean to.” You were hysterical. You had hurt Bethany more than you thought you possibly could. And you had hurt Alexander. And it was ridiculous, but that bothered you.

“Oh, Y/N,” Philip said softly, pulling you in for a hug. “I told you to be careful.”


	3. Apologies Don't Fix What's Broken

You woke up the morning after the ball to a persistent knocking at your door.

As you sat up from your bed, you winced at the stiffness that now inhabited your body. Glancing down, you noticed the blue fabric of your ballgown that still encompassed you. The memories from the night before flooded your thoughts, and it took everything in you not to curl back up in your bed and ignore the world for the day.

You told yourself you slept in the tight corset of your ballgown because you were too tired to change the night before. Remembering how you waited for hours just to see if Bethany would show up so you could undress together was pushed from your thoughts. One abandoned tradition didn’t mean anything.

A groan emitted your lips as you slowly made your way towards the door as the knocking continued. You swung the door open with little ceremony and surprised the messenger on the other side–hand still raised halfway through a knock. His shock quickly was swept away as he expression became serious.

“The lady wishes to see you in her office, miss.”

Your stomach inverted itself, though you weren’t surprised at the request. With a muted nod, you gently shut the door and stood there frozen for a few minutes. As if standing completely still and micromanaging your movements would allow you control every other aspect of your life right now.

With a shuddering breath to hold in your tears, you quickly undid your corset and climbed into something more comfortable to wear. Because, while you were being disinherited, it was important to be comfortable, you thought sarcastically, ignoring the lump that had found a home in your throat. With a sigh you looked once more around your room, longingly.

The walk to your mother’s office seemed to last an eternity. You attempted to stiffen your body so that your shaking wouldn’t show. When your hand touched the cool metal of her doorknob, your breath hitched, and you closed your eyes to take one last deep breath.

The room was cool and quiet when you entered, the nearing winter chill settling over you. The lady of the house stood stoically with her back turned to you. You stood in the silence for a moment before saying, “Mother?”

She turned slowly to face you, a sickening smile plastered on her face. “Your actions last night were irredeemable. Do you know the next course of action?”

You nodded silently, a thick lump forming in your throat as you refused to meet her eyes. But after a couple beats of silence, you realized she was waiting for you to say something. “After this meeting, I am to go to the market to apologize to Alexander. Then I shall come back and apologize to Bethany,” you said shakily, your voice cracking on “Bethany”.

“Your carriage is already ready,” your mother stated innocently, but you could feel her gloating radiating off of her.

You nodded silently and quickly turned to leave before she could see the tears slipping down your face. “Oh, and Y/N?” she called after you. You froze, your breathing shallow. “Do be careful,” she finished, with a fake pity filling your voice.

A wave of nausea hit you as you quickly stumbled out the door, sobbing. Without telling them where to lead you, your feet quickly ran the well known path to Bethany’s room. You had to see her, speak with her.

You collapsed in front of her door and began knocking loudly. “Bethany? Bethany, please,” you managed to call out in between sobs. You pressed your body flush up against the door, soothing your sobs slightly. Eventually, you accepted she wouldn’t come out and talk to you. With a shuddering breath, you stood up and left one hand pressed against the door. “I-I’m going to apologize to Alexander right now,” you assured her, fighting back the tears once again pressing against your eyes. “I’m sorry, Bethany. For everything. I love you.” And before you could lose the courage to, you ripped your hand away from the door and made your way out to the carriage, stone-faced.

You had enough crying for the past twenty-four hours.

The ride into the market passed in a blur. Bethany kept running through your head. You tried to remember the time she wrote you a story about a bear loving a mouse. How she looked up at you with wide hopeful eyes as the words “happily ever after” rang from her lips. But the image of her contorted, the heartbroken face at the ball last night haunted every memory.

The carriage jolted you and thankfully tore you from your thoughts. With a deep breath, you gently tugged open the carriage door and forced yourself out into the cold breeze. “I’ll only be a minute,” you told the carriage driver. He nodded solemnly and watched as you began to trek through the crowds of people to the stall you sought.

You paused momentarily when you could see Alexander clearly. He was eagerly selling a necklace to a young man, a glimmer shone in his eye as he convinced the customer his lover would appreciate the gift. Taking a large gulp of the cold, stale winter air, you began to move your feet forward, and when you got a couple feet away from the stall, he saw you out of the corner of his eye and stopped mid-sentence.

The moment his intense violet eyes met yours, your feet and breathing immediately stopped. The young man looking to buy the necklace still hanging in Alexander’s hand became frustrated with the merchants sudden refusal to speak. He huffed as he marched away from the stall, bumping your shoulder as he went. You didn’t flinch. Your eyes still held Alexander’s.

Finally, clenching your jaw and squeezing your hands into fists, you dutifully strode up to the stall owner who now bore a look of disdain for you.

“You made me lose a customer,” he muttered when you got close enough to hear. He was packing away the necklace he still held in his hand, his eyes finally leaving yours.

You stared at him for a moment. “I’ll add it to the list,” you commented, finally. He stopped and looked up at you, confused.

“List of what?”

Once again, you both gazed at each other with a tumultuous range of emotions. But you finally shifted your weight to your right foot and glanced down at your nervous, fiddling hands. “I came here to apologize,” you eventually admitted, both ignoring his question and avoiding his eyes. You heard him, scoff, however, and looked up indignantly with a fire in your eyes that matched his.

“Well, don’t I just feel special,” he commented sarcastically.

Gritting your teeth, you leaned forward aggressively over his stand, but he didn’t move an inch. “Listen, you can just accept the apology and not be an ass.”

This time he leaned forward until there was only mere inches between the two of you. Your breathing struggled to remain even. “Listen,” he began in a low mocking tone. You sneered at him. “You could just dance with me without insulting my knowledge or background.”

With a triumphant smirk and a sad spark in his eye, he turned away from you to finish organizing his wares. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, calming yourself down and urging yourself to respond civilly.

“You’re right,” you stated quietly. He paused where he was, but didn’t turn around to look at you. You took his cease of action as a signal to continue. “You’re right. My behavior was uncalled for last night, and you have every right to be angry at me.” He finally turned around and looked at you, hiding any emotions from his eyes. But you did want to make this right. You didn’t want him to hate you, and you didn’t want to hate him. And you just needed him to understand-

“It’s just, I get defensive when people bring up my Choice because-” Your sentence cut off as abruptly as it started, realizing you didn’t want to share that specific information with him. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and he opened his mouth to ask you what you were talking about. “Because it’s complicated,” you stated quickly before he could get anything out.

His eyes still shone in confusion, but he let your ambiguous comment drop. “Well, then I’m sorry too for bringing it up,” he stated sincerely. You both felt a weight come off your shoulders and just looked at each other relieved.

“Well,” you finally said awkwardly, panic beginning to seize your body, “I’ll see you around.” He nodded, and you forced a small smile on your face as you turned to walk away. It was time leave, time to go home.

You tried to take calming breaths as you made your way back through the crowd. Though you were surrounded by people, the world became silent to the pounding in your ears. The thought of Bethany waiting for you and hating you back home was almost enough to make you turn around and make Alexander bring you home. You paused for a second, tears pricking the back of your eyes. Finally, you took a deep breath, shook your head at the idea–imagining your mother’s fury if you were to show up with Alexander–and continued to move forward.

As you reached the edge of the crowd, you weren’t surprised to see your carriage no longer waiting for you at the market’s entrance. You swept the area with your eyes and located it on the edge of the forest, a good fifteen minute walk from your current position. Irritated and still tense, you began the trek.

A couple minutes into the the walk, the bustle of the marketplace was all but silent. The alcove the market was located in hid it from the rest of the world. You were essentially alone now, but kept a steady pace as you walked, your carriage nearing.

You heard the footsteps first. Your instincts kicked in immediately as your feet began to sprint towards your carriage, but it was a fruitless action in your dress. It took mere moments for two sets of strong hands to roughly grab your arms. You cried out.

“Shut up,” the one to your left muttered. He spit on your cheek, and you cringed as the saliva slowly trailed your jawline.

The approach of a small carriage with no windows was sounded on the cobblestone. As soon as it came into view, your instincts took over again. You screamed and wrestled with the men, trying to throw them off your arms. Tears began to streak down your face as their grip became tighter, no doubt bruising your arms, but you kept fighting.

As the carriage pulled up and stopped in front of you, the man on the right let go of your forearm to open the door. You knew this was your only hope, so you let loose, bucking and kicking, hoping for a miracle.

“Y/N!”

The voice came from behind you, and in the heat of the moment, you couldn’t place it. But it caught you off guard and you momentarily paused to look to see who it was.

The very moment you began to turn your head, you felt a fist slam across your left cheekbone. The strike left you dazed, and everything began to go black. Your body began to slacken; you barely registered the two men lifting you up into the carriage and shutting the door. You laid on the floor of the bare carriage, trying to remember what was happening.

You sat up slowly. A commotion was occurring outside the door. Groggy and confused, you lightly touched your cold fingers to the throbbing on your cheek. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion and-

“Y/N!”

And suddenly everything came rushing back to you. You knew where you were. You knew what was happening.

You were being taken.

Panic took control of your functions. Your heart began pounding and tears streamed from your eyes. Without telling your body to, you launched at the door of the carriage and began banging on it. “Let me out!” you screamed through your sobs.

On the fourth time of screaming it, you almost fell out of the carriage, as the door opened abruptly. Your head still pounding, you held your hand up to block the sudden sunlight. But before you could act, someone was pushed in on top of you, and the door once again slammed shut.

It took your eyes a couple moments to adjust to the dark carriage again, but when they did, you recoiled from the person now lying opposite of you. You jumped back towards the door and began banging again.

“Let him go!” you screamed frantically. “You know he’s not a part of this. Let him go!”

But the only response you got was the carriage jolting into action. The sudden movement caught you off guard and you tripped over and fell onto the man on the floor. You shifted off of him, and you both sat in a stunned silence for a few minutes.

“What now?” he asked you. You returned his question with a glare, and then looked away. You could tell from the corner of your eye, however, this made him incredibly irritated. “Y/N,” he demanded. “What no-”

“What the hell were you doing, Alexander?” You turned to him suddenly, all but screaming at him. He recoiled from your aggression, but still confusion was painted across his face.

“I followed you to thank you for the apology. It felt rude to just let you leave without telling you th-”

You slammed your fist on the floor of the carriage. “That’s not what I mean. What the hell were you doing to get yourself in here?”

He stared at you in disbelief, and then shook his head laughing satirically. “You know, usually a person would thank someone for trying to save them.”

“If they actually save them. But you’re in here with me. I refuse to thank you for anything,” you replied snidely. You both sat in a tense silence for a few moments.

“You’re not even a little grateful for the company?” he commented sarcastically, breaking the silence. You stared at him warily and curled your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them.

In a serious and soft voice, as the tears began to once again escape from your eyes, you mumbled, “You don’t know what’s upon you.”

His expression softened when he noticed your fear and allowed a little of his own to appear as well. Matching your serious tone, he asked, “Do you?”

But instead of answering, you buried your face into your legs and began to sob.

Bethany was still waiting back home.


	4. The Trade of Three Questions

Silence accompanied the both of you for the rest of the ride. Neither of you knew the direction you were going. You tried to keep track of the turns, but the road became windy and your count was thrown off. You passed the time trying not to think about anything or look at your fellow passenger. Both were unsuccessful.

When the carriage lurched to a stop, both your eyes met in a panic. What awaited you was here.

Your body remained rigid as the men began talking and joking jovially outside the carriage. Instinctively, you lunged backwards when the carriage door swung open. Chuckling lightly at your reaction, one of the men roughly entered the carriage and ripped you into the now setting sun of the outside world. You tried to turn and look to see Alexander one last time as they were pushing your forward to walk, but a quick yank of your hair set you straight.

Stumbling as you were roughly guided to where you needed to go, you let your eyes wander. You were deep in a woods you didn’t recognize. The already dead leaves of the trees surrounding you crunched underneath your feet as you noticed a small cabin in the distance. You swallowed thickly, knowing that would be your destination.

Your feet tripped over several branches and loudly disturbed the quiet nature of the woods. Closing your eyes, you forced yourself to focus. Listen to the wind and the stillness. The silence. Find peace before whatever happened next.

A hand on your shoulder pulled you to a rough stop. You stumbled and opened your eyes to find the beaten down cabin looming before you. A tight grip formed on your forearm as the man took out a ring of keys and unlocked the door. It swung open unceremoniously and hit the wall with a stale bang. You swallowed thickly.

Though it may have seemed like a cabin from the outside, it was more of a room with no windows divided in two by iron bars. This was a prison cell.

Before you could protest, the man pushed you inside cell so forcefully, your body slammed against the back wall. Heaving staggered breaths, you looked up at him with pleading eyes as he loudly clanged the bars shut. A single tear slipped down your face as you still stared in shock as the man exited the cabin, closing the door behind him.

You were left alone in the cold dark to wonder what was to happen to Alexander.

After what seemed like hours, but was probably mere minutes, you once again heard someone at the door. Your eyes shot up, waiting. Eventually, the door was once again opened, and through the dim light you could count the outlines of three men, one a bit scrawnier than the other two. You stood up hopeful, and much to your relief, you caught Alexander as he was push into the cell with you. Other than his hair looking more disheveled than usual and a black eye he seemed okay.

While it was unexpected they didn’t kill him, you were grateful they hadn’t.

Still holding Alexander up, you looked worriedly at the two men sneering at you from the other side of the iron bars. You noticed one holding some wood logs; he unceremoniously threw them into the small fireplace you just noticed on the opposite wall. A tiny weight was lifted off your chest when you realized the cell would be kept warm enough that you wouldn’t freeze.

Suddenly, Alexander ripped himself from your arms and slammed his body against the cell, angrily screaming, “Let us out, you bastards!”

Both of the men chuckled at his pathetic pleas, to which Alexander responded with a growl. One of the men walked straight up to Alexander, and when he was mere inches away, looked past Alexander straight at you.

Your stomach became a damp, desolated swamp when your eyes met him. Your jaw clenched, so as to keep your body from shaking with no prevail. His eyes just taunted you. You know why you’re here.

“Best teach your little friend here how to laugh at a situation like this. Irony doesn’t get much more prevalent,” the man darkly jested. A cold sweat broke out on your skin.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Alexander turn around and stare at you bewildered, searching your eyes for answers. But you kept your eyes trained on the men as they made their way out of the cabin. When the door shut, you knew they wouldn’t be coming back until the next day.

His eyes were still on you though, but you didn’t have enough strength to face them. Instead you turned to take your turn on the only cot in the cell first. Maybe after a few hours rest, you would feel better, and then Alexander could sleep on the-

“Are you serious? You’re just going to ignore me?”

You grimaced and remained silent. It was easier than-

“For the love of- Y/N we’re in this together.” His voice was pleading with you now, and you looked back at him with tears streaming down your face.

He didn’t seem to be expecting you to look so broken, for his mouth was open to say something, but no words came out. You wrung your hands as you looked at the man who shouldn’t have been in this cell with you.

“No we’re not,” you whispered. Then, without another word, you curled up in the cot, facing the wall, and attempted to keep your body from shaking too much through the sobs. Eventually, the sobs soothed you to a dreamless sleep.

When you awoke, you groggily shifted your stiff body to face the rest of the cell. The fireplace was still ablaze, and you could feel its heat on your feet. When you shifted again to allow your eyes to search for Alexander in the cell, you noticed a warm fabric resting on top of you. You sat up confused, swinging your legs over the side of the bed. As you grasped the fabric, you realized it was a cloak, but not yours.

“You looked cold,” a voice called from across the cell. Your eyes were still adjusting to the light level in the small cabin, so you squinted at the source of the sound. Alexander was sitting calmly with his back to the wall, his head resting sideways so as to look at you. You noticed he still wore a cloak of his own, and he laughed gently, sensing your confusion.

“I wear a lot of layers when I am to be outside selling in the winter,” he explained simply. You still stared at him, but the confusion was gone. He held your eyes for a few moments before he became uncomfortable and cleared his throat.

“They brought us each a loaf of bread–if you could call it that–and some water,” he stated, gesturing at lump of bread no bigger than two fists and two cups of water. You noticed one cup was already emptied of its contents.

You nodded silently, and then gingerly got up from the cot, leaving his cloak behind. Gracefully, you sat in the middle of the cell and crossed your legs, grabbing the stale loaf of bread. You picked at it silently for a few minutes before you looked up at Alexander, who was studying you carefully.

“How long was I asleep?” you asked quietly. He shrugged.

“I don’t have a good way to tell time, but I think it’s the evening,” he offered. You froze.

He looked at you concerned, with a piece of bread frozen in your hand halfway to your mouth. “I slept a whole day? I-I meant to give you the cot, I-I-”

“Hey,” he said softly, scooting across the cell to sooth you. His deep purple eyes searched, but for what you didn’t know. “You’re okay. I slept on the straw, which was probably just as soft. You’re still in shock. You’re okay.”

You nodded numbly and forced your hand to finish putting the bread in your mouth. Your eyes stared at the floor while you chewed and you tried not to focus on Alexander’s body heat next to you.

“Can I make a deal with you?” Alexander said suddenly. You looked up at him in confusion, pausing your chewing momentarily. When he had your attention, he continued. “I know you’re reluctant to talk to me or tell me anything, but since we’re going to be here awhile, I need something to think about. So I’m offering you a trade.” You furrowed your eyes in confusion. “Three questions,” he stated simply. “We each get three truthfully answered questions.” You bit your lip as anxiety filled your stomach.

What would he ask you?

Then you almost laughed. What did it matter what he asked you? You were both abducted in a cell in a cabin deep in the woods. Nothing could make it better or worse.

His eyes shone with hope as he asked, “Deal?” Reluctantly, you nodded, and a brilliant smile covered his face, so much so, you found yourself turning the corners of your lips up in response.

“Okay,” he said, suddenly becoming serious. “I have created several lists of questions in my head to ask you, but I think I have it down to my top three, so I’ll go first.” You rolled your eyes, but swallowed thickly. “Why do you hate me?”

Your eyes widened at the question and you froze. The words “Starting off light” were mumbled from your lips, and he smirked sadly. You fidgeted with your shoelace and then took a deep breath.

“I don’t,” you said quietly. When your eyes met his, he looked as if he were about to protest, so you quickly cut him off. “I know I act pretentious around you,” you continued. You heard him mutter “That’s an understatement”, but you ignored it and pushed on. “I truly don’t mean to, but I’m just protective of Bethany. She’s everything to me. She was my best friend growing up, and I know she thinks I abandoned her to, I don’t know, get power or something, but I just-” Your voice caught in your throat, and Alexander looked you patiently with sympathy as you struggled to find the words to continue. “I can’t let her into that part of the world. In other households, it may just be balls and politics, but our house holds too many dark secrets.” You pulled your knees to your chest and whispered, “I hold her at an arms length to preserve her.”

You moved your eyes up cautiously to meet Alexander’s. His shone with an emotion you couldn’t quite put your finger on, but before you could ponder it, you diverted your eyes once again. “Besides,” you continued, trying to use a lighter tone of voice without succeeding, “she’s wants to make you her Choice. And that’s a once in a lifetime decision. Of course I’m going to be critical of the man she chooses. I need to make absolute certain she will be happy.”

You both sat in silence, your words hanging in the air.

Then Alexander spoke. “If she chooses me–and that’s a huge if, as I highly doubt that will come to pass–you can be certain I would be the most attentive partner.”

You were silent for a few moments, fiddling with your shoelace again, when you finally mumbled, “Thank you, Alexander.”

“That does, however,” Alexander commented in a bit of a louder tone, “lead me to my next question.” You looked up at him expectantly, though you didn’t know what to expect. “Why is your Choice complicated?”

You immediately dropped your eye contact with Alexander and began shaking. His concerned eyes watched you carefully as you stood up and began pacing the cell. Finally you stopped and looked him dead in the eye. He sat unapologetically waiting, but still with a bit of concern in his eyes.

Your voice filled the cabin, shakily. “I want you to know that no one knows about this besides Bethany, my father, Philip, and Theodosia.” He nodded solemnly, understanding your plea for secrecy. With a large sigh, you continued. “About five years ago, I began seeing my best friend, John. He had worked odd jobs around the estate for most of his life, and Philip, Theodosia, and I befriended him when we were all quite young. He was my rock for a lot of years. And I know it sounds silly, but we were madly in love.” You paused choking back tears.

“It’s not silly,” Alexander defended. When you met his eyes, they flashed with resilience and you flashed him a grateful smile.

The smile soon fell from your face, however, as you sat on the cell floor with a defeated thump. “And then… He wasn’t protected like Philip was. He wasn’t a noble. He was drafted to fight in the war about two years ago. And I’m left here wishing I hadn’t been so terrified of telling my mother of the inferior relationship that we could have been out in the open, and I could have Chose him. He wouldn’t have been able to be drafted then.” You were silent a few moments and then whispered. “It will always haunt me.”

Alexander looked at you with such pity in his eyes, it took him awhile to find the words. “You can’t-” He grimaced and shook his head and tried again. “You can’t blame this on yourself. Though now I understand why you hate Bethany potentially courting someone inferior. It’s just proof your mother would have allowed you and John. And-”

“She wouldn’t have,” you squeaked. He stopped and stared at you.

“Surely if Bethany and I could-”

“No,” you stated again, more firmly this time. “Bethany and I are two completely separate beings. The rules for myself do not apply to Bethany.”

He stared you again, considering your words carefully. “Because you’re the eldest and of high rank,” he finally stated carefully, sure to avoid phrasing it into a question. You scoffed.

“Because I’m Y/N,” you stated angrily, not necessarily pointing the anger at him. “Because she’s Bethany. Because Bethany does no wrong. Because I am the dictionary definition of ‘wrong’. Because I taint the household. Because I am impure. Because I’m not one of her minions. Because I am the envisionment of everything that could go wrong in her life squashed up into one person.”

You were breathing heavily after the outburst and refused to meet Alexander’s eyes. “Y/N, I-”

“Next question,” you all but growled. You looked up at him with your intense expression, and he looked at you with his mouth hanging up and his sad eyes, and you wanted nothing more than to escape his pity. “Next question, Alexander,” you declared louder this time.

He looked as if he was pondering whether or not to push the subject or let it go. But he reluctantly decided to ask his final question.

“What did you mean yesterday when you said I wasn’t in this with you?”

Your jaw set as you looked at him with silent tears streaming down your face. “You’re a poor stall boy who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I am me–the despised daughter of Lady Aremine. In this situation, we are not the same. This will not end the same for both of us. You are not with me.”

He studied you carefully before he realized what you were saying, as you figured he would. “Do you know why we’re in here?” His eyes got wide as you averted yours. He quickly crawled over to you and took your shoulders in his hand and force you to look up at him. “Y/N: Do you know why we were abducted?”

You were silent for a moment before you whispered, “You’re out of questions.” He sat back defeated as you stood up and curled back onto your cot, once again allowing the sobs to soothe you to sleep.

The next couple days when you woke up to eat, Alexander didn’t speak to you. He always seemed deep in thought, and you noticed him staring at you out of the corner of your eyes, but you never addressed him.

A good day was when you were able to force him to sleep on the cot for once. On that day, he finally spoke to you again, and you regretfully admitted you had missed the company of someone else’s voice.

“I wish I had a paper and quill to write to pass the time,” he commented absentmindedly as he dug into his loaf for the day.

You sipped your water and then looked at him curiously. “What would you write about?” you asked quietly.

He looked at you as if he wasn’t sure whether or not to believe you had engaged him in conversation. Then he shrugged, without replying. You huffed.

“It’s one of my questions. You owe me a truthful answer: What would you write about?” you asked again, determined this time. You needed something to talk about, or you might go mad in this cell.

He sighed and looked at you reluctantly. “Anything. Everything. I would write made up stories of some of my customers. I would write about being abducted. I would write about everything I saw at the ball. Probably end up writing a thing or two about my mother.” His eyes warmed when he mentioned his mother, and you smiled slightly.

“I’ve never heard you mention her before,” you commented lightly. He gave you a side glance.

He uncomfortably shifted his position. “She died eight years ago,” he finally commented. “She was the last of my family.”

Your stomach dropped. You hadn’t meant to- “I’m so sorry,” you quickly stated. Your eyes were wide and he chuckled at them.

“Your fine,” he said sincerely. “She was pretty great though.”

With a smile, you looked back down at your bread. Then you absentmindedly mumbled, “Would have prefered her to mine.” You were both silent.

“Y/N?” Alexander inquired, breaking the silence with the serious edge in his voice. You looked up at him, a small smile still attached to your face, but as soon as you saw his expression, it vanished. “I get that you and your mother have differences, but mine’s dead.” There was so much passion behind his eyes, that you cowered a bit, while pushing back the tears in your eyes. “There is nothing in this world she could have done to you that would be worse than having her dead.” His words punched you in the gut, and tears began streaming down your face. “God,” he continued, even more angry than before, “every time I think you might not be a stuck up noble blooded pretentious bitch, you always prove me wrong.”

You froze, staring at the floor. After a few moments, you calmly swallowed the piece of bread in your mouth, took a deep breath, and looked up at Alexander. Anger was still written on his face, but it was almost as if he was expecting an apology.

But instead, you stared him dead in the eye, and in a monotonous voice stated, “My mother ordered to have me kidnapped and executed so her heir wouldn’t be a dirty blooded mage who ruins everything for her pureblood daughter.”

Alexander stared at you, saying nothing. The entire cell was at a standstill.

Finally, you pushed the rest of your bread at him. “Eat the rest of this, I’m not hungry,” you stated quietly, with an edge.

Then you silently climbed over Alexander to curl up once again in the cot.

It took much longer to fall asleep this time though.


	5. Which Way Will You Run?

Days passed before the two of you spoke again. You flowed into a rhythm: wake up, avoid eye contact, quietly eat half of your loaf, push the other half toward him, crawl back in the cot, and return to sleep. You were content with this set up, though you could never shake Alexander’s sad eyes staring at you. They never left. They followed you everywhere. And the thought of him always watching you–always observing every inch of you–made your skin crawl a little.

As the days wore on, your body began to feel lighter. The dress you donned almost two weeks ago now sagged limply on your body. One loaf of bread was barely enough to live off of, but now that you had halved your portion, your body seemed to leave you.

But you could never find it in yourself to finish it once it was in your hands.

One morning you got out of the cot and your body didn’t contain enough strength to hold you up. As you stood up, your knees gave out, and you fell back onto the bed with a thump. Swallowing thickly, you ignored the heat rushing to your cheeks and Alexander’s wide eyes watching you and gritted your teeth. Determined, you pushed yourself off the bed and walked slowly to the center of the room.

But when you sat down across from Alexander and held the bread in your hands, you merely stared at it blankly. You weren’t sure if you had it in you to put the food in your mouth.

Of course, you had noticed the change within yourself. The helplessness that now controlled your body. Admitting for the first time outloud that your mother was going to kill you had taken your last hope.

And now you were just left with the shell of a person staring at a loaf of bread.

“You’re letting her win,” Alexander commented slowly. Your eyes met his for the first time in days. His were wide with fear and concern; yours only held confusion. “I know what you’re doing. You can’t starve yourself to death. I won’t let you.”

You shook your head weakly and avoided eye contact. “I’m not,” you muttered quietly, but the words barely sounded from your dry throat.

“Then eat the bread,” Alexander commanded. It was a forceful reply, but when you looked at his expression, you could see the tears pushing at the back of his eyes. He was scared. Of what you couldn’t imagine. Of you dying? That seemed-

You shook your head again. “I just can’t-”

“Dammit, Y/N! Eat the bread! I will not watch you die! I will not watch you give up! Why can’t you just eat?” his eyes were wild now, and you didn’t know how to read them. All you knew was there were large tears originating from his beautiful eyes, and you couldn’t breathe. You didn’t notice the tears streaking down your face until you felt the drops hit your hands.

You roughly wiped the tears from your face, and began putting little pieces of the loaf in your mouth and chewing slowly. Alexander looked as if a weight had been lifted off of him as he sighed.

“Eat the whole thing today,” he demanded, and you numbly nodded your head.

When the last scrap of the loaf had been swallowed, your eyes stared into his momentarily emotionless. And then you broke down.

Sobs racked through what was left of your body as you curled up into yourself on the cell floor. You felt Alexander’s warm hands wrap around you and sit you up so you were leaning on him. After a few moments of soothing you and stroking your back, his calming voice rang out into the cell.

“I’m sorry. What I said the other day was completely-”

You shook your head violently. “No, you were right. I am a pretentious bitch. I try to do what’s best for everyone, but I only end up doing what allows me to deal with everyone easier. I don’t blame my mother for-”

“Y/N!” Alexander cut you off forcibly, shaking your shoulders. You slowly moved your eyes up to meet his, and felt the lump grow in your throat as you saw the pain. “You are not a pretentious bitch,” he started. “You are not any of those things I said, and I’m sorry. I know I’m going to regret saying those things for the rest of my life. But please don’t shut down on me.” Tears were scarring his face now, his sobs acting in rhythm with yours as your foreheads connected. You could feel his warm staggering breath on you, and you clenched your eyes shut. Your hands gripped the front of his shirt tightly as he whispered, “Please don’t leave me.”

You quickly shoved your head into his neck and wrapped your hands around him tightly. You felt his head bury itself in your hair, and you both stayed like that for a long while. His body was warm and his touch soft. You clenched to the little comfort he could offer for as long as you could, but eventually, you both had to pull away.

Softly, his hand caressed your hair as you sat back from him. Your body buzzed at the contact, yet you ignored it, mumbling you wanted to return to bed.

“Will you eat again tomorrow?” Alexander murmured softly. You gave a slight nod, eyes never leaving his. With this answer he was content, and before you could protest, his arms swept you off the cell floor and gently placed you in the cot.

As he turned to leave, however, your hand shot out and clutched his. Your eyes searched his wildly. “Please don’t leave me,” you requested quietly. You noticed a shift in his breath, and he gave a short nod in compliance.

Lightly, he removed your hand from his, and then quickly stalked across the room. You watched apprehensively as his arms scooped up a pile of dirty hay and his feet pivoted and returned him to you. Dropping his load to the ground silently, he began patting it down, and subsequently laying on it, right by your side.

“I’ll be right here while you sleep,” he promised softly.

Biting back the tears, you flipped onto your stomach and allowed your hand to hang over the edge of the cot. You gratefully squeezed Alexander’s warm fingers as they interlaced with yours. And for the first time since you were abducted, sleep took you calmly.

When you awoke, you wiggled Alexander’s fingers to notify him of being awake. Not long after you felt his squeeze back. Your eyes fluttered closed and you steadied your breathing to his rhythm, enjoying the silence and newfound comfort.

“How long have you known about your… gift?” Alexander’s whisper rang out into the room.

You remained silent for a moment. “I was three. My favorite toy flew across the room at me.” You paused for him to comment, but when he didn’t say anything, you continued. “My mother was furious. Insisted I had made a deal with someone. I was a toddler, but it didn’t matter to her. Eventually my father confessed that he was a mage; he’s been in exile in our household ever since. Mother brings him out for public events so people won’t talk, but any other time he moves like a ghost. I look up to him though.”

He waited for you to continue, but spoke when he realized you wouldn’t. “And after your father was exiled?” he pushed you to continue.

You shrugged, even though he couldn’t see your action. “She had Bethany as soon as possible. She needed another heir. The one thing we agree on though is to leave Bethany out of everything. She doesn’t know about my powers. And as far as I’m concerned she will never think of anyone but my kind loving father as her father–especially not the bastard my mother used to guarantee herself the ‘pure blooded’ heir she strived for.”

Alexander remained quiet for a long while, considering your words. “How old were you when you found out your mother wanted you dead?” An edge of angry wore in his voice; you shifted uncomfortably.

“She never directly told me. When I was eight, she summoned me to her office. She already had people visiting, so I waited patiently outside. I heard her voice ring out from the room: ‘I can’t wait to have her dragged away. She’ll fight, but in the end, I’m doing her a favor: she’ll no longer have to live with the wickedness inside her.’” You grimaced as Alexander’s hand tightened on yours in anger, but when he didn’t say anything, you continued speaking through the tears. “As her guests walked out of the room, they smirked at me. And then my mother came out with that grin, and just said ‘Oh, Y/N, darling. You didn’t hear anything you weren’t supposed to… did you?’ And I shook my head and was dismissed. And you know, the crazy thing is, I think she actually believes that. I think she believes herself when she says I would rather be dead than have my powers.”

Alexander clung to your hand desperately. “Y/N, I’m so sorry. Eight years old- You shouldn’t- I- I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You held onto his hand for a few moments. “I’ve never told anyone that before,” you mumbled through admittance. Slowly, you felt his presence sit up beside you. Your eyes fluttered open to meet his.

“We’re going to get out of here,” he stated, determined. You gave a weak smile. “We’re going to get out of here, and you’re going to go home and see Bethany again.”

“How?” you managed to ask through a strangled voice.

“You’ll use your powers.”

You sat up slowly shaking your head. “I can’t.”

“Listen, Y/N, I know you’re scared, but-”

“No, you don’t understand. I really mean I can’t,” you explained desperately, staring into his confused eyes. “I don’t know how they work. I’ve never wanted to know how they work. I- I have enough to hide from my mother without having to hide mage practice on top of it.”

Alexander studied you carefully. You could tell he wanted to question your statement. But thankfully instead, he shook his head defiantly. “We’ll practice. In here. I’ll help you.” You gritted your teeth, wanting to refuse. Even if the two of you escaped, you’d have to find your way back to town, and when you arrived back home, there was no telling how your mother would react. You would rather just play things out where you were.

But the way Alexander looked at you. The way his eyes bore into your soul with hope. It sparked something in you. And so you found yourself reluctantly nodding.

A smile smile found its way on your face as he broke out beaming.

“No, just close your eyes, relax and concentrate, Y/N. You know what you’re doing.” Alexander’s voice commanded you. Three days after you began using your powers for the first time your whole life, and you were already ready to quit.

The past three days had put a strain on your newfound friendship with Alexander. He still slept on the floor beside you every night, but when you both woke up the next morning, your claws came out again. Using your powers made you fatigue and irritable, you were finding. You didn’t like them.

“I’m trying,” you snapped back, clenching your eyes shut. “I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s not like I can just close my eyes and wish on a star for the pebble to rise.”

“Y/N-”

You shook your head. “No, you know what, Alexander. I don’t like doing this. It’s exhausting.”

“Y/N lo-”

“My mother wants me dead anyways,” you cut him off again, frustrated. “Why am I even trying to fight this? Why did I let you convince me to fight thi-”

“Y/N open your damn eyes,” Alexander commanded. You huffed at being interrupted and opened your eyes to a pebble floating in midair in front of you.

You were silent for a moment staring at it. “Did I…” You trailed off breathlessly in wonder. With a tight smile, Alexander nodded slightly. Silence encompassed the room a few more moments before a beam broke out on your face. And suddenly your cellmate and you were the victims of uncontrollable laughing.

The pebble fell unceremoniously to the ground as Alexander crossed the cell quickly and encompassed you tightly in a hug. “You did it,” he whispered sincerely in your ear. Your skin prickled at the sound of his voice so close and intimate to you. Quickly, you pulled your body from his and beamed.

You practiced for the rest of the night, becoming more confident in your powers with every passing minute.

“Are you comfortable trying tomorrow?” Alexander asked you slowly after he forced you to lie down and get some rest. You gave a small nod. He returned the gesture and whispered a goodnight.

The last thoughts that entered your head as you drifted off were “Tomorrow I’ll be free to leave” and “Tomorrow Alexander will be free to leave me”. You shifted uncomfortably at the thought before falling asleep.

You were gently woken to the sound of low voices in the cell. Sleep always prevented you from seeing your captures deliver the daily rations, but today you had to be conscious. You had to make your move.

Quietly, you shifted so you could see the men. Waiting, you watched to see which would open the cell door. The taller man stepped forward and pulled out his key, so you put your attention on the other. Taking a deep breath and squeezing Alexander’s fingers, you closed your eyes and gently lifted the other man’s key out of his pocket.

It felt like you held the key above the man’s head for hours before the two of them turned to exit the room. As the door to the cabin slammed close, you let out a breath and sat up quickly. Gently, the key floated to you and settled in your outstretched hand.

Alexander rose and stared at your hand wide eyed. He let out a joyous laugh, but you quickly shushed him. There was no way to be certain that they weren’t still standing outside the door.

But Alexander didn’t seem to care. He just kept staring at you with those wide, proud, beautiful eyes, and before you could comprehend what he was doing, he leaned forward and kissed your cheek. His scruffy chin brushed against yours, which was now blushing profusely. Your mouth parted slightly as you stared at him.

He kissed you on the cheek, and your stomach felt flipped.

It was nothing, you convinced yourself, as he grabbed the key from your limp hand. He clearly was unbothered by his actions, and so you would be too. Shaking your head to bring you back to reality, you stood up and met him at the cell door.

Alexander reached around and inserted the key. After a few moments, you both heard the click of the lock and smiled at each other triumphantly. Slowly, Alexander creaked the cell door open, and you both stood unmoving. Staring at the possibility of the world before you.

“Well,” Alexander whispered, turning his head down to you. “Shall we?” He held out his hand to you, and you smiled gratefully, taking his hand. Quickly, he tugged you out of the cabin and into the world outside.

You took deep breaths of the fresh air, and turned to beam at Alexander, but he was gone. You frowned and turned around to see him once again exiting the cabin, the two loaves of bread in one hand, and cup of water in the other.

“I stuffed my two coats with hay so they’ll think we’re still here tomorrow morning. Drink this,” he commanded. Your hands grappled at the cup being forced at them, and down the water in seconds. Alexander ripped the cup out of your hand and ran it back into the cabin. Then he locked up the cell and closed the cabin door, dropping the key in the dirt outside. “And now they’ll think they just dropped the key outside the cabin and everything is normal. We have a two day head start on them. Let’s go.”

He began walking away quickly, and you stumbled to follow, still not fully recovered from not eating for a week. He slowed his pace when he noticed you struggling to keep up. But the two of you still walked silently, still in a happy buzz of escaping. The sun was high, and you both had hope.

But as the sun began to set, you both began to get nervous, feeling the temperature of the world drop around you.

“How long should it take us to get back, do you think?” you asked quietly, trying to not let the fear of the winter’s night ahead escape into your voice.

Alexander was silent for a moment. “I don’t know,” he finally admitted. And the two of you were once again submitted into a paralyzed silence.

Suddenly, almost an hour later, Alexander stopped. You bumped into him obliviously, shooting your eyes up him in confusion.

His mouth formed a tight line. “We’ll stop here for the night,” he stated softly.

You widened your eyes. “It’s going to get much colder. We can’t- we can’t stop,” you tried to reason with him. “We could be close. We just have to keep going.” You marched in front of him, intent on still moving, but you felt his hand grasp yours.

“Y/N, you’ve been struggling to breath for the past hour. You don’t have enough strength to keep going without rest. We’ll be fine; we just have to stop,” he rationed with you sternly. He pointedly sat on the ground, and reluctantly, you joined him.

Nimbly, your fingers shook as you undid the cloak around your neck. Shifting your body off of it, you draped it over the both of you. “We need to stay warm tonight,” you commented, ignoring his eyes and the heat rushing to your face. Slowly, he lowered himself down and gently tugged you down on top of him.

His legs curled to become short enough to be covered by the cloak and your thick dress skirt, entangling your legs within his. And as Alexander still had a coat on and the sleeves of your dress were too thin to offer any comfort against the winter, you shyly slipped your arms into the sides of his coat, between his chest and the fabric. The two of yours’ positions combined formed your arms holding him, your head being buried in his chest, and his arms holding you as close to him as possible.

You held your body stiff in the position and hoped he couldn’t feel your heart racing. You chastised yourself for gradually becoming more and more comfortable in the position you were in. Slowly, you drifted off to sleep to the steady rhythm of his chest rising and falling against you.

You were free. And he got closer to you rather than further away.


	6. We Only Repeat Past Mistakes

You woke up to a slight warmth in your body.

As the cold of the atmosphere closed in around you the more you became conscious, you desperately clung to the source of heat beside you. Burying your head into the warm wool fabric, it took your mind a few delayed seconds to remember just who was inside said fabric. But as you felt his hands resting on the small of your back tighten and pull you closer to him in an unconscious response to your movements, the memories hit you like a blow. Thudding wildly in embarrassment, you ignored your heart and ceased nuzzling Alexander’s chest, trying to even your breathing.

“Did you sleep well?”

Your breath caught in your throat at the sound of Alexander’s hoarse whisper just above your head. You refused to allow your mind to go into an override with the thought of “He’s awake”, and instead focused on sounding calm in a response. After a few deep breaths, you finally responded.

“Yes. You?” Your voice still sounded strained, but you didn’t dwell on the reason why. Instead you began taking in all the places your body felt Alexander’s entangled: you needed to know how hard it was going to be to get out of the position you were in.

You felt his legs shift out of yours as if he had read your mind. “I did,” he whispered in response. The words were delicate, like he didn’t know where to place them. Your body flushed in response.

Pushing the ground with your arms, you awkwardly managed to sit up quickly. Your arms curled around your knees as you still refused to look Alexander in the eyes. A small part of you had thought disconnecting from him would cease the heat still flowing through your body.

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed him sit up beside you. His eyes burned into you in confusion, but you were intently focused and fidgeting the fray in your cloak between your fingers. Finally, snapping yourself out of your mood, you cleared your throat and looked up into the woods.

“Do you think we’ll get back today?” you asked, trying to keep your voice light. Alexander paused for a moment before responding.

“I think there’s a high possibility, yes,” he finally answered. “We were in the carriage for almost half a day by my best estimate, which is equivalent to almost two days of walking. So if we make good distance, we should get back today.”

You nodded slightly. “Okay. Then let’s go,” you answered quietly. As Alexander shifted out of your cloak and stood up, your stomach growled loudly.

Your body froze, and your eyes flicked to Alexander’s with a slight fear. His expression mirrored yours with the same realization: there would be no food today.

Immediately, Alexander shook his head and tried to give you a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, Y/N. We’ll make it through this, even without food. It’s just one day. You don’t have to look so scared,” he said in an attempt to calm your fear of not having anything to eat.

A small relief was granted to you in the form of him not noticing the other fear written on your face: the fear that struck you the moment your eyes met his.

You nodded and shakily looked back down at your knees. Clenching your eyes shut, you told yourself it was just the malnourishment affecting your emotions. Nothing changed between you and Alexander. You were delusional, you thought as you laughed silently to yourself.

After a deep breath, you opened your eyes and pushed yourself off the ground to stand up. As soon as you were on your feet, however, your vision blacked out and you felt your knees buckle. You felt Alexander’s presence stumble as he quickly threw his arms around you to catch you. His face was so close to yours, you could feel his warm breath as it prickled your skin.

You wriggled to free yourself from his grip. “Let me go. I’m fine,” you protested, but his grip on your waist and hip tightened, which silenced you.

Slowly, he brought you back up to a standing position and wrapped your left arm around his shoulders, his right arm still gripped tightly on your waist to support you. “We’ll just take it slow today,” he grunted as you blearily reopened your eyes. Realizing he meant to support you like this for the entire journey, you tried protesting again.

“Alexander, no, I’m fine,” you cried desperately. “Please just let me walk. I just needed to adjust. We’ll never survive if I slow us down enough like this to make us spend another night out here.” Your eyes pleaded with his, but he merely looked down at you solemnly.

“And you’ll never survive if you push yourself too much,” he stated pointedly. Before you could reply, he silenced you by continuing. “Y/N, either both of us get out of this, or neither of us do.”

Your mouth felt dry as you tried to think of a response. “I’ll never forgive myself if you die out here because of me,” you finally mumbled, feeling what little moisture was left in your body well up behind your eyes. Alexander considered you for a long time before responding.

“Luckily for you,” Alexander eventually commented in a forced playful tone while guiding you to start walking, “you won’t have to forgive yourself because you’ll be dead.” As you let him guide you through the movements of walking, a dry smile spread across your lips.

But then your smile became thin as you observed Alexander. “Alexander, are you doing okay?” you asked through a strained whisper. At the question, he looked down at you with an unreadable expression, and then gave you a small smile.

“I’m doing okay, Y/N. Worry about yourself,” he spoke gently in response.

The first half of the day passed by uneventfully. You got into a rhythm of movement, largely depending on Alexander. But you both were able to keep up a semi-decent pace working together. It wasn’t until the second half of the day with the sun beginning to lower in the sky that the pain set in.

At first, you were able to ignore the aches in each of your muscles and stomach. Then you switched to acknowledging it, but hiding it enough to not cause concern to Alexander. But eventually, you couldn’t keep it in anymore. And as he helped you step over a large fallen limb, you let out a cry of pain.

Alexander stopped you both immediately and looked at you doubled over in pain with wild concerned eyes. “I’m fine,” you struggled to force out. He tried to say something, but you ignored him by tightening your arm around his shoulders to put your side flush against his, and then used your other hand to wrap his arm tighter around your waist. Then with tears pricking your eyes from the pain stabbing your whole body, you determinedly began walking once again.

Alexander gritted his teeth and didn’t say anything, though you knew he wanted to. Your determinedness only got you so far, however, and soon you were crying while clinging to Alexander tightly through every step.

“Talk to me about something,” you pleaded with him eventually. “Take my mind off the pain.”

“What do you want me to talk about?” he asked softly.

It took a couple steps for you to work up the energy to speak again. “Yourself,” you finally managed to answer.

Alexander was quiet for awhile before he began. “There’s not much to tell,” he began slowly. “My mother never Chose my father. It’s rare but it happens. My father was actually Chosen several years before he met my mother. His wife never found out. But she got close to, which is when he stopped coming to visit us.” He stopped speaking while he lifted you over yet another fallen limb. “That’s when things started going downhill. My mother was so upset he left us, she refused to Choose anyone. Then we both got sick. She died; I lived. I became a stall boy to pay for food. And now here we are.”

Noticing how much pain you were truly in, Alexander forced you to stop for a moment to try to regain yourself. You stared at him intently, and finally whispered, “I’m glad you lived.” His eyes downturned to yours in a slight surprise.

“I’m glad you lived too,” he breathed. And the way he was looking at you made you want to cling to him even more. Looking into his eyes in this moment, you finally admitted what you were trying so hard not to: you were falling for Alexander.

The idea shook you to your core, and you still weren’t entirely convinced it wasn’t just the malnutrition. But after John… after John you never thought you would be able to feel that way about anyone every again. Yet here you were on the brink of it.

Your face flushed at your epiphany and you averted your eyes to the woods in front of you. Something caught your eye in one of the trees and you froze.

Alexander immediately sensing your change in mood followed your path of sight. “What?” he asked alarmed. “Y/N, what is it?”

You swallowed thickly before responding. “I know where we are,” you stated softly.

“You… what?” Alexander asked again, unsure if he heard you right.

Then you broke into the first beaming smile you had all day. “Alexander, I know exactly where we are. This is the woods behind my estate,” you exclaimed as you tugged him towards the tree that caught your attention. When you arrived at the base of it, you pointed out what Alexander had missed.

There was a rope attached to the tree.

“What is this?” Alexander asked, confused about the significance.

Slowly, you began tugging the rope downwards until it stopped. “We’re done,” you stated quietly with a smile. “We’re saved.” Alexander still looked at you with confusion, but also with a bit of hope. “This rope is connected to a white flag Bethany and I rigged up at the top of the tree several years ago. This is our signal that the other is out here waiting to play. If I went missing, this is the sign Bethany’s waiting for for me to return home, as unrealistic as it sounds.”

Alexander paused. “So what you’re saying is your household staff is on their way to us right now to offer us food and shelter?” You nodded solemnly with a smile of disbelief.

It took Alexander mere seconds to process the information before he let out an ecstatic whoop. You giggled at his excitement and screamed when he picked you up in his celebration and twirled you around.

As he set you back down, his eyes met yours with a beaming smile. But the closer you got to the ground, the more serious you both became. Your fingers slipped into his hair without you directing them to. His hands kept your waist pressed flush to his as your feet hit the ground, and your breath caught in your throat.

Your mind couldn’t keep up with what was happening then. You felt your forehead connect with his, and you shuddered. His cheek gently caressed your own, and you gripped his hair tighter, which convinced him to turn his head inwards. The presence of his lips ghosted yours and you leaned forward to-

“Y/N!”

You pulled away from him startled, turning your head towards the source of the voice. You weren’t able to see it yet, but you knew exactly who it was.

“Bethany,” you breathed out. And suddenly all your pain melted away. You began running towards the clearing she would be coming from, and you knew Alexander was following right behind you.

As soon as you saw your younger sister, you let out a cry, which attracted her attention. “Y/N! It was you!” you called out relieved, sprinting towards you. The two of you slammed into each other and began crying.

“I thought I would never be able to say any last words to you,” Bethany weeped. Your heart shattered as you clung to the most important person in your life and whispered “I love you” over and over again.

Eventually, however, Bethany pulled back and directed her attention to Alexander behind you. You let her go to him, and felt your heart seize when your eyes met his. Your hips still burned from where he gripped them, and a light blush crossed your face. He quickly, however, turned his attention to Bethany, who was still crying.

“I can’t believe you saved my sister,” Bethany cried as she buried her head into his chest. Then she pulled back. “I knew. As soon as the people at the market told us you went after her, I knew you were the one. Who else would do something like that? A few days ago I told Mother I just knew you two would return, and even if you didn’t, it didn’t matter to me. I knew I wanted to make you and only you my Choice. So that’s what I did.”

Your skin began to prickle all over as you registered Bethany’s words. Did she actually-

“I’m your Choice?” Alexander managed to ask through the surprise. Your breaths became heavy as you waited on an answer, watching Alexander’s reactions closely.

Bethany beamed and nodded; you felt as if you would throw up if there were any food in your stomach. As Bethany once again embraced Alexander, a smile lit up on his face as he began to laugh. He was happy.

And just like that, the pain swept through your body again. You felt the entire world crushing you down as you tried to steady yourself. But all you could think was how stupid you were. Stupid, stupid, stupid to fall for someone after how much losing John hurt you.

“Come on. You two need food and baths,” Bethany directed, as she began leading you back to the estate. Mortified, you avoided Alexander’s eye contact the whole trek back.

When you arrived in the foyer, Bethany left the two of you alone to go alert the household you had returned with Alexander. She explained Mother had left after Bethany had made her Choice to look for you both personally. It was at least some relief that you wouldn’t have to figure out how to handle your mother quite yet.

As Bethany left the foyer, you stood silently, trying to think of something to say to test Alexander. Part of you still naïvely hoped this isn’t what Alexander wanted. It wouldn’t make a difference what he wanted now that Bethany Chose him, and maybe it was the fact you hadn’t eaten in a day, but you just needed to know.

Slowly you turned to him, keeping a straight expression. His eyes flicked to yours and you almost didn’t have the strength to say it. “Congratulations,” you stated evenly. “I hope you’ll make good on your promise.”

You saw his thought process flick back to him promising you he would be a worthy choice for Bethany. And to your dismay not a single sign of regret showed on his face.

“I will,” he responded with a straight face. You shook at the realization you were just a speck in his existence. You had never been more.

The rest of the night you avoided Alexander. You ate your food in silence, careful not to eat too much your first time eating in twenty-four hours, and then retired early, stating you would bathe in the morning.

Slowly, you let your feet drag you down the path you somehow still knew in a house that now felt unfamiliar towards your room. As soon as you shut your door behind you, your legs gave out and you crumpled into sobs.

Why had you let someone else in? Why hadn’t you learned your lesson?

Eventually, your tears dried up and you numbly stood by bracing yourself against the door. You slowly stipped off your dirtied and disgusting gown from the past weeks and slipped into the nightgown laid out for you on your bed.

Then you climbed nimbly and wearily under your covers. You snuggled up against them as tight as possible, but you still tossed and turned trying to fall asleep because it didn’t matter.

You would never be warm enough without Alexander at your side.


	7. There are No Straight Answers

There were traditions you had to follow that you flat out hated. There were traditions you had to follow that you didn’t particularly mind. And then there were the traditions you had to follow that you thought you didn’t mind, but now were in the position of hating.

“Y/N, it’s been three months since Alexander moved in. Can’t you at least talk to him?” Bethany asked, sprawled out on your bed. You could feel her eyes staring at you intently though your back was turned to her sitting at your desk.

You tried to ignore the question as if you were too engrossed in your paperwork to notice. But you were glad you’re back was to Bethany. Then she wouldn’t be able to see the light blush that was now painted on your cheeks. Because as misfortune hadn’t hit you hard enough the day you managed to find your way home, the next day you had realized Bethany was not yet old enough to marry her Choice.

And as tradition states, this meant Alexander had to begin living in your household: specifically, two doors down the hall from you.

Growing up, you never questioned having the Chosen assimilate to the household until the girl reached the age of seventeen. You found yourself questioning the moral behind the tradition a lot, however, these days. It certainly did nothing for your friendship with Alexander.

You couldn’t be in the same room as him. You couldn’t look him in the eye. And you couldn’t concentrate when you were around him. Which posed a problem as he was 100 yards from you almost constantly.

You had been trying to play it off as you were back to being indifferent, and he did the same. But every now and then, you would catch him looking at you, and you could feel it.

_“Pretentious bitch.”_

Cringing and gritting your teeth, you pushed the thought from your mind. You had let yourself shrink too far inside yourself to try to come out now. Neither of you could be the people you were in the cell anymore. Especially not with your mother around.

“Y/N?” Bethany asked, a little more impatiently this time. Her voice pulled you from your thoughts and you hummed absentmindedly in response. “Y/N, I’m being serious. You guys escaped certain death together, and now you’re acting like you hate each other.”

“Bethany,” you sighed, controlling your expression into a tired look, and then turning to face her. As expected, she was now pouting. “Why don’t you talk to Alexander about this? He’s your Choice, right?”

To your surprise, Bethany’s eyes flared in anger. Quickly, she scooted off the bed and stood indignantly. “Is that what this is about? That I Chose Alexander?” she demanded. You fought the heat rising to your face, but she took it as a confirmation and gritted her teeth in disbelief. “Y/N, I cannot- He is my Choice. And I know you think I’m too young and he’s not right for me, but part of me hoped you would set aside your petty feelings of annoyance towards him long enough to support me. Remind me to never hope for anything from you again.”

Tears brimmed your eyes, but you held your stone cold expression. Having Bethany upset with you for hating her Choice was hard. But having Bethany upset with you for liking her Choice would be harder. You could tell this frustration had been building up since you returned, and she had tried hard not to address it due to your homecoming. But this was as hard as it would get, you told yourself. Eventually you wouldn’t like Alexander anymore, and this whole nightmare would end.

You watched as Bethany angrily marched out your door, but she stopped right before she slammed it shut and stared you dead in the eye. “And for the record, I do talk about it with Alexander because he is my Choice and the person I will spend the rest of my life with. But I was talking about it with you because you’re my sister and I’ve already spent my entire life with you.” And tears streaming down her face, she dutifully slammed the door behind her as she walked out.

The confrontation left you feeling nauseous. Slowly, you stood from your chair and curled up in your bed. You released the tears slowly, trying not to overreact too much to Bethany’s words. She just didn’t know any better. But it just felt like even when you were protecting her, you couldn’t.

You weren’t sure when the tears soothed you to sleep, but you woke up disoriented and in the dark, as the sun had gone down. As you groggily sat up, you heard a knock at the door, and realized that must have been what woke you up. Slowly, you scooted off the bed and shuffled your feet to the door.

You weren’t awake enough to deal with who greeted you on the other side.

“Bethany’s forcing us to eat dinner together,” Alexander stated blandly as soon as you opened the door. You paused for a moment, allowing your brain to catch up with the events happening, and then shut the door. You began breathing heavily, and after a few moments, you opened the door again.

A very indignant Alexander stood before you. “Seriously? We’ve regressed that much?” he asked angrily.

In your still groggy state, you couldn’t stop your next words from emitting your mouth. “Regressed from what, Alexander?” you questioned, looking at him pointedly. To your surprise, his eyes avoided yours. After a beat of silence, you mumbled, “That’s what I thought.”

The two of you stood in awkward silence. You could feel his thoughts radiating off on you. It’s not like you were subtle about your feelings. And he had always technically been with Bethany. Who falls for their younger sister’s potential Choice?

Pretentious bitches, that’s who.

You shook your head and sighed loudly. Then your eyes met Alexander’s. “I’m only attending dinner with you because I already pissed Bethany off once today,” you clarified as you pushed past Alexander into the hallway.

Your eyes met his again, and he was smirking. “I know. I heard all about it,” he commented jokingly. But you glared back at him, which wiped the smirk off his face.

You wished you could have laughed. You wished you could have playfully commented back. You wish you could have been the girl who got to do that with Alexander. But you weren’t. Bethany was. Three months ago you had told yourself it would only take a month to move on; you still couldn’t trust yourself to smile at his jokes.

Both of you remained silent and tense for the rest of the walk to the kitchen.

Bethany must have told the cooks to expect you, as two settings were already prepared. It was only now you were able to check the clock and realize how long you had actually slept. Family dinner had happened two hours ago.

For the most part, the two of you ate in silence. You tried not to allow your memories float back to when you would eat your bread together on the floor of your cell, but eventually, you couldn’t stop the memories. You stopped eating and more rearranged the food on your plate with your fork.

Bethany’s words from this afternoon rang in your head. All she wanted was for you to speak to Alexander. You could do that. You managed to do it when you hated him, forgetting the fact that most of your conversations with Alexander back then usually ended up in fighting.

“So what do you think of living here?” you asked quietly. He looked up at you, startled you were engaging in conversation. Your eyes avoided his by staring intently at the chicken that was now shredded on your plate.

“I think it’s cruel I have to be with Bethany, but live down the hall from you, when it’s you I have feelings for,” the imaginary Alexander inside your head responded. You laughed silently to yourself as the real Alexander finally came to terms with the fact you asked him a question.

“It’s fine,” he stated simply. You peeked your eyes up at him curiously to find him studying you intently. It took all your effort to keep your cheeks from burning.

“Just fine?” you asked, struggling to hold on to the conversation.

Alexander sighed, and looked at you. “Y/N, we were friends once, right?” he asked. He sounded tired. Like he actually wasn’t sure whether or not you had been friends or not and had spent many hours pondering it. You shifted uncomfortably.

“Sure,” you finally answered quietly.

“Then can you pretend I’m your friend again for the next five minutes?” he demanded.

You stared at him open mouthed. You wanted to say no and walk out because you didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. Mostly because you didn’t know what he was going to say. “Sure,” you found yourself strangling out, forcing your panic down.

Alexander took a deep breath. “I’ve been here for three months, and here’s what I’ve learned: you’re a sell out,” he said steadily. “I understand you want to keep yourself safe in this household, but the way you readily agree with your mother on everything is honestly horrifying.”

Your skin prickled at his words and you gritted your teeth. “That’s what a friend would say to me?” you asked defensively. “My mother had me kidnapped and almost killed.”

“You mother has people kidnapped and killed everyday,” Alexander deadpanned.

You slammed your hands on the table, feeling a range of emotions from helplessness to fury. “Exactly! And you want me to, what? Backtalk her?” you asked incredulously.

“I want you to speak up for yourself and the others your mother is persecuting,” Alexander shot back frustrated. “Why don’t you speak up?”

“Because me speaking up won’t stop her, Alexander!” you exclaimed, becoming more angry. “That’s not how this works.”

“So just because you think it won’t change anything, you’re better off not doing anything at all?” Alexander asked, challenging you. Your entire body flared at the insinuation.

“That’s not what I said,” you growled.

Alexander gave you a pointed look. “Okay, then name one thing you’ve done to stop your mother if speaking up won’t work,” he demanded. You clenched your jaw shut and avoided eye contact. Alexander stood from his chair. “How do you sleep at night?” he asked after a couple beats of silence. He almost sounded like he was disappointed, like he had had hope in you.

“I don’t,” you mumbled quietly. You looked up at him defeated, and your eyes met. Alexander took you in for a long moment, and then silently turned and left the room.

You took a shuddering breath. Maybe it wasn’t possible to have a conversation with Alexander without fighting. And maybe that was for the better.

Alexander refused to speak to you for the next three days to Bethany’s dismay. She kept trying to get out of you what happened at the dinner, but you also refused to talk about it, which frustrated Bethany to no end. But to your surprise, she let it go. Apparently she found you arguing with Alexander better than you avoiding him out of spite.

On the first of the month, the household was in a bustle as it usually was on the day of the monthly sector meeting. As your household was the head of your sector, each surrounding Lady and their advisors met and spent the night in the spare rooms the first of every month. The first Ladies were set to arrive at any time, and you were putting the last minute touches on the agenda for the day, glad your mother was avoiding you more than usual the past three months.

“Y/N! Did you hear?” Bethany called out from down the hall as you were walking the agenda to the meeting room. You looked up dryly to greet her and then inquired what she was talking about.

“Alexander asked if he could sit in on the meeting as one of mother’s advisors, and she approved!” she stated proudly. Your stomach flipped.

“He can’t be in there,” you desperately tried to reason with Bethany. Her face fell. But you didn’t have time to worry about her thoughts or her pride. You knew exactly what Alexander would try to do in the meeting.

To your surprise, Bethany didn’t wait for your side of the argument and placed her hands on her hips. “Well, he’s going to be and you better get over it,” she stated angrily, and then stalked away. You stood there stunned as your skin became clammy. 

You were a mess of nerves for the next hours. Before the meeting began, you tried to pull Alexander aside, but he swerved around Lady Trellaine to avoid you. And so now you had to wait.

You couldn’t concentrate throughout the meeting. Alexander was seated directly next to you, but thankfully Philip was directly across, as usual. It was quite lucky Philip was one of Lady Schuyler’s most trusted advisors. He always made these meetings more bearable. Especially today.

You noticed all the eyes at the table were turned to you, and you turned and realized your mother had said your name. This was it. This was the only part of the meeting your mother allowed you to introduce: the last part of the program. You stood shaking and took a deep breath.

“As usual, there have been a number of magic sightings across our sector in the past month. We have managed to capture six of our mage perpetrators: twin brothers by the name of Daviss, a lady by the name Redine, and a family of three by the name Leroy. Even their six year old daughter has been found tainted by the dark art.” The words came up slowly and calculated, just as you had practiced over and over again. When you were finished introducing, you quickly sat down before you could become choked up.

As you sat down, Alexander’s eyes burned into you incredulously, as if he wasn’t sure if he quite believed you said what you said. But you knew the worst was still to come. Your mother stood up and you stiffened and stared straight ahead.

“These monsters need to be cleansed,” your mother began. You clenched your jaw, even though you should already be immune to this speech. “If the Great Spirit were with them, they would gladly give up their lives for the good of the rest of us. We must help them find this peace. They shall hang tomorrow morning, and we will pray they find peace and purity in their next life.” Everyone at the table besides you, Philip and Alexander nodded solemnly in agreement. Your thoughts wandered to the six year old girl, and you steeled yourself against your tears.

“Lady Aremine,” Alexander’s voice rang out in an almost growl beside you. You stiffened and begged for Alexander not to do what he was about to do. Without asking it to, your hand instinctively and inconspicuously reached to your side and clenched Alexander’s hand in an attempt to hold him back. But he merely removed his hand from yours and stood up calmly. “Don’t you think this isn’t the right treatment for these people? This punishment does not fit the crime.”

Your eyes searched Philip’s desperately, but he merely stared at Alexander stunned. Nobody in the room was breathing. The tension was visible on everyone’s face. Every muscle in your body screamed for you to run. Get out.

But you stayed stoic in your seat.

“Alexander,” you mother began patiently, “such interesting foresight.” The words came out like venom. “What would you have me do instead?”

It was a trap. You knew it was a trap. But if you warned Alexander, your mother would think you were a part of this. She would think you put him up to this. And so you stayed silent.

“Well, for starters, you could not hang these people,” Alexander demanded angrily. Your eyes flicked to Philip’s with fear, and he met yours.

Your mother smiled her cruel smile. “Alright then,” she said pleasantly. “Fahlar?” The man who oversaw all the executions in your sector looked up at your mother with a mockingly happy face. “Cancel the hangings tomorrow.” Fahlar nodded and you felt Alexander relax beside you. “Instead, we’re going to do something that ‘fits the crime’, as my future son-in-law has suggested.” Her eyes met Fahlar, as if they both shared a joke and knew the punchline coming next. “Burn them. In their cells. Tonight.”

And with that, your mother picked up her papers and executively left the room.

Your entire body fell slack, and you sat trying not to concentrate on the tears. Alexander sat down defeated and in disbelief beside you. As the rest of the Ladies and advisors left the room, he numbly stood up with them and left a little slower. Philip was already out the door with Lady Schuyler. And so you were alone.

And then you were angry.

You stood and marched to the door Alexander was exiting. The rest of the meeting goers were too far ahead for what you were about to do to cause a scene.

“I told you to leave it alone!” you shouted at him, halfway across the room. He froze in the doorway. “I told you!” Now the tears were beginning to stain your face as you came upon him.

Slowly he turned around and looked at you regretfully. “Y/N, I didn’t mean to-”

“It doesn’t matter!” you screamed again. You were becoming hysterical, but you allowed it for the moment. You hands started shoving him. “I told you not to challenge her! I told you it doesn’t work!” By now your hands were constantly hitting his chest with as much force as you could put into them. He silently took all the blows with flinches and no protest. “They’ll burn because of you!” And you could see it in his eyes. You had broken him. But you weren’t done taking your aggression out on him.

Suddenly two arms wrapped around you and forcibly removed you from Alexander, kicking and screaming. The hands shoved you against and pinned you to a wall.

“He was just trying to help, Y/N,” Philip said in a low voice to you. But you still struggled against his grip.

“It was reckless!” you cried out, the tears still streaming. “I told him to leave it alone.” By now, you were more tears than fury, so Philip let go of your shoulders and wrapped you in a tight hug instead.

Eventually, Philip pulled back and looked at you intently. “Alexander knows of your powers, right?” he asked carefully. You hesitated but nodded slowly. Philip formed his lips into a tight line. “I think he did it for you,” Philip admitted softly. “He looked as if you presenting was his final breaking point. Honestly, I’ve wished several times to have as much courage as that. Maybe he was stupid. Or maybe he cares about you. But Y/N, don’t persecute him for this. Go easier on the guy.”

You tried not to dwell too much on Philip’s words. “But, those people. They’ll-”

Philip shook his head and shushed you. “He didn’t change anything but move the plan up.” You nodded numbly. “It’s late, Y/N,” Philip comforted. “Get some sleep.”

You nodded again, and began walking back to your room. When you looked up, you half expected Alexander to still be standing there, but to your relief, he must have escaped when Philip pulled you off of him.

The next day you ran across Alexander in the library. Which shouldn’t have necessarily surprised you as you and Alexander were the only two in the household to ever use the library. But what did surprise you was he wasn’t reading.

Instead his hands floated across the keys of the piano creating a soothing melody.

You stopped from the side and studied him carefully. Telling from the bags under his eyes, he didn’t sleep last night. Slowly you took in his features one by one. The long, disheveled hair that blew across his face outside at his stand. The lips that quirked into an amused smile whenever anyone does anything mildly funny. The long soft fingers that once held yours, but now expertly found their path on the ebony keys. And those beautiful eyes. The ones that comforted you, and aggravated you, and made you feel an undeniable calm.

_“Maybe he cares about you.”_

Philip’s words rang in your head, and you tried to push them out. Without realizing it, however, you sighed out loud, startling Alexander.

As soon as he realized it was you, he began sputtering, “Listen, Y/N, I am so sorry. I didn’t-”

You shook your head and cut him off. “Alexander, it’s okay. You didn’t change anything. She’s just trying to get in your head.”

He didn’t accept this response. “That doesn’t make it okay. And I have some fault in it. And I just- I don’t want you to deal with this. It’s awful,” he finished lamely. You were both silent for a moment, before he burst out again. “And those people!” This time tears began building in his eyes, but you quickly went to comfort him, joining him on the bench.

“Hey, it’s- it’s okay. They, um,” you paused, unsure if you wanted to continue what you were saying. But looking into Alexander’s desperate eyes, you felt compelled. “You can’t repeat any of this to anyone. But… there were no bodies found in the ruin of the cell. We think they manage to escape before they were burned. But as far as my mother knows, they’re dead. So we need to keep it that way,” you disclosed, giving Alexander a pointed look. His eyes widened at the information, and soon you found yourself wrapped in a hug. Your body was a mess of wanting to pull away and wanting to stay forever.

Eventually however, Alexander pulled away, still crying. He laughed in relief, and you gave a small smile. But then he soon became solemn again.

“Y/N, I miss having you as a friend,” he said quietly. You felt a slight heat rise to your face as you tried to keep a straight expression.

You looked up at him and gave a strained smile. “Bethany is lucky to have Chosen you,” you commented. But then realizing what you said, you quickly averted your eyes from his. Alexander merely smiled softly.

“I’m the one who should feel lucky,” he responded softly. This time you looked up at him, and he had a soft glow in his eye.

“You really love her, don’t you?” you asked carefully.

His eyes met yours in surprise before he gave another smile. “I promised I would, didn’t I?” he asked. His eyes searched yours, but you weren’t sure for what, so you merely nodded. “And what about you?” he asked quietly. “Any word on John?”

You gritted your teeth and forced another smile up at Alexander. This time however, a tear escaped your eye. “Did you know that you only get a letter from someone at war when they die? It’s not supposed to be like that, but it doesn’t take long to figure out the pattern,” you explained mumbling. Alexander looked as if he was going to say something, but you cut him off. “I didn’t get out of bed for two days when I got a letter from John,” you admitted, avoiding eye contact.

Alexander was silent for a long moment.

“How long ago?” he asked solemnly.

You shrugged your shoulders. “About two years ago,” you confessed. You felt Alexander stiffen beside you. And you looked up with tears in your eyes. “Bethany was so worried about me, but I couldn’t tell her. She had grown to love John as a brother, and she would refuse to believe Mother hadn’t told us he had died. I had to protect her. So I didn’t tell anyone,” you continued. Then you gave Alexander a long look. “Bethany is my entire life. And I know she’s angry at me most of the time, but that’s because I’m protecting her. Can you do that? Can you hide things from her to protect her?”

Alexander considered your words carefully and once again was searching your expression for something you couldn’t pin. Finally, he swallowed thickly, averted his eyes from yours, and responded.

“Of course.”


	8. When the World Looks Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part and the rest of the story 100% would not be possible without my bae-ta Maddy (@whizzerbrown).

_My love, before I left, you asked what you could do to save me. I finally have an answer for you: find someone who defends you and know I am happy for you. Don’t live your life waiting on me, Y/N. The best and only thing you can do for me is let yourself love and be happy. I know you better than anyone else in this world, and I know you won’t want to do this, even for me. But when you meet that person, promise me you won’t fight it as much as you wish to._

_I love you, Y/N. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be your someone._

You folded the letter by its now well worn crease. Part of you wished John hadn’t known he was going to die. Maybe then he would have written to you about the nights under the willow tree or the days you hid on the rooftop. Maybe then he wouldn’t have asked something so impossible of you.

Sighing loudly, you filed John’s letter away back in the back of your drawer. You always wondered why John seemed so confident you would meet someone else. Why he was so confident that if he asked something of you, you would come through.

He was too late, you thought to yourself sadly. He didn’t tell you to let him go until he had already become your someone.

Of course, there was a short while you tried to believe John. But in the two months since admitting John’s death, Alexander began entering your mind like that less and less. It helped that Alexander had made his feelings towards Bethany clear.

And you were grateful for it as well. Everyone was less tense now that you and Alexander could hold short conversations, especially Bethany. It was just like you had told yourself: once your feelings passed, the nightmare would be over.

“Y/N?” Bethany inquired, entering your room without preamble. “Mother wishes to see you. It seemed important.”

A cold feeling entered your stomach. “Alright,” you replied, forcing a smile on your face as Bethany turned to leave. But as soon as she exited, your body switched into a panic.

It wasn’t as if you hadn’t seen or spoken to your mother since your abduction months ago. But this was the first time you had been summoned. And something in you knew enough time had passed for the other shoe to drop.

After taking a few deep breaths, you shakily stood and made your way out your door. Thousands of possible outcomes of meeting your mother swarmed your mind, each one making you more and more nervous. But one question stood out among the rest: Why had she waited this long to confront you?

By the time you reached your mother’s door, you had accumulated more questions, but not a single answer. With a deep breath and sweaty palms, you slowly pushed open the door.

Your mother was seated at her desk, busy working on paperwork for what you assumed was the marketplace renovations the council had voted on last month. You waited patiently for her to look up from her work, but when it reached almost three full minutes of no acknowledgement, you cleared your throat quietly to announce your presence.

The Lady glanced up at you with an annoyed expression and then turned back to her work. It was almost a minute later when she finally addressed you, still not removing her eyes from the papers in front of her.

“Next week I have an emergency meeting with Lady Weiter outside the battleground. I won’t be able to make a return trip home in time for the monthly meeting. I trust you’re prepared to head it up?” As she asked the question, her eyes glanced up at you expectantly from her page. The words stuck in your throat.

She wanted you to run a sector meeting?

Your mother sighed, irritated at your lack of response. “It’s a simple time conflict, Y/N. Can you head the sector meeting or not?” Her eyes held you expectantly as she gritted her teeth. She didn’t want to ask you to do this, you realized. But she had to.

Realizing if you didn’t respond she would rescind her offer, your head quickly began to bob eagerly up and down. With a long sigh, your mother looked back down at her paperwork waved you off with one hand. Biting your lip to hold back your smile, you spun and quietly made your way out the door. You held in your emotions until you turned down the hall to your room. 

And then you couldn’t seem to contain yourself any longer and squealed like a child, jumping up and down. This is what you had been waiting for. This was your chance to prove yourself to the council, and maybe gain some support. You let out a laugh and spun around in a circle.

“Okay, either you just finished a really good book, or we’re having chicken dumplings for dinner: I have never seen you this happy.”

The voice rang out from the door behind you and you could hear a familiar smirk in the tone. You turned quickly, a smile still painted on your face as you rolled your eyes at Alexander leaning against his doorframe. He gave you a soft smile, and his eyes were glittering as they met yours.

“Both, actually,” you replied sarcastically, still laughing. Alexander scrunched up his nose in laughter in response. “But,” you started again, with a sly grin on your face, grabbing his attention, “you are looking at this month’s sector meeting leader.” You gestured to yourself extravagantly, and Alexander’s eyes widened.

When his mind finally comprehended the news, he broke out into a proud beam and exited his door to embrace you. You hugged him happily, glad you could consider him a friend again. Glad you didn’t have to deal with those messy feelings anymore.

“You’re going to be amazing,” Alexander’s voice murmured over your right ear. Your breath caught and skin prickled at the sound of his soft voice, but you refused to dwell on it. Instead, you pulled back from the hug and met Alexander’s eyes once more. You wished you could read the emotion in them, but then again, you probably didn’t want to know.

With a more forced smile this time, you murmured a “thank you” and turned to make your way to your room. Your thoughts changed gear as you remembered to inform Philip of the news as you shut the door behind you: your body still shaking and buzzing slightly from the encounter. Quickly, you glided to your desk, pulled out a new sheet of paper, and grabbed your pen.

The rest of the week passed in a blur. It was arranged so the day that your mother left for her meeting, Philip arrived to help with the final nuisances of heading a sector meeting. You were so busy planning everything, you saw no one but Philip for the entire week. Not that there was anyone else you wanted to see, you told yourself.

The morning of the meeting, you padded aimlessly around the estate in your nightgown. The sun was just rising, so you had a couple hours before the Ladies would start arriving. You and Philip has finished all the paperwork and agenda last night. He was probably fast asleep.

But your nerves kept you on your feet. A lot of your future was to be decided today. You were sure your mother still had plans to disinherit you one way or another, but if you received some support from the council, it would be near impossible for her to just get rid of you. You needed to win them over today. You needed them to join your team.

After your third lap, you sighed. The members of the household had already been up for awhile, and you should probably return to help begin preparations.

As you turned the corner to make your way towards your room, you met a stoic figure staring at a portrait. His sad eyes gazed longingly at the beautiful woman. With a shuddering breath, you softly walked over to him and wrapped your arms around his shoulders, embracing him in an unsolicited hug and resting your head on his soft shoulder.

“That’s not her any more, Father,” you whispered gently, addressing the younger form of your mother in the portrait. She looked happy and innocent. The portrait was commissioned just after your parents had married. Just after she took over the household.

Your father remained silent and still for a moment. But eventually, he shook himself out of his daydream, and turned to you to reciprocate the hug. “You’ll be just as great as she was today, Y/N,” he murmured softly. Tears plugged the back of your eyes, but you bit your cheek to stop them from overflowing.

You pulled back and observed your father: the ghost of the household. “You should sit in on the meeting today,” you suggested, hopefully. You wanted him to be there. But he merely shook his head.

“Don’t blow this because of me. Your mother will never let you near another meeting if you invite me while she’s away,” he chided you gently. You sighed, knowing the truth to his words. Then he leaned forward and kissed your forehead. “Go. They’ll be arriving soon,” he commanded with sad eyes. You took him in one last time, and then continued your walk back to your room, now with heavier steps.

Even when your mother was gone, your father was still too afraid to walk in her house.

When you opened the door to your room, Philip greeted you.

“Hey, good morning!” he said with a beam, obviously not taking in your distressed expression. “They’ll be arriving soon, but I can handle the preparations. You just get changed and try to collect yourself.” He instructed you so confidently, you couldn’t not do what he told you. Even though you knew he wanted to be the one to greet the Ladies solely because Theodosia would be accompanying Lady Schuyler this month.

The hours before the meeting stretched into what felt like years. You had too much time to collect yourself, that you now felt like falling apart. You were on the verge of just breaking down, just to get it out of your system, when Philip popped his head back into your room.

“It’s time,” he said solemnly. You took a deep breath and pushed yourself off your bed. Calmly and composed, you walked to your desk and picked up your papers. This was it.

You walked into the familiar room with the familiar faces, and stood in an unfamiliar position. Taking everyone in and sneaking a comforting glance down at Philip seated at your side, you began.

“Good morning, everyone,” you greeted, forcing a smile on your face. A few Ladies smiled back at you, but most looked at you warily. You ignored the sick feeling in your stomach. “I trust this meeting will go as smoothly as its predecessors. Let’s begin.”

You managed to keep your nerves in check for the entire meeting, bringing up the topics as listed on your agenda and mediating any discussion over them. It was slightly relieving to know you wouldn’t have to make your mother’s speech at the end as there were no mage users caught this month. It made your goal easier to accomplish.

Throughout the meeting you noticed you were gaining more and more looks of appreciation and trust. As the final topic concluded, you felt your heart squeeze. This was your last survey of how you had been doing.

You cleared your throat as you stood. “Ladies, thank you for joining me for a successful meeting. I look forward to working with you all more in depth in the future.” You noticed two Ladies pointedly avoiding your gaze, but the rest smiled approvingly. Your heart soared and you felt a weight lift off your chest. Unconsciously, you glanced down to your right, but your eyes went a person back from Philip: Alexander.

He beamed at you and your heart buzzed, but you refused to react to it. Honestly, you had forgotten he had been there most of the time throughout the meeting. The meeting had required so much of your attention. But now… Now your attention wasn’t directed to anything besides him. Your cheeks warmed.

You were jolted out of your thoughts by a strong clap on the back. You turned around--where had all the Ladies gone?

"Y/N, you've been standing there for ages. Come on, come celebrate! You did so well!" Philip grinned as he spoke and you couldn't help but smile back. His joy was contagious.

"Alright," you said, reluctantly acquiescing. You snuck a glance back at Alexander, but he was already shuffling out the door. Philip pulled your attention again, and you painted a smile on your face as you followed him out the door.

Philip, Theodosia, and you spent the better part of the rest of the day churning through seven bottles of your household’s excess wine. Since your mother had begun believing being intoxicated would increase a person’s chances of being seduced by mages, the three of you knew exactly when to take advantage of the free alcohol.

You giggled at Theo scrunching her nose as Philip said something to make fun of her. The library was quiet as you watched the sunset, and you laid flat on the floor, feeling the weight of the wine clogging your mind.

“Y/N?” Philip asked, returning you from your thoughts. You turned your head and hummed in acknowledgement, but Philip and Theo looked at you expectantly. You realized they must have asked you a question.

“I’m sorry, what?” you mumbled through your slurred voice. This time, it was Theo who spoke up.

“We were talking about our lunch tomorrow,” Theo explained, a hint of seriousness to her tone. You sat up concerned.

“What about it?” you inquired with a frown.

Philip and Theo exchanged wary glances at each other before Philip sighed. “We know you won’t be too keen on the idea, but we think you should bring Alexander.”

You stared at them for a long time and then finally shook your head. “No. Alexander will not be attending lunch with us, ever,” you responded with finality.

Theo looked uncomfortable as she began to speak. “Y/N, you know he’s a perfect match. You need to invite him,” she replied firmly. You gave them both a helpless expression as your cheeks began to flush uncontrollably. To hide a bit of the color, you laid back down on the floor and covered your face with your hands.

“Fine,” you finally gave it. “I’ll ask him,” you grumbled, wondering how exactly you were going to manage that and then deciding it was a problem for tomorrow: when you were sober.

You sighed loudly and sat back up. It was now dark outside. Philip and Theo began standing up beside you and you watched them. They looked down at you and each gave you a small smile.

“You did amazing today, Y/N,” Philip told you for what felt like the hundredth time. You stood up and gave both of your friends hugs. “Go get some sleep,” he commanded softly. You gave a small smile as him and Theo walked out of the library holding hands. 

You clenched your eyes shut and cleared your mind of all the voices bothering you. And then you began walking towards your room.

But instead of heading to your room, you impulsively turned down the next hall and sloppily climbed the stairs at the end of it, giggling the whole way. You wanted to be up with the stars after today, you thought with a smile.

When you reached the top of the staircase, you swung the heavy wooden door open without ceremony. The breeze of the night wind greeted you with the warm summer’s night, and you smiled at the sight of the stars, stepping out onto the rooftop.

Your mind was still mostly sober, yet registering things slower. Something was off. Something was different. And you couldn’t quite-

“Alexander?” you whispered when you noticed his figure to the side. He sat at the edge of the rooftop, staring at you frozen. Your mind second handedly took in the half empty wine bottle sitting to his right. But mostly, you took in his eyes.

They blended in with the stars.

Your body began to vibrate with a happiness you weren’t sure you were allowed to own. But you wanted this. You wanted to end this night with Alexander--your friend Alexander--on this rooftop. With a small smile, you glided over to Alexander’s perch and sat down beside him.

He still stared at you, wordless.

You gave him a questioning look. “Is something wrong?” you asked playfully. But he continued to stare at you like- Your eyes widened. 

_Stupid, Y/N_ , you thought to yourself. He was in love with Bethany, and he thought you were- Well you weren’t, but him thinking it was enough to make you realize how stupid you were being. You closed your eyes and shook your head slightly.

“I’m sorry, I should-” you cut off your mumbling, with your hands pushing you up to stand. Your cheeks flushed red, embarrassed. How could you let yourself become so obvious in your intoxicated state? You half considered just jumping off the rooftop if it would allow you to escape faster.

But as you were halfway standing up, Alexander jumped into action. “No, wait! Y/N! P-please. Sit with me, I’m sorry. I won’t-” He cut off uncomfortably, as his cheeks began to match a hue of your own. His unfinished sentence hung in the air.

I won’t tell Bethany.

You knew you shouldn’t have sat back down, but you couldn’t help it. An awkward silence passed between the two of you as you both just stared ahead into the night sky. You were very acutely aware of his body’s presence next to you. And suddenly, you needed it to not be quiet. You needed to not be able to hear where your thoughts were going.

“Do you come up here often?” you asked softly, glancing up at him shyly. His eyes met yours with an unreadable emotion.

He was silent for a moment before he responded. “I try to come up here as many nights as possible,” he finally responded. You nodded and then actually absorbed his answer.

You wrinkled your nose confused and held his gaze. “Why?” you inquired noisily. “I get the charm of the place, but wouldn’t coming up here all the time take away from it a little?”

He seemed to relax a little that you were settling into your usual banter, and he considered you question. “Not necessarily. This is my favorite place to just think,” he responded softly. “It’s my favorite place to create stories, and that never gets old.”

You gazed up at the stars and could feel what he was describing. Unconsciously, you began to lean more into him, and he stiffened a little, but didn’t make any protest. And you realized you just wanted to listen to Alexander talk. About anything. You wanted to hear him tell one of his stories in his place.

“What’s your favorite story?” you asked dreamily. His entire body grew rigid, and you pulled away from him, furrowing your eyebrows.

He looked at you petrified. And then tried to force himself to relax as he shook his head.

“You don’t want to ask me that question,” he finally said softly. Your eyebrows raised, inquiring an explanation, but he refused to give any.

You huffed, playfully annoyed. “I didn’t want it to come to this,” you commented. His eyes questioned yours, and you shrugged your shoulders. “It’s going to have to be one of my questions now, if you refuse to answer.”

It took him a few seconds to register you were talking of your deal in captivity. You had two honestly answered questions left. He was sent into a panic. 

“W-why would you want to waste one of your questions on that?” he asked, genuinely confused.

You took him in and shrugged your shoulders again. “You’re not answering it, so now I’m more curious than anything,” you answered lightly, but upon observing his terrified expression, you frowned. “What is so secret about this story? What could be that bad about it?”

He shook his head again. “Y/N, I promise, you don’t want to know.”

You gritted your teeth. “Well, I’m going to get to know anyways,” you demanded. “It’s one of my questions, so… spill.” Why did you always end up angry at Alexander? Were you even angry at him? Or yourself?

He clenched his eyes and sighed. He was silent for a long while, and then opened his eyes and stared into the night, refusing to meet your gaze. “It’s a story about a stall boy who meets two beautiful and well-endowed sisters.”

Your skin turned icy in the warm night as you stared at Alexander. “You are horrible, did you know that?” Alexander looked up at you with surprised eyes, and you began standing up furiously. “You owed me a truthful answer, and you pull this shit on me?” You sense a bit of confusion in his eyes as he scrambled to stand up after you. 

You knew you were overreacting, but you couldn’t hear what he was about to tell you. You had thought you were doing better. Turning your back so you could hide the tears, you began stalking towards the door. It was just the wine, you told yourself. You had to be doing better. You couldn’t be pining after Bethany’s Choice for the rest of your life.

“Y/N, I am being honest, please,” he cried out behind you. You froze and collected your thoughts. You could face this, focus, you told yourself. With an icy glare, you turned around.

“Well, congratulations that your real life is a damn fairytale, then,” you responded coldly. His eyes widened as you continued. “Was this just to get back at me? To prove you’re so happy with Bethany?”

He shook his head. “What? No. It’s not like that.”

You gritted your teeth. “Then tell me what it’s ‘like’,” you demanded sarcastically, trying to stop the tears from pooling over. You were over him, you kept repeating to yourself. The nightmare had ended. It had ended.

“In this version of the story, the younger sister doesn’t Choose the stall boy,” he confessed quickly. And the two of you were at a standstill.

You stared at him angrily until you could find the words. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” you growled. “That you would rather be anywhere but with Bethany? That you wish you were just never Chosen?” Again, his eyes widened at your words.

“You think I don’t want to be Chosen?” he asked incredulously. You raised your eyebrows as a confirmation and narrowed them as he almost began laughing. “Y/N, that’s not how it ends either,” he explained carefully. Slowly, his face began to shine beet red.

“Then how does your wonderful, spectacular, fairytale life end, Alexander? Please, enlighten me,” you inquired bitterly. Your jaw was set like stone.

He hesitated and took in your angry form. Cringing, softly he said, “In my favorite version, it’s the elder sister who Chooses the stall boy.” It took a moment for the words to register.

And then all of your anger evaporated out of you.

You gazed into his sad eyes; they were staring back intently. A voice inside you was screaming “He wishes you Chose him!”, but you couldn’t allowed yourself to listen to it. Your unrequited feelings you would eventually get over just became real. Your body began shaking.

“You’re right,” you whispered softly. His eyes lit up in anticipation, and you cringed. “I didn’t want to know that.”

His expression plummeted at your words; you felt sick to your stomach. But you gritted your teeth and kept your expression neutral. You had to end this before this started. You couldn’t do this to Bethany. And you especially couldn’t do it to yourself. You had to let him think what you knew he was thinking, even though you wanted to scream that he was wrong.

His eyes avoided yours as he mumbled an apology. You stood stoic as he moved to walk around you to escape.

“Let him go” you repeated to yourself over and over again. But as he passed, he glanced up at you with those sad, beautiful eyes. And something in you cracked just enough to let him in.

You froze and let him walk a few more steps. But eventually, you couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I wish I would have Chosen you, too,” you confessed, the words tumbling out of your mouth too fast to stop them.

The sound of his footsteps ceased, and you cringed. Gradually, you turned to face him with his helpless eyes to match your own. You couldn’t believe you ever thought you would be able to let him go.

He took a step towards you, and you refused the urge to back away. “Say it again?” he pleaded desperately as he edged closer to you. Your words stuck in your throat as you stared at him. Suddenly, his arm was wrapped around your waist, with his other hand toying with your hair. You closed your eyes and tried to focused on breathing, but all you could focus on was Alexander’s breath on your cheek.

“Y/N?” he asked, begging you to respond. But your mind was overflowed with too many emotions. Alexander was too close.

You managed to form three words you needed to say. “Don’t kiss me,” you instructed. Your eyes met his hurt ones as he gently dug his fingers deeper into your hair. You stifled a moan and looked at Alexander seriously. “Please, don’t,” you whispered again, shuddering under his touch and allowing your arms to snake around his back.

His expression seemed wounded as he inquired why. His forehead connected with yours and you subconsciously leaned closer into him.

“It’ll change everything,” you whispered hoarsely. He let out a small chuckle.

“Aren’t we a little past that?” he asked sadly. It honestly had never occurred to you that you were. How could you be too far gone already when just this morning everything was under control?

You shook your head. “We can’t be. For Bethany. We can’t,” you repeated to yourself, and Alexander let go of you with a small grimace. Tears pooled in both of your eyes as you both refused to acknowledge how unnatural it felt to not be embracing. You took a shuddering breath, and lowered your eyes from his.

“I-I should… then…” Alexander half-heartedly pointed towards the door, and began walking.

You could feel your world shattering around you as you watched him walk away. It wasn’t supposed to feel this way. You were supposed to be relieved. You had done the right thing. You had done the right thi-

Alexander’s hand touched the doorknob, and your previously forgotten alcohol consumption came storming back into your mind; you were completely intoxicated. And so was he. And of every moment left to come in your life, this could be the only one you would have an excuse to make a horrible mistake.

This could be your only chance to be with Alexander.

And just like that, your mind had flipped a switch you had thought you had hidden. All these months, you had tried so hard to keep it from yourself. But now you couldn’t help what happened next. Your body was propelled into motion.

“Alexander,” you called out. He turned around just in time to catch you.

The force of your body crashing into his slammed the door shut behind him. His rough lips pressed against yours as his hands roamed your lower back. Your fingers began tangling his stupidly soft hair and pulling slightly. He softly ran his tongue over your lower lip, and you gasped slightly, which he took as his cue.

Leaning down slightly, his hands grabbed your upper thighs through your dress and lifted you up. Immediately reacting, your legs wrapped tightly around his waist, pressing your bodies flush to each other. He spun you around, and you gasped as your back hit the wall beside the door. Before your mind could begin processing anything, however, his lips were once again connected with yours and you lost any thoughts that may have been forming.

After what felt like years, you both stopped to breathe, and your eyes met. And you both knew. Despite your intoxicated state, you were too sober to continue. Slowly, Alexander dropped your legs and took as step back as you kept your back pressed against the wall. Both of your were breathing heavily and looked at each each other helplessly. Alexander ran his fingers through his hair and cringed while you wrapped your arms around yourself to hold yourself together. Then without another word, Alexander roughly pulled open the door beside you and exited the rooftop.

You stood there for a few moments, trying to gather your thoughts, and then sank slowly to the ground, holding yourself the whole way. As you sat with a thud, sobs began racking your body uncontrollably.

“Shit!” you screamed into the silent night. You curled your arms around your knees and buried your head.

You had officially sealed your fate as the worst sister to ever grace the world.


	9. Follow Standard Rules and Regulations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me twice as long to update so you get a twice as long update.

The next morning, you woke with a headache you wished could be blamed on the alcohol. But you knew it was a gentle reminder from your body that you had fallen asleep with wet streams of tears rolling off your cheeks accompanied by the helpless shaking of your curled body. You remained in your fetal position until the daylight demanded attention through the window. And then with a heavy sigh, you slowly removed yourself from the safety of your bed.

As you numbly began undressing from your nightgown, your breath caught as your hands landed on your hips to pull the dress over your head. Just at the simple sensation, a memory took over. Larger hands tugged at your waist desperately. The soft hair running through your fingers counterbalanced the rough lips pressing against yours.

You gasped and bit your lip hard, clenching your eyes shut to gain control. The events of the previous night wouldn’t be lingered on. It was a drunken kiss. A mistake that you consciously made. Something you would have to live with. But not something you would let own you.

Letting out a slow stream of air, you gently shook yourself into successfully removing your nightgown. As you slipped into your dress for the day and began tying up the simple lace in the back, you glanced up at the clock.

Shit.

You sped up your tying process frantically as you realized you were supposed to meet Philip and Theodosia in five minutes for lunch. Your feet hurried you over to your desk as you pulled the dress lace tight and quickly grabbed a ribbon to pull your hair back. Once your hair was secured, you bent down and opened your bottom desk drawer. Pulling out the lined box inside, you pressed gently on the fake drawer bottom and retrieved the folder from inside the secret compartment.

Not wanting to waste time lacing up boots, you ran out the door in your slippers, figuring your dress was long enough to hide them anyways. Grateful your mother would still be absent from the household for another two days, you took the direct path to the spare dining hall over your usual, safe winding path to save time.

Unfortunately your timing betrayed you.

As you rounded the corner to the dining hall, a figure from the opposite end of the hallway caught your eye. You froze as your skin began to become icy.

Alexander also froze, studying you with such an intensity you were sure he could see right through you. But after a short moment, you snapped back into the task at hand.

Your eyes averted from his, and with your head down, you determinedly stalked to the door, thankfully slightly more on your side of the hallway. But as soon as you took your first step, Alexander called out.

“Wait, Y/N, we should- we should talk,” he pleaded, as you blatantly ignored his calls. He began to walk towards you and you ducked into the dining hall door with gritted teeth.

Philip and Theodosia looked up at you surprised as you flew into the room and stopped with your eyes closed to compose yourself. When you looked back at them, Theodosia furrowed her eyebrows and frowned at you.

“Where’s Alexander?” she asked pointedly, probably making the correct assumption that you hadn’t even remembered to invite him. Though, to be fair, Theodosia’s reasoning probably entailed your general dislike for Alexander. While the actual reasoning was quite the opposite, given the circumstances.

You opened your mouth to respond and reason with Theodosia as the door behind you burst open. You turned around startled and strained to hold in a groan.

“Y/N, please, we need to talk about-”

Alexander cut off as he saw he was also in the company of Philip and Theodosia. His words trailed off and his eyes wandered questioning to you as you bit your lip uncomfortably.

“Good! You’re here!” you heard Theodosia announce smugly from behind you. “To be completely honest, I thought Y/N wimped out of inviting you.”

Alexander’s eyes questioned yours, and you shook your head slightly as to not say anything. After a moment, he seemed to consent by pressing his lips into a firm line and giving a short nod.

“Just go along with it, and we’ll talk later,” you murmured, promising him a conversation you would rather avoid. This, however, convinced him more thoroughly to accept what was happening. With a small sigh, you turned around with a light smile at Theodosia. “I told you I would invite him, didn’t I?” you asked innocently. Theodosia merely rolled your eyes, somehow sensing you had gotten lucky. You began walking towards the table with a slight smirk, noting Alexander’s presence close behind you.

Alexander sat down pensively as Philip and Theodosia watched him expectantly. After a short moment, he cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“Um, am I allowed to ask why I’m here?” he inquired nervously. Now their eyes shifted to you.

You shrugged your shoulders avoiding eye contact. “You told me to invite him, not to brief him. I did my job,” you reasoned with a pointed look. Philip smirked while Theodosia rolled her eyes with a soft tone on her face. “Besides,” you continued, “I don’t think we should brief him until he agrees.”

“Agrees to what?” Alexander’s voice asked. You glanced uneasily between the other two, and finally landed your eyes on Alexander’s. And those damned beautiful eyes were pleading an explanation from you.

You pressed your lips together and then sighed. “We can’t tell you,” you finally admitted regretfully. His eyes narrowed as yours held his steadily. You resisted the urge to reach out and gently hold his arm. “You’ll just have to agree. Blind faith.”

He studied your eyes carefully, and you felt the warm pit in your stomach ignite, trying to press the way those eyes looked at you under stars from your mind. You couldn’t let your mind wander. Not here. Your teeth chewed on the inside of your cheek. Alexander’s eyes looked scared and unsure, and you had no way of soothing it. A frown crossed your mouth.

“You can walk out right now,” you offered in a softer, more sincere tone. His expression softened slightly and you allowed yourself to relax a little. “We won’t take any offense. It’s a big decision, and I’m sorry we can’t explain anything until you make it.”

He pulled his expression into a somber one and briefly broke eye contact with you to glance at Philip and Theodosia. When his eyes met yours again, he seemed conflicted.

“Be honest with me,” he instructed, and you nodded slightly. “Do I want to agree?”

You weighed his question and blocked out Theodosia’s sharp inhale of breath. You already knew what she was thinking: you would say no. You didn’t want Alexander with them, so you would turn him away while you had his trust.

But it only took a few moments of consideration to come to an honest answer.

“Yes,” you admitted regretfully. “You really want to agree.”

All of his apprehension vanished at your words, and he nodded in agreement. “Then okay. I agree,” he stated, his eyes never leaving yours. You offered a small strained smile.

“I’m sorry for putting you into danger,” you confessed, not willing to meet his bewildered look. “I needed to tell you that before you excitedly dive into our mess,” you mumbled.

Alexander watched you carefully, and then moved his eyes to Theodosia, who was beaming at him.

“Welcome to Civilian Protection, Alexander,” Theodosia announced.

“I prefer to call it Mommy Issues, but do as you will,” Philip inserted with a playful shrug.

You snorted at the comment, against your will. “You do not,” you reprimanded with an eye roll. “And please never refer to my mother as ‘mommy’ again,” you added after a second thought. Philip burst out in laughter as Theodosia gave the two of you unimpressed glares.

Determined to continue with the speech you were sure Theodosia already had planned, she held Alexander’s eyes and continued. “We’ll get more into detail as the meeting gets more in depth, but right now the basics you’ll need to know are we’re a network of dedicated volunteers throughout the sector planning and executing various actions to keep the civilians of this sector safe from the tyrannical rule of Lady Aremine. Philip, John, Y/N, and I started up CP five years ago when the war broke out. We meet once a month in this room after the monthly sector meeting to plan any upcoming retaliations we’ll have to execute against the Lady’s commands.”

You could see all the questions swarming in his mind, and the three of you waited patiently for one to surface.

“If you’re an Anti-Aremine group, why do you meet under her roof? Couldn’t she be spying on us?” he finally asked perplexed.

“Mother would become suspicious if I left the house once a month; however, the four of us already were meeting after every sector meeting for lunch, so we just converted those lunches into our meetings,” you explained carefully. “As for being spied on, this room used to be a command room for the generals in their wars. The general who designed the house--Lady Erinne--made sure to secure every nook and cranny of this room to ensure spying was entirely impossible. The room was redesigned a few generations ago when a new command room was installed in the basement.”

Alexander stared at you in awe; a slight blush greeted your skin as you looked down nervously.

“Y/N can explain a lot of the gritty details of CP to you later,” Philip pushed into the conversation gently, more serious this time. “She’s the actual founder of the group as she came to the rest of us with the idea, and she’s the one who makes most of what we do possible. She’ll make sure you’re caught up to speed. But right now, Y/N, we need to discuss the negotiations,” Philip informed you seriously. You sighed.

You paused for a moment, gathering yourself before asking the inevitable question that would ruin your day. “What are the other sectors saying?” you finally spoke, dreading the answer. You tried your best to ignore the incredulous eyes boring into the side of your face beside you.

Philip grimaced, looking down at the sheet in his hands. “Nothing good. They think it’s a ludicrous plan and we’ll never be able to pull through it. The sector that pulls the most weight with the other sectors is Dmere. If we get them, we’ll get the rest of them... probably. But the only way Dmere will even consider agreeing is if there’s a transfer of power.”

You sucked in a sharp breath. You had been afraid of that. You felt three pairs of eyes watch you carefully. “Did you explain that we can’t promise that?” you asked softly.

“I did, but they said we could promise it if we really wanted to,” Philip informed you regretfully.

You clenched your eyes shut and tapped your fingers on the table, trying to think. There had to be another solution, right? But any solutions eluded you. Eventually you opened your eyes and took a cautious side glance at Alexander. No real reason existed for you to trust his opinion as much as you did, but you found yourself needing it anyways. You raised your eyebrows at him, and he shook his head lost.

“I don’t know what we’re talking about,” he confessed, and you gave him a soft smile.

“It’s a negotiation with all the other sectors to cease fire on the war without my mother’s knowledge,” you explained slowly. Alexander’s eyes widened.

“You can do that?” he asked in awe, and you grimaced.

“Apparently not with my mother still in power,” you muttered. You tried to take a few calming breaths, but Theodosia interrupted you.

“Y/N, I know you don’t want to consider it, but-”

You slammed your fist down on the table, startling everyone. “I will not kill my mother,” you growled. Everyone sat stoic, watching you with alarm. “I established that clear at the beginning of CP. We will not assassinate her to win. We will always find another way.”

Philip and Theodosia shared a wary glance, and then they both finally nodded somberly, knowing it was useless to argue with you. You closed your eyes and steadied your breathing.

“Tell them I’ll need two years,” you finally instructed, opening your eyes and meeting Philip’s. “If they give me two years of a silent cease fire, I can promise them a new leader of this sector.” You gritted your teeth and avoided all three sets of wide eyes staring at you. Finally, Philip cleared his throat.

“Okay,” he said softly, shooting you a questioning look, but you were still pointedly staring at the table.

With a sigh, you opened the folder in front of you. “Where are we on last month’s mage relocations?” you asked in a forced neutral tone. This time it was Theodosia who responded.

“All of them safely relocated and settled in neighboring sectors. Which reminds me, our Yarrick sector correspondent has suggested that they’re close to capacity limit on refugees at the moment. Tiln and Wehj have offered safe passage of refugees, so we just need to work out an altered plan to start shuttling them to those sectors instead.”

You nodded briefly, unconcerned. Revamping the relocation procedure slightly shouldn’t be any problem. “Tell Yarrick that we appreciate their open doors and cooperation,” you noted, and Theodosia nodded, writing the message down.

Alexander stared incredulously at you, and you furrowed your eyebrows. “You guys relocate mages before she can get to them?” he asked in awe.

You shook your head slightly. “We try to do that, but a lot of times there in such good hiding from her, we can’t find them. So instead we let them come to us,” you explained with a shrug.

“You let them come to us?” Alexander repeated, confused.

“Alexander, how many mages do you think Aremine has sentenced to death in the past five years?” Philip asked intrigued.

Alexander contemplated the question. “I don’t know. Two hundred?”

“Three hundred and twelve,” Philip answered, with a shake of the head. “Now how many of those mages do you think died?”

“Three hundred and six,” Alexander responded. You smiled slightly that he didn’t count his six from the sector meeting two months ago.

Philip looked Alexander directly in the eye and deadpanned, “Three.”

Alexander gawked at the number and began scrambling for words. “But-but… How?”

Philip smirked in satisfaction at Alexander’s reaction and leaned back in his chair. Shrugging his shoulders, he shot Alexander a mischievous smile. “What can I say?” Philip bragged rightfully. “I’m good at what I do.”

“What he means is,” you cut in, slightly more serious, “Philip heads our mage rescues. He leads a small team of now highly trained operatives to fake convicted mages’ deaths and safely relocate them to the neighboring sectors.” Alexander’s mouth hung slightly open as he studied you silently under your slight blush. “I don’t really know more about that operation than that. Philip likes to keep what he does quiet.” You trailed off at the end of your statement, not wanting to disclose the reason for Philip’s secrecy to Alexander.

Philip’s gaze met yours, understanding your hesitancy, or at least part of it. “It’s just a precaution in case the worst happens. I’ve found the less the people I’m saving know, the easier it is for me to believably pull off the operation,” he explained to Alexander softly. You felt Alexander’s eyes wildly search your expression as you steadily gazed at the files in your folder pointedly. You knew Alexander had just realized two important things.

The first was Philip wouldn’t disclose information on his mage rescues with you because he was afraid he would have to perform one for you if Lady Aremine ever decided to get rid of you.

The second was Alexander was the only one who knew your mother had already tried to get rid of you.

Ignoring the heat in your cheeks, you desperately scrambled to change the subject before Alexander gave your secret away.

“Theodosia heads our letters force,” you stated steadily, not making eye contact with the man next to you. “Her and a widespread dedicated team visit each of our soldiers before heading off to war in private. In the meetings, the new recruits are given time to write a letter to their family, which is subsequently turned into Theodosia’s team. Our main inside man at the war front keeps careful track of the soldiers we lose. Every week, we get an updated list of the men who gave their lives. It is then that we give the letter to the family, to always have something for them to remember by.”

“The trick is,” Theodosia cut in with a solemn tone, “Lady Aremine has all outgoing letters from the war burned upon departure from their camps. She can’t risk the people finding out about how much we’re losing, which means family’s can’t learn how many of their sons have died. The letter system is in place to offer closure to the families.”

Alexander looked as if he mouth was dry, trying to form any words. You realized that this all might be overwhelming at one time. Maybe you should have introduced him to CP in smaller steps, so-

“But what if Lady Aremine discovers families are getting letters? Wouldn’t she know then that something was up?” Alexander asked with a burning curiosity. Theodosia was right; it would take no time at all for Alexander to become consumed by this organization.

Theodosia shot him a smug smile and a pointed look towards you. “Oh, she would be livid if she found out. Luckily, however, she won’t. It’s pretty complicated process, and by the look you’re giving me right now, you don’t believe me, but trust me. Y/N came up with this at the start of CP, and it’s never failed. Essentially, Lady Aremine is incredibly vain and is hyperly aware of her lack of support throughout the sector; however, instead of caring about what people think of her, she punishes them. Both Aremine supporters and challengers fight in her war. The difference is supporters volunteer and challengers are drafted. All men drafted to the war are unchosen sons of Aremine challengers’ households, which essentially is the majority of the sector.

“These families hate Aremine as much as you or I. So we’ve implemented a system--a code of means. When we receive a name, we visit the house and leave a symbol on a pebble outside their door. The next day, another pebble will be there with one of two symbols: a symbol that tells us we’re free to approach the family or a symbol that tells us Aremine supporters are in the area and we need to wait to visit them. When we receive the first symbol, we approach the family with their letter and instructions not to tell anyone. The plan works so smoothly, it’s astounding. One of the many reminders that we’re all in this against Aremine. And that Y/N is a genius.”

You shifted uncomfortably. “You’re giving me too much credit, Theodosia. It was a gamble to trust our whole operation on those people not talking. A long shot. But I just trust people,” you admitted, your lips pressed in a straight line.

“Well, your long shot idea has kept families’ connected to their loved ones for five years, so I think I’m giving plenty of credit where it’s due,” Theodosia commented with finality. You kept your lips tight and once again avoided eye contact with everyone. Philip and Theodosia were making you out to be a lot better than you were. All you had done is grown up to think like your mother, and learned how to counterattack from there. Anyone in your position would have been able to do the same.

“As much as I would love to stay and just discuss different protections we could implement with you, Alexander, I’m afraid Theodosia and I must be off,” Philip cut in, regrettably. “The wedding’s in a year and Lady Schuyler’s tailor is meeting us today. I am, however, incredibly excited to see what you bring to CP. Just from what I’ve seen from you in Lady Aremine’s meetings, I think you’ll become an asset.” Alexander bit back a smile at the compliment as Philip stood with the corners of his lips tugged slightly upwards.

Theodosia stood after him; you could visibly see her change from Theodosia the Protector to Theodosia the Friend as she distanced herself from the meeting table.

“Wish me luck,” Theodosia playfully requested with a sparkle in her eye. “Lady Schuyler always tries to put me in colors suiting her pale complexion that look atrocious on me. I would give anything for a blue gown from her.” An amused smile continued to play at her lips as you smirked in return. Theodosia’s arm latched gently into Philip’s; with a soft wave, they dismissed themselves and left you alone with the man beside you.

As the door shut behind your friends, you purposefully began busying yourself with the papers in the folder and pointedly avoided Alexander’s obvious gaze. Your insides began inverting, and you wished with all your heart to be back huddled in your bed. The two of you obviously needed to talk, but you had nothing to say. Or too much to say. You couldn’t be sure.

“I’m sorry,” Alexander finally stated, shattering the silence. You froze and shot your eyes up to his, confused.

As your eyebrows furrowed, you asked, “For what?” A small part of you knew what you feared he was apologizing for. And as horrible as the entire situation was, you didn’t think you could bear it if he regretted the kiss. As stupid and reckless as it sounded, you couldn’t bring yourself to regret the previous night for the reasons you should.

“I accused you of not doing anything, of being a sell out,” he admitted ashamed, avoiding your wide eyes. “I shouldn’t have… I should have known that you were already doing more than I could fathom. It was completely unfair of me. And I’m sorry, Y/N.”

You stared at him sadly for a moment, watching as he gazed intently at his fidgeting thumbs. Your lips pressed together, ignoring the buzzing in your stomach.

Finally, a soft sigh escaped your lips. “There’s no way you could have known, Alexander. I’m not harboring any hard feelings on the matter. And you- you weren’t completely wrong. I can be a sell out.” You bit your lip as it was your turn to avoid eye contact.

“You’re not a sell out,” Alexander’s voice rang out forcibly. Your eyes squeezed shut as you let out a shuddering breath; opening them cautiously, your hopeful eyes searched Alexander’s determined ones.

A small smile turned at the corner of your lips as you took in your new ally. “Thank you, Alexander,” you whispered.

There were a few beats of unfilled silence before Alexander asked you something you knew had been eating away at him.

“Y/N, why didn’t you tell Philip and Theodosia your mother was behind our abduction?” he inquired, concerned. You sucked in a breath and began fidgeting.

Shooting Alexander an unconvincing smile, you shrugged. “I just don’t want them to be worried about me,” you explained, trying to keep your voice light. But Alexander just stared at you like he was trying to figure you out.

“They should be worried about you,” he deadpanned. You grimaced, knowing he was right.

Shifting in your seat and downcasting your eyes, you struggled to find the words you needed to explain. “Philip and Theodosia… They try to understand what it’s like to have Aremine as a mother, but they just can’t… All those people out there being threatened and dying because of my mother? It’s my responsibility to save them. If Philip and Theodosia discovered how close my mother got to disposing of me… Everything I’ve worked for to correct my mother’s horrors would be over. They would expose CP and use all of their resources to help me.”

“Saving the world doesn’t solely rest on your shoulder’s,” Alexander reasoned with you, a hint of frustration slipping into his voice. “Maybe Philip and Theodosia should save you, since you seem so adamant against saving yourself.”

You sighed. “Alexander, my mother puts people in danger every day. Even if they saved me, I would still be in danger. She would hunt me down. At least here I can help the others,” you argued softly, the passion in your voice demanding Alexander respect your position. “Either they save me, or I save hundreds, even thousands. I’m not special or important enough to be considered in the grand scheme of things.”

“I think that depends on who you ask,” he murmured softly, his intense gaze warming your cheeks.

You both sat like that for a bit, waiting to see if either of you would speak again. You were relieved Alexander had decided to let the issue go, but you were still a bit shaken by the note he had left the issue on. Turning back and grabbing your folder, you made a motion to stand. Alexander merely gazed at you from his sitting position. “Come on,” you chided him softly.

Your voice snapped him back into the present as he stood readily. Almost as if out of instinct, his hand ghosted yours, like he intended to interlock fingers. Noticing his mistake, however, his hand quickly drifted from yours, and your mind released a sigh of relief. The two of you walked in silence towards the door.

As you reached out to open the door, Alexander inhaled sharply.

“We should talk about it,” he garbled, trying to speak too fast.

You froze with your hand on the doorknob and your back to him. A small part of you had hoped he would let it go. But you knew he was right. You needed to talk about it.

You needed to set boundaries.

With a regretful sigh, you turned around and met Alexander’s wild eyes.

“We don’t get drunk around each other ever again,” you stated with finality. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you raised yours. “That’s rule number one.”

He shook his head and held his hand up to stop you. “Rule number one?”

“If you’re going to be in CP, we’re going to have to be around each other a lot,” you explained, trying to keep your voice even. But one glance at the look painted on his face, and you broke. “Plus, I want us to be friends, Alexander. All of this would just be easier if we were friends, right?” Your eyes pleaded with his that this nonsense you were telling yourself somehow made sense.

Alexander considered you for a moment, licking his dry lips. Then averting his eyes and uncomfortably shifting his hand to the back of his neck, he nodded. “Yeah, that would be- that would probably be the easiest.”

You pursed your tightened lips and nodded stiffly. “Okay,” you confirmed, slightly relieved. “So rules. No getting drunk around each other. No going to the roof together. No touching each other.”

Alexander snorted at this, and you frowned. “Let me guess, no whispering anything inappropriate to you as you pass down the hallway? No playing footsie with you during family dinner? No sleeping in your bed?”

Your eyes narrowed at his joke as you tried to maintain the blush that was now invading your cheeks. “Well,” you started with a snarky inflection in your voice. “I wasn’t going to make the last one a rule, but if you insist.” You let the sentence fade away as you rolled your eyes and shrugged your shoulders.

Alexander let out a small laugh at this, his eyes glowing, you couldn’t help but notice. “Okay, but really Y/N, give me some real rules here. Some real boundaries,” he inquired, suddenly becoming sincere.

You were caught off guard. “I- I did,” you responded, with a slightly defensive tone.

“No,” he countered gently. “You gave me obvious things we shouldn’t do. I mean, what could I do that would make you uncomfortable? We both laid our feelings out there last night, Y/N. Bethany’s your sister and it was unreasonable for me to put that much on you. What can I do to make it up to you? What can I do to make this easier?”

“You can stop being so damn caring,” you quipped without thinking. Your face burned redder than before as Alexander let out a short bark of laughter. “I’m serious,” you demanded, beginning to giggle a bit yourself. “It’s a lot easier on me when you’re an ass.”

An amused smile broke out on Alexander’s face before he playfully wiped it off and became incredibly serious. “Right, okay. I think I’m going to set up a stand in between our rooms, and every time you pass, I’ll hand out personal insults.”

You giggled more at the serious offer Alexander made and shook your head. “I think just glaring at me at the dinner table will suffice,” you countered.

His face once again relaxed into his all too familiar smirk. Your lips turned upwards at the corners in response. But there was a worry behind your eyes that neither of you could miss.

“We can do this, right?” you asked anxiously. “We can be friends without messing this up more than we already have?”

Alexander studied you sadly before taking a deep breath and blinding you with that smile.

“Hey, what could go wrong? We’ve got rules to follow.”

It took exactly three and a half weeks to break (almost) all of your rules. 

As it turns out, neither you nor Alexander are very good at self-discipline.

The first week passed with no incidents, as you both were incredibly careful around each other. But as the two of you became closer and naturally slipped into a strongly bonded friendship, the care and control slowly slipped away.

It started off accidental. Alexander didn’t realize you were already on the rooftop, and so he unknowingly joined you one day halfway through the second week. He immediately turned to leave you, but at the time, it seemed silly that the two of you couldn’t share a rooftop. You were, after all, friends. So you beckoned him back.

Three days later, neither of you decided to approach the fact that your hands had naturally gravitated towards each other’s and clasped while you were walking through the orchard. Actually, at that moment, it seemed more pressing for the two of you to continue discussing CP’s negotiations with the surrounding sectors than how comfortably your hands fit together.

A few nights later, your foot accidentally brushed against Alexander’s at the dinner table as Bethany spoke adamantly about Peggy’s upcoming birthday ball. Before your eyes could apologize, Alexander smirked and gently kicked your foot. Your apology turned into a glare as you bit your cheek and periodically brushed your feet against Alexander’s in response to his touches throughout the dinner.

The following week, you passed Alexander on the way to your room. Just the sight of him caused a light smirk to automatically appear anymore. Seeing yours, Alexander’s face lit up into his own mischievous smirk. As you passed him, he whispered, “You wouldn’t be smirking if you knew what I was thinking about.”

Your face immediately flushed, and you whipped around angrily. But Alexander was already nonchalantly strolling down the hallway with his back to you. With a huff and a shake of your head, you continued on towards your room.

And somehow, later that week, you found yourself sitting at a bar in town with the most infuriating and infatuating man.

Bethany had begged the two of you to join her downtown to meet up with her friends for the Autumn Festival. Angela had pulled Bethany away to an “exclusive” party for their friends. Alexander and you had protested about being separated, but Bethany merely shot you both an apologetic look and shouted a suggestion that the two of you wait for her in the bar.

It didn’t take long for you to become buzzed or for the bartender to notice the tense silence between you and your company. The more alcohol the two of you consumed, the less your eyes met. You clenched your eyes shut and damned everything.

Damn Bethany for leaving you with Alexander. Damn the weather for raining and forcing you into the only shelter available. Damn the said shelter for requiring you to buy alcohol to remain in the facility. But most importantly, damn Alexander.

“What were you thinking about?” you slurred, awkwardly breaking the silence. You opened your eyes and met Alexander’s confused ones. “When you passed me in the hall the other day. What were you thinking about?”

Alexander shook his head and finished off his mug. “Is it one of your questions?” he asked, almost mockingly. You begrudgingly shook your head, willing to trust Alexander this time. “Then I’m not telling you,” he replied, looking pointedly at you dead in the eye and pushing his mug forward to signal a refill.

You sighed and stared at your half full glass. “Why don’t you just do it?” you asked, a neutral tone to the slurred words. You noticed Alexander’s head perk up at your words, but you refused to meet his eyes. “I don’t think it’s a wellkept secret the two of us wish to kiss again, so why don’t you just…” You sentence trailed off suggestively, as you waved your arm in a circle in hopes to distract from the tears building in the corners of your eyes.

Alexander studied you for a long time before responding. “I think it would be a clear violation of the rules,” he tried to point out lightly, but one glance at the heavy look in his eyes as he gazed at you revealed his true feelings.

You scoffed with a short laugh, and took a sip of the bitter beer. “I think we’ve sufficiently shot the rules to hell,” you countered, pointedly raising your eyebrows.

He smirked, and then morphed his expression into a serious gaze, shaking his head. “I haven’t slept in your bed,” he reminded you playfully.

“Do you want to?” you asked. In your intoxicated state, the retort came out a bit more serious than the lighthearted one you were shooting for. Both of your cheeks immediately flushed with a dark red as you avoided each other’s eyes. “I should stop drinking,” you mumbled, embarrassed.

A large hand gently tugged at your arm, and you turned to see a sympathetic Alexander pulling you from the bar. “I’ll make sure Bethany has a ride home, and then we can go,” he explained softly, and you nodded numbly in agreement.

By the time you had waited in the carriage for Alexander to make arrangements for Bethany and journeyed home, you were regrettably sober. And by the look in Alexander’s eyes, so was he.

Neither of you said anything as you walked to your hallway. But instead of turning off into his room, Alexander followed you into your room and shut the door behind him. Sighing, you untied your cloak and kept your back to him.

“Alexander, do we have to do this now?” you asked impatiently. But you knew the impatient tone was a mere side effect of how hopeless you felt in that moment.

“Yes,” he responded with a finality. You turned around slowly to meet his gaze. “We have to do this now. We should have done this weeks ago. Y/N: What are we doing?”

You considered Alexander for a long time before taking a deep breath. “I’m selfish,” you stated. Alexander’s eyebrows furrowed, but you held up a hand and shook your head so you could continue. “Not in a cute ‘I take care of myself’ way. In a ‘I won’t let anyone borrow my books’ way. In a ‘I count how much of my favorite foods I have even though I would have plenty if someone took some but I’ll still make an uncalled for ordeal about it if you do take some’ way. In a ‘I would talk all day about myself if anyone allowed me to’ way. And beyond that, I’m manipulative. If anyone--even loved ones--make me feel threatened, I know exactly how to make them feel like they’re the ones with problems, when most of the time it is me. I’ll start petty fights for no reason. I’m a compulsive liar because I feel like it keeps Bethany safe. I always-”

“Y/N!” Alexander all but shouted to stop you from talking. The look in his eyes was almost one of fear. “What are you doing?”

You sighed and hung your shoulders defeated, your eyes suddenly becoming dismal. “I- I’m giving you all the reasons you shouldn’t look at me that way,” you stated simply.

His breath caught as his eyes narrowed. After a few beats, he finally spoke.

“You know there’s almost nothing you could tell me that could stop me,” he argued gently. You shook your head and shook back the tears.

Pressing your hands to your forehead, you tried to hold yourself together. “I can’t let you do this to yourself, Alexander. I already brought you into my mother’s line of fire with CP and to add this on top of it-”

“You shouldn’t be scared of your mother,” Alexander blurted, looking like he immediately regretted the words.

Your eyes narrowed in a deadly manner. “What are you talking about?” you demanded. You were not going to have this fight with him again.

Alexander shifted uncomfortably and avoided eye contact. “I- I, um… I may have threatened your mother,” he admitted regretfully. The blood drained out of your body.

“You what?” you questioned breathlessly, suddenly feeling lightheaded. Your mind quickly swept through all the things your mother wouldn’t hesitate to do to someone who threatened her. Each one turned your stomach more than the next. How could Alexander be so… so… reckless?

“Y/N, it’s really not as bad as it sounds,” he attempted to reason with you, but he put up his hands defensively when you glared at him. “It- it was almost six months ago.”

You froze. Six months ago would have been right after you’d escaped. Your mouth tried to form a question, but Alexander quipped an answer to the unvoiced inquiries.

“I simply told her I knew about your powers, I was Bethany’s only Choice so she can’t get rid of me, and if she ever hurts you or tries to get rid of you again, I would tell the entire world exactly what she’d done,” Alexander explained quickly. When he was done, he watched you carefully, breathless. Waiting for some type of reaction.

But you merely stood staring at him dumbfounded. He went up against your mother for you. He threatened your mother for you. Even when the two of you seemingly hated each other, he still did it for you.

Find someone who defends you and know I am happy for you.

John’s words seared through your mind, as you blinked and snapped back to reality. The look in Alexander’s eyes overwhelmed you as small streams began eroding your cheeks. Burying your face in your hands, you took a few deep shuddering breaths in an attempt to calm yourself.

“Y/N?” Alexander asked softly, a slight fear in his voice that what he had done had upset you.

But instead of responding, you shook your head and looked up at him with a bitter smile. He watched as your light steps made their way towards him, and without pausing for a moment, you gently tugged his head towards yours.

This kiss was different than your first one. It wasn’t as wild or frenzied, but rather his soft lips comforted yours. His hands wrapped around your waist and held you securely, as your body began shaking because of your sobs.

You gently broke the kiss shortly after it began, and lowered your eyes quickly. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled, tears still streaming as the sobs erupted and Alexander pulled you into his chest.

You had waited years for anyone John thought was out there for you. And you finally found the only person crazy or stupid or brave enough to face down your mother for you, and he was the one person it was an impossibility to be with. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair.

“I know,” Alexander whispered, and you realized you had been whispering to yourself.

Meekly, you pulled back from Alexander’s embrace. Your eyes met his and you set your jaw determinedly.

“Considering everything, it’s incredibly reckless and honestly impossible for us to do this, but,” you trailed off, lowering your eyes.

Gently, Alexander’s hand pulled your chin back up so your eyes would stay with his. They pleaded with you, and you bit your cheek to hide the second round of tears building up.

“Y/N, please. Just- What are we doing?” he begged an answer from you.

With a sigh, you relented. “But I can’t not do this. I can’t not be with you,” you admitted softly. His lips pressed softly against yours at your response, and you smiled sadly at him as he pulled away.

“And the rest of this?” he asked, gesturing broadly to the two of yours gigantic piles of problems.

You formed a tight line with your lips and sighed. “We just figure it out as we go,” you finally conceded. “And if one of us wants out, we’re out. We both have to be willing to risk it at all times.”

Alexander nodded solemnly in agreement, and you suddenly had the sensation of an outer body experience. How did you get here? Why were you doing this?

And then Alexander gave you that soft smile, and a small peck on the cheek, and you knew you were doomed from the beginning. You had always been doomed.

As Alexander turned and walked from your room, you sighed.

At least he didn’t sleep in your bed.


	10. Trust Me with Your Ghosts

“I have something to show you.”

You shivered as you heard the voice murmur softly in your ear. A soft smile crossed your lips as the paper in your hand fell rejected to the desk. Biting your lip, you slowly turned to face the boy who grinned at you proudly. Reluctantly, you let out a sigh and slowly placed your hand in Alexander’s outstretched, waiting hand. You had reports to write and data to organize for your mother, but something in you always found time for Alexander’s antics.

His hand tightened around yours as he pulled you out of the desk chair and began leading you out of your room. Stiffening as you entered the hallway still clasping hands, you forced yourself to relax. Your mother was out visiting the vineyards for the day, and Bethany was on her daily stroll through their acres of gardens, which Alexander had apparently opted out of today. There wasn’t anyone who could run into you in this wing of the manor. You sighed, letting out the tension in your shoulders. A little over a month sneaking around with Alexander and you hadn’t become any less paranoid about being discovered.

Alexander led you gently through the labyrinth of hallways and soon you were almost certain you knew where he was leading you. You let a small smile curve at the edge of your lips as he gently tugged open the door to the stairway leading out to the roof. In a subdued excitement, he smiled at you and gestured for you to go first. Narrowing your eyes slightly at him, you reluctantly turned your back to him and began climbing. You weren’t sure what Alexander had planned for you, but you were beginning to become wary of his refusal to explain anything on your journey here.

As you pushed the door to the roof open, a cool breeze greeted you. A peaceful look overtook your face as you walked to the center of the roof, taking a few deep breaths. The fresh air felt good in your lungs today: it cleared your thoughts from the letter you had received from Philip that morning.

He and Theodosia had gotten their clearance. They were set to travel to Dmere in a few weeks, bypassing your mother’s strict border control. Up until this point, your correspondence with the other sectors had remained limited to their infiltrators contacting you. Directly leaving and reentering your sector was uncharted territory, and you couldn’t help to be concerned for your best friends. They were to be married in a year; they had their whole happy lives together ahead of them.

If something happened to them, you would never forgive yourself.

Heaving a sigh, you instead tried to focus on the cool autumn air. Philip and Theodosia could handle themselves. They would be alright, you told yourself over and over again.

Finally, you forced a smile on your face as you turned around, remembering Alexander was still with you. His eyes met yours with a smirk, and you noticed his hands were no longer empty. Glancing curiously down at them, you observed a crudely-bounded, well-worn stack of papers. Your eyebrows furrowed as you looked questionably back up at Alexander, wondering where he had gotten the papers, why, and when they appeared. He hadn’t been carrying them the whole time, had he?

Keeping his almost insufferably proud grin, he raised his eyebrows pointedly. “What? You think you’re the only one around here that has magic?” His question was playful, and you scoffed endearingly at it, rolling your eyes and shaking your head. Alexander’s face quickly became serious however, staring at you intently. “Y/N, why didn’t you tell me today was your birthday?” he inquired, disappointed. You froze.

How had he found out? You pouted and ignored Alexander’s pleading face as you crossed your arms across your chest. “Is that what this is all about?” you demanded, suddenly no longer wanting to be here. His face fell, and you averted your eyes to the ground as you shifted your weight on your feet uncomfortably. “I don’t celebrate my birthday,” you finally mumbled, still avoiding his eyes.

“Of course you do,” he insisted, sincerely. You glared up at him, annoyed with his confidence. He had never been here for one of your birthdays, what did he know? “Bethany told me you act out _The Queen of Amaria_ every year on your birthday in the Great Dining Hall,” he confessed. You huffed in frustration, though you weren’t quite sure what at. Were you upset Bethany had told him or that you had forgotten to expect Bethany to tell him?

He stared at you pointedly as you let your eyes reluctantly meet his. Throwing your hands down, you admitted the claim in defeat. “That’s just a childhood tradition that hasn’t died out yet,” you explained. You didn’t want to celebrate your birthday. Your mother had always made a point to ignore it, and eventually, it just became easier if you did too. By now, it was almost a tradition in itself to pretend it was, in fact, just another day.

Alexander considered you sadly for a few moments. Then he finally sighed. “Will you please let me celebrate with you?” he asked, his eyes begging you. But he could see in your eyes how hesitant you were, so he scrambled to offer an alternative. “At least just accept my present,” he offered, pushing the papers towards you.

You wished to decline, but he had seemed so excited to bring you up here and show you what he now held in his hands. It didn’t seem like he spent any of his precious and closely monitored money on you, which would have made you feel even more guilty. You considered the options, and finally gritted your teeth. Curiosity won.

Slowly, you padded up to Alexander and delicately took the papers into your hands. Your eyes met Alexander’s as he held his breath and you slowly lowered them to the top page on the stack. The papers looked and felt as if they had been religiously gone through; the discoloration of them made them a yellowish tint. In the center of the top page, in neat, black, bold print was the title.

_Immortal Until the Day We Die: Stories and Essays by Rachel Buck_

You stared at the words, unable to comprehend them for the longest time. Your mouth hung open as you tried to ask the thousands of questions running through your mind. Eventually, you wordlessly caught Alexander’s amused eyes with your wide ones. Trying to form a question, he stopped you gently.

“Your copy looks well worn, and the bookmark is in a different area of it every time I’m in your room, so I assumed you were a fan,” he explained sheepishly. You looked back down at the papers in your hands.

“I am,” you confirmed, breathlessly. Rachel Buck had been your favorite novelist and essayist since you were a child. Her hidden themes dangerously paralleled your mother’s regime, but it never prevented her from continuing to publish. _Immortal Until the Day We Die_ remained your favorite book for many years: it was the perfect blend of Buck’s essays into her captivating stories. The copy you held in your hands had to been one of the first published, before the presses eventually picked it up and produced it more modernly.

You grazed your hand over the top page of the book in wonder. “This was my mother’s copy,” he supplied softly. Your eyes looked up at him widely, about to protest, but he held his hands up in defense. “She would want you to have it, Y/N,” he insisted, not allowing you to give back the gift.

Gazing back down that the invaluable gift, you wondered wistfully, “Your mother must have been one of the first people to own this book.”

Alexander gave a short, uncomfortable laugh. “Yeah, something like that,” he admitted bashfully. You shot your eyes up to his, furrowing your eyebrows. He avoid your eyes by staring at the book and clearing his throat. “Uh, this is actually the original copy of _Immortal_ ,” he explained, cheeks beginning to grow warm.

Every function in your body grinded to a stop. You’re surprised you didn’t drop the book right then and there. All of Rachel Buck’s originals had disappeared with her. There were hundreds of people who were willing to pay thousands of gold pieces for any of them that surfaced. Many tried to pawn off their early copies as the original, but it was said Buck wrote notes all over the inside of her copies, and that wasn’t easy to forge.

Swallowing thickly, you warily glanced back down at the book as your trembling hand flipped open to a random page. You let out an uncontrollable sob as you recognized the swoopy handwriting. It was here, in your hands. The object historians had searched desperately for for almost ten years now had just been handed to you.

Your eyes narrowed as you noticed a different, vaguely familiar handwriting in between Buck’s. Staring at it a little longer, your breath caught in your throat as you recognized the writing.

Scanning Alexander’s face with disbelief and mouth hung open, he let you fight for your question. “Did you write in this?” you finally asked incredulously. He smiled sheepishly, and your eyes widened. He wasn’t prepared for the anger that spewed from your lips next. “Alexander, this is invaluable. You know that right? You may have just ruined an artifact from one of the greatest authors in history. How could you-” Your words stuck in your stomach as your eyes drifted back down to where his handwriting intertwined with Buck’s.

But instead of treating his actions as seriously as you wished him to, Alexander merely chuckled at your reaction. You glared back up at him, but he softly held his hands up in defense with an amused smile. “Y/N, Y/N,” he tried to plead, but the smile still infected his voice. “She asked me to,” he explained simply.

Thousands of questions ran through your mind, but only one made it to the surface. “Who?” you demanded.

“My mother,” he responded softly. But he didn’t give you enough time to question the statement. “Rachel Buck.”

Your hands quickly shoved the book back into Alexander’s hands unconsciously as you turned around and took a few steps away. Air, you needed air. You were outside, how much more air could you get, you chided yourself. Your hands found their way to your forehead as you tried to focus on the information that was just presented to you.

Alexander was Rachel Buck’s son. Rachel Buck was Alexander’s mother. Your love interest was the spawn of the woman you looked up to and aspired to be every day for thirteen years. The woman who inspired you and kept you fighting every day raised the boy you were falling for. All of your thoughts spun in an endless loop.

A laugh escaped your lips as you shook your head. Slowly, you turned around and met Alexander’s mildly frightened eyes. Of course he was her son. From his attitude, to his views, to his writing style, the similarities were uncanny; you were honestly surprised you hadn’t noticed it before now. He was the embodiment of her, and he had offered you her: her book, her notes, her thoughts, himself.

Without saying a word, you walked back over to Alexander; he opened his mouth to say something, but you quickly cut him off by pressing your lips hard against his and digging your fingers in his hair. After a brief moment of being stunned, Alexander quickly reciprocated the kiss until you pulled away with tears brimming in your eyes.

Placing your hands gently on top of the book he still held, you looked up at him regretfully. “Thank you, Alexander,” you whispered. “Thank you for offering this–this incredible gift, but I cannot accept it.” The words came out with a bit of remorse, but his mother wasn’t for you. Your eyes averted from his and stared longingly at the sought after publication.

Two soft fingers touched lightly under your chin and gently pulled it upwards until your eyes met once again. “I wasn’t lying when I said she would want you to have it,” he insisted, holding the book out to you with sincerity. “She told me to write all my thoughts, opinions and ideas down in it, as I could improve and use everything she had written from a different perspective, and then pass it on to the next great mind that could surpass both of us.”

You could only hear the sound of your heart beating as you stared at Alexander with trepidation. “That’s a lot of pressure,” you tried to joke lightheartedly, but your face remained pensive as you bit your lip and considered the book being handed out to you. “Are you sure you want to give it to me?” you finally asked nervously. “You live with Lady Aremine now. You’re in meetings and walking by some of the greatest minds of our time every week. Surely one of them could-”

“Y/N, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. If I’m ever to pass on my mother’s original copies, the only person I would trust with them is you. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you are single-handedly the greatest mind of our time. The things you could add to this book, from your personal experience, to infiltrating Lady Aremine, to your overall intellect and perception, are endless. You have to accept this gift. It would be an injustice to my mother if you refused,” he urged you, in a passionate speech with every word calculated.

You stared at him helplessly, his speech rendering you incapable of forming a sentence. Your cheeks burned bright red from the onslaught of confidence in you. For a moment, you tried to let yourself believe the words he spoke, but quickly you rushed the thought out of your head. You only did what you had to. You weren’t trying to be the greatest; you just wanted to be free of your guilty conscious granted to you by your mother. But Alexander’s eyes remained unwavering. Clenching your eyes shut and letting out a sigh, you finally cracked.

“Okay,” you whispered. “If you’re sure… then okay.” He beamed and wrapped you in a tight hug as you let out a little laugh. Then the book was once again passed to you and you held it as if it were the most precious object in the world–for technically, it might be. Your eyes met Alexander’s and held them. “I will protect this with my life,” you promised.

He smiled softly. “I know you will,” he assured you. After a beat of silence, he threw his arm around your shoulder and gently began to lead you back down the steps as you marveled through the first page of notes. Pure joy elicited itself from his eyes as he watched your appreciation for his mother’s words. “Can I join your reenactment of _The Queen of Amaria_ tonight?” he asked suddenly, tearing your thoughts from the page.

You looked up at him and surprise, and softened your eyes. “Of course,” you replied, offering a smile. He wrapped you in a hug before you exited the staircase and reentered the real world.

“Happy birthday, Y/N,” he mumbled softly into your hair. Goosebumps covered your skin as you sighed blissfully in response. Alexander had single-handedly restored happiness to your birthday.

You were incredibly screwed by how much you felt for this boy.

It was a couple weeks after you birthday you finally worked up the nerve to sit down with the original copy of _Immortal_ , pen in hand. You had scoured through all the notes of the book at least four times by now, but you were simply to scared to pen down any of your thoughts. Alexander could think what he wanted, but your insights were nothing compared to what his mother had come up with.

You stared at a seemingly easy passage to write on and groaned in frustration as your pen didn’t move. Concentrating on the task at hand, you seemingly missed the sound of your door opening and closing quietly.

“Have you filled it to the brim with your ideas yet?” Alexander’s voice infiltrated the room, making you jump. He laughed amused at your reaction as he made his way over to you. Your cheeks pinked as he looked over your shoulder to observe what you had been writing. Noticing the lack of your handwriting on the page, he flipped back a page, and then another, trying to locate your familiar handwriting. When he looked down at you, he noticed the embarrassed expression on your face and the underappreciated pen in your hand. “Have you written anything?” he asked softly, a kind understanding in his voice as you hid your face in your hands.

You were silent for awhile and then glanced up at him pleadingly. “It doesn’t matter how long I stare at it, I can’t think of anything to write that won’t sound illiterate,” you confessed ashamed. He offered you a comforting smile as he stooped down to your level.

“Y/N, you won’t sound illiterate. This is just your opinions, your views. They could be completely different, add on to, or support anything that’s already written in here. Don’t stress about it,” he consoled you. Taking your hand in his, he squeezed it gently, and you shot him a grateful smile.

“Thank you. I’ll try again later,” you promised, kissing his knuckles and setting your pen down on the desk beside the book. Then you both stood as you led him over to the place you both unofficially deemed your spot for catching up for the day: the bay window. Both of you curled up facing each other and began discussing the events of the past few days.

A short lull entered the conversation, as most of your activities had been discussed, before Alexander impulsively tried to fill it.

“Y/N, have you heard of the Choice Hierarchy?”

Your heart immediately lurched to a stop as you felt the blood drain from your face.

Alexander stared at you expectantly as you tried to form a simple response, but your mouth was too dry to accomplish any task you set before it. Your heart thudded loudly in your chest as you tried to calm yourself down. Maybe this wasn’t as big of a deal as you immediately perceived it to be, you reasoned with yourself. Maybe Alexander had just heard of the Choice Hierarchy and was inquiring if you knew what it was.

Swallowing thickly and taking a shuddering deep breath, you managed to squeak out a word with hardly any panic in it. “Yeah,” you tried to play off nonchalantly. Immediately, however, you knew you said the wrong answer.

Alexander’s face quickly became stone cold, and he retreated ever so slightly from your touch. “You have?” he asked in disbelief, and you cringed at the anger and disappointment that laced his voice. What were you thinking? You should have just told him you hadn’t heard of it. Of course he was angry now. Your body began shaking trying to think of any excuse to get you out of this mess, but coming up short, you instead nodded your head and lowered your eyes to your fidgeting hands.

The air was a tense silence for several moments. You could feel the tears building in the back of your eyes, but held them back through sheer will.

Finally, Alexander attempted to interrupt the quiet. “Why haven’t you-“

Unable to handle hearing the end of his question, you forcibly pushed yourself out of the window seat and stood with your back to him, your hands flying up to hold your head. “I don’t want to talk about it,” you called out, clearly upset and wishing the issue could just be dropped. But anyone who knew Alexander in the slightest knew that that was an impossibility.

“No,” Alexander retorted angrily. “We are talking about this, Y/N.”

“Alexander-“

“The Choice Hierarchy allows someone of older and nobler blood to override a Choice,” Alexander reiterated what you were already aware of with desperation in his voice. “It even restores the Choice of the other girl.” He let the words hang in the air as he waited for a response, which you weren’t too keen to give at the moment.

With a shaky breath, you attempted to reason with him. “It’s a really outdated practice. It’s seen as taboo anymore,” you forced out lightly, still keeping your back to Alexander. If you could wish for anything in your entire life, it would be for him to just drop this. Drop this before you hurt him.

“Have you considered it?” he demanded, ignoring your information.

You hesitated. “Yes,” you eventually admitted, cringing. A single tear emitted itself from your eye, and you knew it wouldn’t be the first to fall today.

“Why didn’t you talk it over with me?” Alexander asked, becoming increasingly frustrated.

Determinedly, you turned around and looked him straight in the eye. You knew he deserved to see you when you told him. “Because I can’t, so it doesn’t matter,” you admitted, more tears maring your cheeks as he looked visibly slapped by your words.

He observed you, slightly stunned, for several moments before he gritted his teeth and you saw the fire flash behind the tears building in his eyes. “Why can’t you?” he growled clenching his fist. You flinched at his anger. “Is it because of your mother?” You let out a little scoff at this and shook your head, which may have increased his anger. “Is it because of Bethany?”

You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to take a deep breath. “No, Alexander,” you gritted at him, pleading.

“Then what is it?” he all but screamed.

Your eyes flew open and met his. Holding his eyes, you considered him for a few moments. Eventually, with a sigh, you relented. “John,” you admitted, defeated.

A strange expression washed over Alexander’s face as he processed through your answer. You bit your lip and endured the streams leaving your eyes as you watched him become increasingly dismayed and withdraw from you. A few tears escaped his own eyes as he considered you for a long while; you waited tensely for what he would say. But instead of voicing any of the thousands of words running through his mind, he silently began walking to the door purposefully.

You felt your chest cave in as you realized he was leaving you; he couldn’t leave you. Quickly you ran after him and grabbed his forearm tightly. He stopped with a huff and turned to meet you with an unemotional face.

“Please, Alexander,” you pleaded with him. “Please understand that I want to. I want to Choose you. I want you, us. I just, I can’t, and-“

He cut you off by gently removing your hand from his arm and staring at you hard. “If you’re hoping for John, how much of an ‘us’ exists for you to want?” You bit your cheeks at the blow and watched Alexander turn and exit the room silently.

As the door closed, you collapsed to your knees and buried your face in your hands. After a beat of trying to hold it in, you let out your uncontrollable sobs. You didn’t realize Alexander was looking for ways the two of you could actually be together; you didn’t realize you had been misleading by assuming he assumed it was an impossibility. How had you made this such a colossal mess?

Alexander pointedly avoided you for the two days following your half-confession. You knew he wouldn’t be as mad at you if you had just told him the whole truth. But you didn’t want to admit it out loud. It would make the pain too real to acknowledge John’s role in your relationship with Alexander. So you let him believe what he wanted and coped by endlessly sulking in your room.

By the third day of being ignored, you were ready to just not get out of bed. You zoned out more regularly and accomplished almost no work. In the afternoon, you found yourself staring aimlessly outside your bay window at the rain; briefly you considered going up to the roof and just lying in the precipitation so you couldn’t feel the tears run down your face anymore.

You sighed, frustrated and exhausted from being upset for so long, when movement caught your eye outside. Squinting, you could make out through the blurry windowpanes that a carriage was making its way up the drive. You sat up and watched as the vehicle closed in on your manor. A breath caught in your throat as you recognized the Burr crest on the side of the coach. In a split second decision, you flew from the window and snatched the paper that had been sitting on your desk for the past three days now as you made your way determinedly out of your bedroom door.

You made it to the entrance of the manor as Lady Burr and Theodosia exited the downpour for your foyer. One of your mother’s assistants stood waiting and greeted them pleasantly. Making your presence known, you walked up to them forcing a light hearted expression on your face. All three pairs of eyes trained on you in harmonic confusion.

“Welcome, Lady Burr,” you acknowledged. “May I borrow your assistant?” You pointedly glanced over at Theodosia who was fighting to keep a neutral face, but truly wished to know the nature behind your ambush. Lady Burr gave a hesitating side glance towards your friend, which you quickly worked to assuage. “It’ll only be for a few short moments.”

Relief washed through you as the Lady gave a short nod, and you quickly grasped Theodosia’s arm and dragged her to a side room, shutting the door behind you.

“Y/N, what’s going on? Did something catastrophic happen with CP or-“

You regretfully had to quickly cut off her concern by shoving the piece of paper you were holding in her hands. “Is this real?” you asked, your voice cracking slightly.

Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she unfolded the paper and gazed over the words. She froze and looked up at your desperate eyes in concern. “We’re having this conversation now?” she demanded, her voice laced with frustration and confusion. You bit your lip and begged. “Y/N, I expected this conversation almost three years ago, not now. Surely you know.” Theodosia struggled with trying to be sympathetic and comforting and hiding her anguish at having to be silent on the matter for years.

“I just need to hear it from you,” you confessed, tears filling your eyes.

She sighed and considered you. “Why now?” she demanded.

“Please, Theodosia,” you begged her again.

After a beat of silence, she handed the paper back to you. “Of course it’s real,” she confirmed, and you felt punched in the gut. “Not only that, but our field operatives saw him die themselves. You know, Philip and I had a whole speech prepared for you. We thought we’d all cope together, as we were all friends. But you left us behind.”

Tears emitted themselves from your eyes as Theodosia gritted back the tears. “I’m so sorry,” you managed to mumble, completely stunned at her friends confession. You had been so wrapped up in your own feelings when you had received the letter; you hadn’t even stopped to think how your friends were feeling. They lost John too.

With a sigh, she gently rested her hand on your cheek. “I know,” she whispered. “We forgave you years ago.” She wrapped you tightly in a hug as you tried not to completely unravel. When you both pulled back, you wiped the tears from your cheek as she spoke again. “What brought this on now, Y/N?” Theodosia inquired again softly. But you shook your head with a sarcastic laugh towards yourself.

“It’s not important,” you replied. “Be careful on your journey next week.” The words came out mumbled in a desperate attempt for your friend to forget her question. By the look on her face, she looked like she was about to protest, but something in her convinced her it wasn’t worth it. Instead she nodded slightly, squeezed your hand comfortingly, and exited the room to rejoin her Lady. You remained the room numb for several minutes.

Eventually, your feet carried you on autopilot back to your room, clutching John’s letter desperately. When you turned the hall to your room, you stopped short at the sight of Alexander walking towards you. He also stopped, and the two of you were at a standstill. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days, which you were sure was exactly the look you were sporting.

Alexander quickly broke the silence, however. “I was too harsh and forward, I’m sorry, Y/N,” he confessed, the words piling out of his mouth. “It was wrong of me to assume you wanted to Choose me, and I completely respect your feelings.” Instead of responding, however, you broke down sobbing.

Frightened, Alexander quickly made his way over to you and held you gently, trying to think of anything to say. But he was at a complete loss on the whole situation.

With shuddering breaths, you tried to calm yourself down enough to speak. “John’s dead,” you sobbed when you were able. Alexander stared at you confused, as he thought you had already known this, but you shook your head hysterically. “I mean really dead. No doubt about it. And I- Alexander, I did something so awful.” You buried face in his chest to continue crying. But he eventually pulled you away from his body and looked at you concerned.

“Y/N, what did you do?” he asked calmly, his comforting eyes searching your face for anything that could help soothe you.

You tried to hold it in; you had held it in for so long. Not a single person beside yourself knew, and it had to be better off that way. But the concern in Alexander’s eyes, the support of his hands softly pressed on his shoulders, and confirmation of what you knew all this time, you shuddered unable to bear the burden alone any longer.

“I Chose him,” you confessed with a loud sob, you hand immediately covering your mouth as you felt Alexander’s hands leave your shoulders. You watched as he unconsciously took a step away from you, trying to comprehend your words, or maybe un-hear them.

His eyes clouded over as he attempted to think of anything to say. The seconds seemed to drag on waiting for him to say something, anything.

“When?” he finally asked with a shaky voice.

Removing your hand from your mouth, you clutched it tightly against your chest. “The day he left for the war,” you disclosed quietly. “I- I thought it would bring him back to me. And I was so young and desperate and in love, I didn’t care if it didn’t. I would live out my days being bound to him.” Your voice cracked, tears spilling onto your face. “But now all I can think of when I think of him is how disappointed he would be in me. All he wanted from me was to move on and be happy, and I can’t do even that.” You buried your face in your palms and once again began crying.

Softly you heard him pad over to you and wrap you in his arms. “He’s not disappointed in you,” he murmured as he stroked your hair. “And neither am I. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I- I didn’t know you were dealing with this, or I wouldn’t have pushed the subject. You’re not stupid; you haven’t done anything awful. And absolutely none of this changes the way I feel about you.” You pulled back from him surprised, connecting your wide swollen eyes with his sincere ones with a bit of a question. “I am not going to leave you, Y/N,” he promised, and you felt every muscle in your body relax with relief.

Impulsively, you threw your arms around his neck and gently pressed your lips against his. His arms tightened around your waist, and pulled you flush against his body as he passionately returned the kiss. Both of you then settled into a tight hug, you squeezing your eyes and hooking your chin around his shoulder. You let out a shuddering breath, relieved to be lifted slightly from your mistake.

But when you opened your eyes, you froze, noticing a figure watching you down the hall. Ungracefully removing yourself from Alexander’s embrace, you stepped to the side of him and let your shoulders fall recognizing the person who now knew of your relationship.

Your hands began shaking as you called out, “Father?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get it? You thought all along the title of this piece was a play on words referencing the traditions of this society, but actually the title is referencing the fact that she literally does not have her Choice *laughs awkwardly*. Pls don’t hate me.


	11. But Do We Choose Our Lovers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have risen from the dead! (And by dead I mean engineering classes). (I'm also going to blame engineering classes for this chapter being poorer quality than usual.)

Alexander stiffened beside you as you both took an unconscious step away from each other. Your stomach began turning as the figure at the end of the hallway remained unresponsive. 

With a shaky breath, you began walking towards the man at the other end of the hallway, but to your dismay, his eyes didn’t follow you. They remained locked on Alexander.

Still staring with an unreadable expression down the hall when you reached him, you gently laid your hands on his arms, your eyes pleading for his to meet yours. Startled by the contact, his eyes shot down to yours, this time with an emotion flooding them: betrayal.

You forced yourself not to flinch from the expression. “I- I can explain,” you whispered, but the words came out more forced than as an offer.

Your father’s eyes barely considered yours as they flicked back to Alexander. Instinctively, you glanced back at him as well and swallowed thickly as you noticed his petrified expression. Taking a deep breath you closed your eyes and forced yourself to focus, fighting against your entire body’s instinct to panic. Anyone could walk down this hall right now and while they probably wouldn’t be able to draw any exact conclusions from the scene at hand, you couldn’t afford any rumors to fly. Because it only took so long for rumors to morph into the truth.

“Right, okay, we’re leaving,” you gritted, tightening your right hand on your father’s arm and pulling him down the hall away from Alexander, silently hoping Alexander would have the common sense not to follow you. Your father moved without comment, but then again he hardly ever had a comment. You dragged him through the manor until you reached his office, a recluse room as far away from your mother’s as it could be.

Once you were inside, you let go of his arm and quickly shut the door. Even though you had released him, he hadn’t moved from your side and you could still feel his presence as you stared at the door, hesitating to turn around. Biting your cheek to keep the tears building behind your eyes at bay, you tried to take a deep breath, waiting for your father to say something--anything. But when he remained silent, you decided to speak up.

“It’s not what you think,” you weakly reasoned, still facing your back towards him. But he still had nothing to say, so you turned around. He was staring at you, observing you, trying to piece together what was happening, and his eyes… his eyes looked as if they were trying to recognize the person standing in front of him. A tear fell onto your cheek.

You both stood there, staring at each other as the beats passed, but you refused to break the silence this time. And eventually, your father relented.

“I always thought you’d do better. But that boy is just your mother,” he confessed softly. There was no accusation in his voice, just disappointment as he turned from you and made his way towards his desk.

You stood stunned for a few seconds, trying to comprehend what your father just said. “He’s not Aremine,” you said simply, still in disbelief he would ever make the comparison. When your father refused to acknowledge your statement, you clenched your fist and gritted your teeth. “He’s _not_. He’s kind, and caring, and is actively working with us against her. If you read his papers, heard his ideas, you would like him, Father. I know you would.” You paused and waited for your father to respond, or even just look at you. But when he still ignored you, you became desperate. “I know what we’re doing is wrong, okay? I know how much it will hurt Bethany, and I don’t have an excuse. But we are not the mistakes of those who came before us. And I- I have it under control.” Your father’s eyes shot up to yours in an accusatory disbelief, so you doubled down on your statement. “I do. And when the time comes, I’ll end things between Alexander and I. Before anyone else finds out, and before Bethany is hurt. We both went into the relationship knowing there was an expiration date, so I promise… when the time comes, it’ll end.”

Your father stared at you, his expression softening ever so slightly, and you allowed yourself to let out a breath of relief. He still wasn’t happy with you, but his eyes conveyed that he would try to be understanding, and you supposed that’s all you could ask for.

Knowing you wouldn’t get any more conversation on the subject from your father, you turned dutifully to leave, but hesitated. Turning back to him slowly, you said in a steady voice, “Do I have your word you won’t speak of what you saw to anyone?” Your father met your eyes with a sort of regret in them, but relented a small nod. Satisfied, you left the room promptly, still shaking from the encounter.

When you had retreated all the way back to your hall, your skin became clammy noticing two people whispering seriously at the end of the hall. You stopped walking when Alexander’s eyes glanced over to yours and held them. The figure with him turned around, noticing his gaze, and you swallowed thickly when you recognized Bethany’s grim expression.

Briefly turning back and whispering something to Alexander, Bethany then turned and tried to confidently approach you in the hallway. Your feet felt cemented to the floor, at an utter loss as to why Bethany was looking at you so.

“Y/N,” Bethany greeted with a half attempted smile. “I was just looking for you, and Alexander was just telling me how you went to visit father this morning.”

“I’m back now,” you responded lamely, wishing Bethany didn’t have to always put up this pretense before she delivered bad news.

She grimaced at your response and clenched her eyes trying to compose herself. “Right, um…” she tried to begin, but she struggled to form the words. “I was looking for you because, well,” her sentence trailed off as she avoided your eyes.

“Bethany,” you leveled, needing to know what had your sister so worked up. “Whatever it is, you can just tell me,” you promised, holding your breath.

“Mother’s insisting I accompany her to the Summit this year instead of you,” she finally blurted out, and cringed waiting for your response.

Your face remained blank as you processed the words. Remaining unperturbed, your eyes met Bethany’s fearful ones. “Is that all?” you asked, relieved. Bethany furrowed her eyebrows at your response. “The Summit would be a good experience for you. Don’t let Lady Bryke pull the fountain prank on you, however. You only make that mistake once.” You flashed your dumbfounded sister a small smile and tousled her hair as you began to walk past her.

Seemingly catching up to your response in her head, Bethany ran to cut you off before entering your room. “You’re not mad?” she asked breathless. “Because this really is supposed to be a trip for the next in line, and I don’t know why mother would want me to go instead, and I won’t if you don’t want me to-”

“Whoa whoa, slow down, Bethie,” you stopped her with a gentle laugh. You noticed her expression flash to a brief state of nostalgia and pain upon hearing your childhood nickname for her, but you chose not to dwell on it. “I’ve already been to two Summits. It’s your turn.”

Bethany considered you for a brief instant before tackling you in a hug. “Thank you, Y/N!” she cried, and then she was gone, sprinting away surely to begin packing her things, leaving you once again in the hallway with Alexander. Sighing, you gestured for him to join you in your room.

Once the door was closed, he spoke. “How did things with your father go?” he asked, with a bit of shame in his voice.

You thought about the barely conversation you had with your father, and shook your head, not willing to go into details. “He’s not going to tell anyone,” you disclosed, figuring that was the only information of value to offer Alexander.

Alexander nodded, and moved on to the topic that was clearly bothering him. “How could you just… let her take your spot?” he inquired, obviously attempting to keep the judgement from his voice, and yet still failing.

You sighed, knowing Alexander would take issue with it. “It’s not Bethany’s fault. And I have to choose my battles. I led the last sector meeting, so it makes sense she would retaliate by taking Bethany to the Summit.”

“The Summit is not a sector meeting, Y/N,” Alexander tried to reason with you. “It’s a three month strategy meeting with all of your sector’s allies. It’s much bigger than some meeting at your estate.”

“Alexander, I’ll not here more on the subject. If I don’t go to the Summit, then I can still run CP here while Philip and Theodosia are still in Dmere. And if everything goes well with the Dmere meeting, the Summit will essentially be worthless to me anyways,” you explained, trying to calm Alexander down. Because something in his attitude was scaring you, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it.

You could see from the fire in his eyes he was still going to fight you on this, so you braced yourself for whatever he was about to say.

“But it’s like Aremine is trying to undermine your progress--replace you as her heir in the eyes of her allies.”

You opened your mouth to respond, but instead you closed your eyes and sighed at his words. Forcing a smile on your face, you placed a light kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you for always fighting for me, Alexander. But you just need to trust me on this one, okay?” you asked quietly. Noting your suddenly quiet reserve, he nodded slowly.

Both of you stood silently for a few more moment before Alexander finally broke the silence. “I- I have my walk with Bethany. I have to-”

“Go,” you commanded with a light smile. His face searched yours briefly for another second, and then gave a curt nod and dutifully left. You let out a loud sigh as you watched the door close behind him. The conversation playing and replaying over and over again in your mind.

Two substantial problems presented themselves in your most recent interaction with Alexander.

The first was he was beginning to choose you without reasoning in every situation over Bethany.

The second was he presented you with the solution to your promise to find your sector a new leader.

And unfortunately for you, those two problems created a third problem of itself: you could only solve one or the other.

###### 

A week passed and you were grateful Alexander had relented on the subject of allowing Bethany to attend the Summit… though part of you assumed he was only being so amicable about it because he realized Bethany and your mother leaving for three months left the two of you with three months to yourselves.

And you felt terrible to also be excited about that. You never wanted to be the sister who pushed her younger sister away. You never wanted to be the sister who began secretly dating her younger sister’s Choice. And you definitely never wanted to be the sister who looked forward to her younger sister’s departure so she could commit adultery easier.

Sighing, you buried your hands in your head at your desk, wondering who exactly you’d become when you met Alexander. Your mind flashed back to your father not recognizing you after catching you with Alexander and you bit your lip to keep the tears from building. In the moment, you hadn’t understood, but now. Sitting here in what felt like someone else’s life and bad decisions, a part of yourself didn’t recognize you either.

“Y/N?” A voice came softly from your doorway. Shooting up and taking a breath before forcing a smile on your face, you turned to face Alexander. “They’ll be departing soon,” he announced gently. You nodded, and quickly gathered the papers on your desk into a neat pile. With a deep breath, you smiled and made your way towards the door to say goodbye to Bethany together.

Bethany tackled you as soon as you turned the corner. When she released you, she went straight to Alexander. He held her tightly and whispered something softly to her. A prick of something hit your skin, but ignored it as you watched Bethany pull away from her fiance and turn towards you.

“Watch out for him while I’m gone?” she asked you, half playful, knowing Alexander had only lived in the palace for less than a year and was sure to still be rather uncomfortable by himself for three months.

You swallowed thickly as your eyes met Alexanders. “I think I can manage that,” you finally responded with a strained smile. You looked up at Alexander with a meaningful glance and cleared your throat. “Do you think I could get a moment alone with me sister?” you asked dutifully, and he glanced at Bethany and then back at you before nodding shortly and walking away.

Recognizing the expression on your face, Bethany’s face fell slightly. “Y/N? What is it?” she asked concerned, and you took a deep breath, gave her a pained smile and guided her to sit with you for a moment.

“I have something I should have told you a long time ago, I just… never could find it in me,” you began describing, avoiding Bethany’s concerned eyes and furrowed eyebrows. “I need you to understand--before I tell you--that I never told you to protect you.” Bethany began to protest, surely to state that she didn’t need you protecting her, but you held up a hand to silence her and wait for you to finish. “I know you think you don’t need protecting. And I’m going to start trying to not be so… overbearing. That’s why I’m telling you now.”

Bethany relaxed slightly at this and nodded that she was ready for you to continue.

You fidgeted with your hands for a second, but finally met Bethany’s eyes. “John died in the war,” you managed to breathe out.

Your sister stared at you dumbfounded, unconsciously shaking her head. “What- What are you talking about, Y/N?”

Gritting your teeth, you pushed yourself to continue. “I received word two years ago that he had been shot and killed in battle,” you explained, tears threatening to break loose from your eyes as you resumed avoiding eye contact.

From the corner of your eye, you noticed Bethany begin to shake her head. “No that’s- Oh Y/N, I’m so sorry,” she comforted at a loss for other words, and wrapped you in a tight hug. A few tears slipped from your eyes as Bethany whispered into your ear, “I’m sorry you felt like you needed to protect me from your grief. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

You let out a small laugh as she pulled away from you, and your hand gently grazed her cheek. “You never did anything wrong, Bethany. Old habits just die hard for me,” you explained through your tears, and you noticed at some point she had begun crying as well.

After a moment of silence, she spoke again. “Did Mother tell you?” she asked softly.

You stiffened. “No. And she doesn’t know I know,” you disclosed pointedly, become serious enough to get your point across. Bethany was taken aback by your statement.

“Then how-”

“I can’t tell you how Bethany. I just need you to trust me,” you cut her off with a rueful smile. Your sister opened her mouth to speak again, but eventually settled on just accepting your trust and nodding. “I’m telling you now because you’re going to a three month conference on the war that killed John. And you cannot speak any opinion on this war that is not our mother’s. Do you understand me?”

“But Y/N-”

You cut her off again. “I want you to form an opinion of your own. And I want you to cultivate it among those that are constructing the war at the Summit. But I need you to be safe, and I need you to promise me you will never speak your opinion at the Summit.”

So many questions ran through Bethany’s eyes that you couldn’t answer now without putting her in more danger. So instead you kissed her forehead and wrapped her in a tight hug. “We’ll speak after the Summit, okay? After you return from the Summit and we have the ball, we’ll talk,” you offered as a compromise.

Still staring at you unsure of what to make of your conversation, she finally nodded. “O-Okay. I trust you, Y/N,” she whispered shakily. 

A presence came up on the two of you, and you both looked up teary eyed to Alexander. He had a questioning glint in his eyes, but respected it wasn’t his place to inquire about their conversation.

“They’re all waiting for you, Bethany,” he announced softly, and she nodded, and quickly threw her arms around you for one last hug before she got up and walked away with Alexander.

Standing up slowly, you worked your way through the household staff to the front of the entryway to see your mother and sister pile into the carriage. Alexander was down at the carriage speaking to Bethany softly. She lightly placed her hands on his cheeks and left him with a gentle kiss, before he pulled away and closed the carriage door.

Alexander stood outside the manor and watched as the carriage pulled away down the long lane. It seemed as if all the household staff, including yourself, were holding their breaths as they watched Aremine leave. By the time the carriage was just a speck in the distance, most of the tension in the crowd around you had relaxed and most were looking at you expectantly.

Right, you breathed. They would be looking to you for further instruction, and you knew exactly what you would tell them.

You turned around to face the entire household staff, feeling Alexander’s presence come up behind you. “Okay,” you began shakily as you felt fifty pairs of eyes stare at you. “Enjoy your three months, everyone. I’m sending you all home for paid leave. As it’s just Alexander, my father and I here, and the gardens won’t need tending as winter is almost upon us, I think the three of us can hold up without you all. Thank you for all your service over the years, but I want you all to see your families for once during the holidays.”

It seemed as if everyone were frozen by your words. You smiled triumphantly at their shock, knowing your mother had never given them more than a few days off in their years attending to the manor, and severely docked their pay when she had.

Finally, a maid in the front of the crowd spoke up. “But, ma’am. Won’t your mother find out?” she squeaked, terrified of returning to an angry Aremine, or worse: no job. But you simply gave a comforting smile.

“I won’t tell her if you don’t,” you promised with a small smile. “And I’ve grown up with you, Therese. All of you actually,” you reminded them, and Therese seemed shocked you knew her name at all. “I know you can have this manor looking like none of you ever left in three days. So I don’t want to see most of you until three days before the ball.” You saw a few tears shed throughout the crowd and you could feel the pride radiating off of Alexander from behind you.

“This is wonderful, my lady, but I’m afraid there’s another thing your mother is sure to catch on to,” Gertrude, the household cook spoke up. “She will notice if there’s a bunch of uneaten food that the staff normally eats.” She relayed the news sullenly, and most of the staff sobered up at the announcement.

This bit of news caught you off guard, but you considered it for a moment. “She doesn’t usually let you eat much, right?” you asked for a confirmation, and most of the crowd nodded. Turning to direct your next question specifically at Gertrude, you asked, “About how much food does the staff go through in a week?”

She was taken aback by the question, but then was at a loss. “It’s hard to say, my lady.”

“Would it be close to as much food as a feast for the entire staff and their families every week?” you asked generally.

Once again the crowd froze in shock as Gertrude sputtered for an answer. “I- I would guess, yes, my lady.”

You beamed. “Great! Then you’re all invited to return to the estate every Wednesday evening with your families for a feast. No one is, of course, required to come, but I really want to give back to you all after these years. So if the journey is manageable, and I know it may not be for some of you from further away, please know you’re always welcome,” you announced, and the reaction was immediate. All of the staff began chattering excitedly and you felt warm knowing you had made a direct impact in their lives. “Okay okay,” you called out, having a few more announcements before they departed. They all settled immediately, hanging on your every word. “The annual ball is the day my mother is to return from the Summit, so please plan to return three days before then. If you think you’ll need more than three days, you’re welcome to return early, just send me a notice. I will need to speak to Frederick for some ball plans, Raino for the stables, and Gertrude for the feasts before you leave, but as long as no one else has concerns, you are free to go. I’ll see some of you this Wednesday.”

The crowd quickly dispersed buzzing with thanks and gratitude. Several of your staff fought the crowd forward to shake your hand and thank you personally, to which you tried your best to thank them each by name. And each of them seemed so surprised that over the course of your lifetime you had learned what to call them. It warmed your heart.

The three who were asked to stay behind stood a little was away from you, discussing something with rapture. Before you could approach them, you heard a low whisper in your ear.

“That was incredible, Y/N,” Alexander told you, slightly in awe, and you turned to him with the brightest smile. You wanted to kiss him right there and then, but you knew you had to address the remainders of your staff first.

With a deep breath, you turned from Alexander and approached the trio, who all silenced in admiration upon noticing your presence.

Raino was the first to speak. “I’m willing to stay, ma’am,” he offered earnestly. “The stable are too big of a job for one person who’s never handled them before.”

You sighed, afraid this would be the case. “I wouldn’t ask you to stay if everyone else gets to leave. There must be some way to-”

“Ma’am, I insist. I won’t leave you with the stables,” he demanded. You considered him for a short time, then relented.

“Fine, but your sending for your family and they will spend the three months here with you in the guest house,” you compromised. His eyes went wide as he tried to protest, but you wouldn’t have it. “Raino, you have two sons and wife that want to see you for the holidays, and we have more than enough room for you at the estate. Go, send for them.”

Taking you by surprise, he forcibly wrapped you in a hug. “Thank you, miss. I had you pegged all wrong.” And then with a happy skip he ran to get message to his family.

With a smile you met Gertrude and Frederick’s teary expressions. “I really hate to ask you two this but-”

“We’ll be back promptly every Wednesday morning and leave that evening after the feast,” Gertrude cut you off, and you breathed a sigh of relief at their willingness. “I’ll be able to cook up all the food in that time.”

“And we can hash out details for the ball then too,” Frederick finished. You wrapped them gratefully in a hug and thanked them. “No thank you,” Frederick responded, as he pulled back. “You did some real good today, Lady Y/N.”

You weren’t sure if you would ever be able to wipe the smile off your face. Waving goodbye as you watched the two take their leave, you let out a happy sigh and spun suddenly on Alexander who was observing her with a unmanageable grin. 

“You know, you really ought to-”

Cutting him off by throwing yourself at him and catching his mouth in a kiss, you felt his arms wrap tightly around you as you both thrived in your newfound freedom.

With a soft chuckle he broke away from you. “You know, if you wanted to get me alone, there are easier ways than dismissing your entire staff,” he teased you lightly, and you laughed.

“Yes,” you agreed, allowing a twinkle of a smirk to enter you eyes, “But if I did it any other way would I be able to do this?” you asked as you immediately interlaced your fingers with his, and began dragging him, racing through the halls. You both hollered as you ran, unafraid to make as much noise as you could that you were together and unashamedly so.

When you reached your room, you both breathlessly entered, and his lips trapped yours as soon as you were through the threshold. Drunkenly, you stumbled backwards as he gently guided you until the back of your legs hit your bed. You fell backwards and Alexander gently landed on top of you as your kiss persisted.

The two of you finally pulled back, trying to allow your mind to catch up to the position you were now both in. A light blush seeped into both of your cheeks, knowing this was the most forward either of you had ever been with each other.

You cleared your throat. “We just made out on my bed,” you commented, trying to keep your tone light.

Alexander hummed in agreement. “I think we’re ready,” he playfully announced.

Your cheeks immediately flushed bright red as you sputtered. “Ready?” you inquired nervously. Because you most certainly were not ready if he was implying what you thought he was implying. And yet his impish grin made you think that was just what he wanted you to think.

“Oh yeah, definitely,” he responded, allowing a clear tease into his voice this time, making you suspicious. You quirked your eyebrows in a question, and before you could registered he had moved, you felt a pillow being slammed in your face.

“Pillow fight!” he screamed, as he backed off you on the defensive. You burst out into a hefty laughter curling up on yourself on the bed.

“You’re unbelievable!” you cried out, specifically addressing his misdirection a moment earlier. You looked up at him beaming at you standing on the other end of the bed. Rolling onto your knees, you grabbed another one of your pillows and stood to face him.

He smirked, duly noting how serious you were about to take this. “Okay rules: Only contact is to be made with pillows. This bed is the turf. And it’s not over until one of us begs for mercy.”

“Neither of us are good at following rules, you know,” you taunted him, to which he shot you a playful smirk. Seeing he was seemingly not worried about this fact, however, you shrugged your shoulders. “You’re on,” you challenged, and then you lunged for him.

You aren’t sure how long the fight lasted, just at the end of it, both of you were begging for mercy due to the cramps in your abdomens from the endless laughter throughout the fight. Curled up on the bed together, still laughing, you ran your fingers softly through his hair as he looked up at you, sobering slightly. The sun had began to make its descent in the sky.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” he asked quietly. And the way he said it betrayed he was nervous. And you knew he had been working up the courage to ask you all day. And most of you wanted him to stay more than anything.

But there was a small part of you that fought it.

“I told you we’re terrible at following rules,” you jested lightly, but he saw right through your deflection. His eyes shadowed over at you not giving a direct answer, so you sighed. “Alexander…” you tried to begin explaining, but he sat up seriously and began addressing your hesitation.

“You don’t have to worry about me leaving, because you know I never will, Y/N,” he coaxed you softly, and you clenched your eyes shut. It had taken you months to get over Alexander the last time you slept with him, and you hadn’t even gotten over him, you’d started a relationship with him.

You were sure you would regret it in the future, but present you won out. “Yeah okay,” you finally relented, and he offered you a genuine smile that made your insides flutter.

Gently wrapping you in his arms, he whispered again, “I won’t leave, Y/N.”

And you fought desperately to choke back the tears that were suddenly upon you.

Because how could you tell him that that was exactly what you were afraid of.

###### 

The first month passed quicker than you expected. Much to your dismay, Alexander and you had slipped into a rather comfortable routine.

But of course, how could it be an uncomfortable routine when you got to wake up beside him each and every morning.

What the two of you did together depended on a day to day basis. Some days you would spend hours out in the garden that was turning for the winter. Other days the two of you would stay holed up in the library from dawn to dusk. Every Wednesday he made a trip to the market to visit some friends while you planned for the upcoming ball.

Some days the both of you worked on CP details relentlessly, and he begged to hear you plan for getting a new leader for the sector, but you remained adamant. You kept insisting it was better for only you to know the plan so your mother wouldn’t see it coming. But some days you almost felt like he could tell there was more to it.

Like he could tell you didn’t want anyone, especially him, to see it coming.

But surprisingly, he usually let it go on the days you dedicated to planning for it.

Your favorite days, however, were the days you both sat at the piano and didn’t move for hours. You played the small collection of pieces you knew; Alexander played whatever you requested. As you were learning, Alexander had nearly every song you could imagine memorized. He claims piano was his solace after his mother died, and you held him a little tighter that day.

This day, however, was a special one, because Frederick had insisted to give you this Wednesday off, as you were ahead of planning than you usually were at this time of year. He was instead spending his time milling about the kitchen, which, if it were anyone else, you were sure Gertrude would kick him out immediately.

But you weren’t blind to the way your assistent and cook had grown on each other these past weeks as the only two in the manor. That was possibly the only reason you had relented and allowed Frederick to give you the time off.

So with your newly freed day, both you and Alexander agreed on a piano day.

“Can I- Can I play you something new?” he asked suddenly, as he finished a piece. You looked up at him curiously, as he’d never been shy about playing you anything before. Your head lay in his lap as he played above you, and gently, you smiled.

“I want to hear everything you have to play for me,” you confided. He passed you a grateful smile, but still looked unsure of himself.

Bringing one of his hands to scratch the back of his neck, his shifted anxiously, and you sat up and scooted right beside him, placing a comforting hand on his arm. “I- um- I wrote this song a few years ago,” he admitted bashfully. You shot him an encouraging smile and he let out a shaky breath as he met your eyes. “I just didn’t know then that I was writing it for you.”

You froze at his words and your eyes asked a million questions, but instead of answering any of them, his fingers began to gently glide across the keys. He began singing, his voice a little shaky, but you held on to every word. You began to tremble as you listened to the lyrics and realized he wrote this song for the girl he would fall in love with: _you_.

And that was terrifying in so many ways, but mainly because you’re falling in love with him as well.

There are so many things that are bound to go wrong with your relationship. He was engaged to your sister; you already used your Choice; your mother was a tyrannical witch who would tear you apart and have fun doing it the moment she found out.

But in this moment, none of those things seemed to be important. Because as he finished the song, and met your eyes nervously, you couldn’t find anything to say to him besides forcefully pulling him in for a kiss.

He was you weakness, and you knew that. But for this moment, you allowed yourself to be weak. For this moment, your weakness made you feel invincible.

“Are we interrupting something?”

Both of you shot apart and stared dumbfoundedly at the doorway, where Philip and Theodosia stood with incredibly unimpressed expressions.

Groaning and letting your face fall into your hand, you decided you would no longer kiss Alexander anywhere there wasn’t a padlock on the door.

This was going to be hard to explain your way out of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, we're halfway done!
> 
> If anyone wants to track my progress on this and keep me motivated, please become my writing buddy on NaNoWriMo, as this is my project this month. My user's @haleighza
> 
> And if anyone's curious as to what song I imagined Alexander singing at the end there, it was Hymn for Her by Anchor and Brailles (Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-XPbp7WTxo)


	12. And Now We Sink Back to Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything to say besides I'm sorry this took so long.

“This isn’t-”

You clenched your eyes shut as your throat closed up, panicking to think of anything to say. With a deep breath, you looked back up at your friends desperately asking them to understand the incomprehensible. But instead all you received were looks of disdain and disappointment. You stood up shakily.

“I think we’ve seen enough,” Theodosia commented softly, lowering her eyes and turning to gently grab Philip’s forearm. A slight tug signaled her desire to leave, but her fiance held his ground. “Philip,” she spoke to him softly. “We’ll come back tomorrow.”

His eyes still alight with anger, Philip relented and began to walk out the door. But as he went, he spoke loud enough for you to hear, “Maybe by then they’ll be better prepared to continue lying to us.”

A hot flash coursed through your body at your best friend’s words, and without thinking, you screamed. “How dare you!” Alexander quietly begged you to calm down, but you couldn’t hear him through the blood rushing through your head as you marched over to your friend to confront him.

Almost as if he were expecting such a response, Philip turned to meet you, Theodosia desperately holding him back. A moment later, you felt Alexander’s hands gently rest on your waist, ready to pull you back at a moment’s notice.

Philip’s face held an almost satirical smile as he indignantly shook his head at you. “How dare I?” he asked incredulously. “Look at you, Y/N. Do you even recognize yourself anymore? Or have you always been the kind of person who looked to do the one thing that could destroy everything she ever worked for?”

You lunged without thinking about it and felt strong arms wrap tightly around your waist and swing you away from Philip before you could make contact. Your face was wet from tears you didn’t remember shedding as Alexander turned back to Philip angrily.

“If you want someone to blame, you can blame me, but don’t-”

“Oh I plan to,” Philip cut in before he could finish, and before either you or Theodosia could see it coming, his fist connected with Alexander’s face.

Theodosia was pulling Philip back in an instant and yelling at him to calm down. Alexander reeled back from the punch, but was quick enough to regain his bearings to have enough sense to hold you back from attacking Philip.

“Is this really the side you want to be on in this fight, Y/N?” Philip demanded, his eyes narrowing at yours. “You really want to defend your actions?” He studied you some more as he watched you grit your teeth in anger and taking slow and deliberate breaths in Alexander’s arms. It was almost like he was waiting for you to break, but you remained exactly as you were. Upon realizing you wouldn’t budge, he clenched his teeth and spat, “Bethany Chose him, Y/N!”

As if yelling at you would make you realize it. As if that wasn’t something you thought about every day. As if that had ever been enough to keep you from Alexander.

Your body stilled the comment in the eerie way that made everyone in the room hold their breath as to what your next move would be. Slowly, your hands clenched Alexander’s arms to unwrap yourself. He resisted briefly, but eventually released you when he saw you were insistent.

You took a step towards Philip who was trying not to seem like he was terrified of your demeanor. “You’re right,” you stated cooly, taking another step. “Bethany Chose Alexander.” Anger began filling your voice as you took another step. “My mother Chose my father.” Your fists clenched with another step. “And I Chose John.” 

Philip’s surprise betrayed him in his eyes as his body went limp and you took the final step to place yourself right in front of him. You were silent for a second swallowing your fury and relinquishing yourself to a steady self-hatred.

“So I guess we’re just a family full of Choices that never meant anything.”

Philip opened his mouth to say something, but before he had the chance, you pushed past him and out the door.

###### 

By your estimate, it was a few hours before the door to the roof opened as you expected it to.

You sat stoically at the edge of the roof, staring off into the forest, wondering not for the first time if it had been a mistake to let Alexander convince you to come back. And the more you thought about it, the more you began to feel that everything was a mistake when it came to Alexander. Most of which, to your despair, you realized you didn’t regret.

When the door creaked open, your muscles involuntarily stiffened, but you remained in the position you were in, wondering who they had sent up. Alexander was the easy choice, but you knew your friends wouldn’t allow him to take care of this. This involved John now; it had to be one of the original four. Theodosia would have a light touch to the situation. She would know exactly what to say to manipulate you into whatever feelings they deemed necessary for the intervention. And after the show Philip put on, she would be the most favorable choice.

A sob of relief almost escaped your lips as the person you wanted to talk to most at that moment sat down beside you. Slowly, your eyes drifted over to Philip, who had assumed your position of staring out through the trees. You were lost, and scared, and ashamed, and just like every time you’d been in this state before, your best friend came to your rescue. Gently, you rested your head on his shoulder.

“Do you remember that time John convinced Theodosia to climb all the way up in that tree?” Philip asked quietly, point to a tall tree on the edge of the forest. Your head bobbed on his shoulder. “They got all the way up to the top, and then John got terrified, and it was Theodosia who had to climb down to get me and you up there to coax him down.”

You sniffed, smiling slightly as the memory. “Are you saying I’m stranded up in a tree I was too willing to climb and you’re here to coax me down?”

The vibrations from his chuckle hit your cheek as he shook his head. “No, but that does make me sound better than I am. I was just genuinely bringing up a memory.”

You let out a laugh at this and playfully punched his arm, and he began laughing along with you. The two of you sat there silently, buzzing with amusement for a few moments, before you heard Philip take a sharp intake of air.

“Do you feel like you’re stranded up in a tree you were too willing to climb, Y/N?” he suddenly asked seriously. He glanced down at you with concern in his eyes, and you pretended to not see it. Instead you just stared ahead, and let him come to his own conclusions. “Alexander explained a little. About how you two became each other’s support system after the abduction. Y/N, there’s no way you could have known Bethany was going to Choose him when you fell in love with him.”

Removing your head from his shoulder, you sat up and began pointedly looking the opposite direction of him. “Of course I knew she was going to Choose him. She told me she was going to Choose him. And then he disappeared and she was desperate to magically bring him back, so she did exactly what I did.”

“I don’t-” Philip started, and then he swallowed thickly, knowing his next words weren’t going to be easy for you to hear. “I don’t think this is comparable to you and John.” You gritted your teeth as he tried to gently wade himself through his point. “Bethany was fifteen and had a crush on a boy she saw every time she went to the market and was kidnapped one day; you were seventeen and desperately in love with a boy you had been your entire life who was drafted to the war. I don’t think those two things are comparable; I don’t think you could have known Bethany was going to Choose him when you fell in love. In fact, I’m very certain of that.”

Your jaw began going stiff from how hard you were clenching them, hoping it would somehow hold your tears at bay. “Well, it doesn’t matter does it? Bethany Chose him, and I still engaged him in a relationship. It doesn’t really matter when what happened besides the fact that I am in a relationship with my sister’s Chosen right now,” you rebutted, taking in a shaky breath and finally finding the courage to face Philip again.

“Of course it matters when what happened. Once you have feelings for someone, you can’t just stop. Even if your sister does cut in and Choose him,” Philip argued calmly.

“Stop trying to defend me!” you suddenly burst out, taking Philip by surprise. “I thought you were the one against me defending myself! Just say I’m an awful person, we both know it,” you challenged, staring him down. But he didn’t relent.

“I’m not trying to defend you; I’m trying to understand you. Yes, dating your sister’s Choice behind her back is a terrible thing to do. And I am judging you for it. And I am angry at you for it. But I’m not angry at you for falling in love,” Philip reasoned sincerely. You clenched your teeth again and stared out to the forest.

After a beat of silence, you finally found you could talk without breaking down. “Stop saying I love him,” you whispered. Of course you had thought it, but you had never voiced it outloud. Hearing it outloud, in the open, where other people could hear it too made it too real. It made it too tangible.

“Don’t you?” Philip inquired, a knowing look on his face. He had seen you through all the years you were with John. He had plenty of time to memorize what you looked like in love. You knew he knew. But you still couldn’t confirm it.

Instead, you answered steadily, “That’s irrelevant, isn’t it?”

Philip studied you for a long time, and eventually sighed and wrapped his arm around you, pulling back in to lean on him. “Not at all, Y/N,” he chided, but he seemed to be comfortable with dropping the subject.

After several minutes of silence, you needed to briefly take your mind off things. “How’d your trip to Dmere go?” you asked quietly. Philip chuckled slightly against you.

“That’s actually what we came here to tell you when we got distracted,” he informed you, and you bit your cheek to keep a soft smile from appearing, though no one could see it at the moment. “I don’t know how, but it was a success. They’ve agreed to give us a year and a half of ceasefire in exchange for a new ruler.”

A loud sigh of relief swept through your body as you squeezed Philip in thankfulness. You were one step closer of ending your sector’s pain of a useless fight.

“Y/N?” Philip suddenly asked curiously. You hummed in response, which he took as his cue to continue. “Do you have a plan of how to replace your mother?”

You swallowed thickly and tried not to stiffen at the question. “Yes,” you finally answered, after a beat of silence.

Philip looked down at you, the question in his eyes. “What is it?” he asked, a mixture of curiosity and concern.

Sighing you sat up slowly and looked at him warily. And then with a shuddering breath, you told him the plan you had been meticulously working out for the past five weeks, going over and re-going over every detail. Not that it was an incredibly extravagant plan. Quite the opposite actually. But you couldn’t help continuing to fret over the “what-ifs”.

When you were finished detailing it out, Philip looked at you, trying to control the anger he surely had towards it.

“I don’t like it,” he said. You grimaced and trained your eyes on your hands fiddling in your lap. “At all, Y/N. It’s- you shouldn’t do it. CP-”

“Will be fine,” you assured him, looking up at him sincerely. “You know it will so don’t try to use that against me. And don’t get all angry on me, you know this is the best shot we have, and deep down, you’re kind of impressed I thought of it.” You tried to pass him a little smile at your last remark, but he didn’t seem amused and you quickly wiped the smile off your face.

“Alexander will never forgive you,” he asserted. He watched you carefully as you breathed slowly and bit your lip.

“I know,” you finally admitted, once again returning your eyes to your fingers. “I’m counting on it.”

“I will never forgive you,” he challenged, and you looked up wide-eyed at the insinuation you knew was coming.

Sighing, you shook your head. “You will. When the war ends and you see all the boys coming home to their family’s alive and our sector finally meets peace for the first time in our lifetimes, you will forgive me,” you explained softly, needing to remind him of everything riding on your plan. “A sacrifice from myself is the least I can offer, and you will understand that. Alexander won’t, and that’s okay because he has to be there for Bethany. So it’s okay if he hates me, i-it’s okay if-”

Philip cut you off by shushing you and softly rubbing your back as your rambling tried to convince yourself of your words. “Y/N, you don’t have to do this. We can think of something else. You’re in love with Alexander, and that scares you, I get it, but-”

“I told you it was irrelevant,” you stopped him, tears threatening the corners of your eyes, as you looked up at your best friend desperately for help. “There is no other option. Please, just drop it.”

Gritting his teeth, Philip gave you a short nod, and the conversation was dropped. Sitting and staring out at the now sunset for several more minutes in silence, the two of you eventually decided it was time to head back inside. Before you reached the door, however, Philip stopped you, as he was still trying to come up with the right words to say.

“For what it’s worth,” Philip started slowly, “and I know it’s not worth much, but for what it’s worth, Alexander is much better for you than John was.”

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“I know he died, and you Chose him, and he was one of our best friends, and we have to honor his memory and everything, but you and John were falling apart. And I think there’s a part of you that forgot about that when he was drafted. Because I think if John were still alive and still with us, you two would no longer be together, and you would have still fallen in love with Alexander, and John would have been happy for you. He would have liked Alexander. I don’t think he would like what you’re about to do to him, but he would like him.”

You stared stunned at Philip, trying to think of anything to say. “I- I loved John. I wouldn’t have Chosen him if I didn’t love him. He was everything to me.”

Philip smiled at you sadly. “I know that. And I’m not trying to say that that wasn’t true. But you never Chose him before he was drafted. I know you were scared of your mother, but you do so much behind her back, I don’t think Choosing John would have been any different. But you didn’t. You never Chose John when he was here because you were never afraid of losing him as a lover. But the moment you were afraid to lose him as a friend? You did everything in your power to bring him back.”

With a soft comforting kiss to your forehead and without another word, Philip opened the door back inside and left you standing on the roof, feeling as if you’d been punched in the gut.

###### 

After some insistence from Alexander, it was decided that Philip and Theodosia would join your household dinner that evening. Most of the regular staff that made an appearance were already in the grand dining hall mingling by the time your friends and you made it down. Philip and Theodosia had been confused at first by the concept of the dinner, not noticing in all the chaos throughout the day that the household was lacking its usual workers. You knew Alexander was just trying to ease over the situation more before they left, and you were grateful, but you were worried your friends would see the dismissal of your staff behind your mother’s back as reckless, given the other news they had recently discovered.

But to your surprise, your friends had just raised their eyebrows at Alexander’s explanation, and gestured for him to lead the way to the dining room, purposely remaining silent on the matter, which you couldn’t decide if it was better or worse reaction than you were expecting.

As you opened the dining room doors, the loud roar of hundreds of people turned suddenly to cheers at the sight of you. A light blush crept into your cheeks, even though you knew they were all playfully cheering for the fact they could finally begin their meal now that you had arrived. Gertrude had really outdone herself this week; you could tell just from the aromas that greeted you as you entered the hall.

Everyone quieted down a bit to allow you to say your speech you gave before every one of the feasts. Your palms became clammy as you realized you hadn’t prepared anything for today’s celebration, as you had planned on doing it in the afternoon after your time with Alexander and the piano came to a close.

Alexander seemed to sense this too, noticing your strained smile as you quickly racked your brain for ideas. His hand softly nudged your own in support, and you took a deep breathe to begin.

“It’s so great to see you all back here again,” you started, a genuine smile beginning to replace your stressed one. “I have to be quite frank with you, I haven’t prepared much to say to you tonight. What I will say is if that’s chicken dumplings I smell, I will challenge anyone to their dying breath for the first helping.” A small relief swept through you as this got a chorus of laughter from the people you were beginning to think of as friends.

“You think I don’t know you well enough, Y/N, to keep back a whole pot just for you!” Gertrude cried out from the middle of the crowd, which led to another round of laughter, yourself included.

With a playful smirk, you shook your head, and continued your speech. “I hope you all don’t mind me extending an invitation to my close friends Philip and Theodosia for the evening. They’ve just returned from a long trip, and-”

“Wherever are we going to find food for them, ma’am?” a stable hand named Trevor heckled you from the first row, causing the whole crowd to once again dissolve into chuckles.

You scrunched your nose at Trevor and stuck out your tongue. It was a well established fact by this point that you may have underestimated how much food the staff goes through in a week, as most families were able to eat several helpings and bring home leftovers after every feast. You were grateful to be able to give your staff this well deserved treat, however. Partially with the food, but also in the ability to relax and joke around with their boss. It must have been an invaluable experience for people who’ve worked their entire lives under Aremine.

You knew it was for you.

“Nevertheless, I thank you all once again for your service, and I see little Connor over there is going to have my head if I don’t release you to eat soon, so please go ahead and enjoy the meal,” you finished, smiling broadly at the three year old in your maid Senna’s arms who kept eyeing the food set out impatiently.

The crowd dispersed in a flurry of motion and conversation to find a seat in the hall. You gestured at Philip and Theodosia to join the crowd and find a seat, unable to catch their expressions before you felt two thumps against your legs.

Looking down in surprise, you found companions you had grown quite fond of over the past several weeks. Two sets of big green eyes stared up at you widely as their dark tan arms clutched around your legs. With a soft smile, your hands patted the twins’ heads: Dinah and Sonya, one of the kitchen help’s daughters.

They shot you huge grins, as they loosened their grips on your legs just enough so you could crouch down to their level. Instinctively you pulled them into a bear hug, which caused them to start giggling.

“Hey, troubles,” you teased them. “How are you?”

Sonya popped back from the hug first, wanting to beat her sister at updating you. “Dinah lost a tooth!” she screamed gleefully. You held back a snicker at Dinah’s expression that see didn’t get to tell you, and feigned amazement at the news.

“Dinah, is that true?” you asked incredulously. “How are you going to eat tonight if you don’t have any teeth?”

She giggled at your response, which made your heart warm a little. “No, I only lost one tooth!” the three year old tried to explain to you through her amusement.

“They really like you,” Theodosia observed from behind you, a soft look of shock on her face.

You looked back up to your friend, opening your mouth to respond, but once again, Sonya beat everyone to the punch.

“Of course we like her! She’s a princess!” she explained as if it were obvious. This you did let out a small laugh at.

“I’ve tried explaining to them the difference between a monarchy and a sectorcy, but all they really got from it was that I’m a modified princess,” you shrugged at Theodosia, with a glint of mirth in your eyes. Theodosia merely raised her eyebrows at your response and remained silently.

At the feeling of a tapping on your shoulder, you turned back to an impatient Dinah who was still waiting to give you a bit of news. “Momma told a story about a princess the other day from the Old Times and how she tracked down all the bad witches,” she explained calmly.

“I wanna be a princess like you Y/N, when I grow up!” announced Sonya, effectively cutting Dinah off from what you were sure was going to be a long explanation of the story she heard. Your smile broadened. It didn’t take long for Dinah to take her sister’s train of thought.

“Yeah, I want to be a princess and not a bad witch,” confirmed Dinah, solemnly. You considered them for a second and then asked a question you knew was going to throw them.

With the mischievous grin you needed to pull this off, you wrinkled your nose at the girls. “And what would you guys think of a princess who was also witch?”

You felt all three of your friends stiffen behind you, at a question that was so blatantly obvious about your secret. But you knew they were all worried for no reason. Kids always had the best answers to the world’s problems, and they wouldn’t think twice on why you were asking beyond you wanted to engage them in a thoughtful grown up conversation.

Both girls considered it for a moment before Dinah finally decided. “Well, then she must be a good witch, because princesses are good people like you. And we only dislike bad people, right?” she asked you for a confirmation.

You nodded and she beamed. “That’s absolutely right, Dinah,” you confirmed. Your mouth opened to elaborate more, but at that moment, their parents walked over to collect.

“Sorry about that again, Miss,” their mother Vera apologized, as she took the two girls by their hands and gently tugged them away from you. “We tried to hold them off as long as possible.”

With a smile you brushed her off. “I keep telling you Vera, I’m always happy to see the two princesses.” Both of the girls’ faces lit up at that, and Vera mouthed a genuine thank you as she led them away.

Unable to meet your friends’ eyes after what they just witnessed for some reason, you instead shakily gestured towards an empty table to settle in and begin eating. Thankfully, the trio seemed content in eating in silence and contemplation. Philip and Theodosia you understood; they had a lot to take in from the day. But Alexander kept shooting you glances unconsciously, and you weren’t sure why, as he had been by your side with your interactions with all your staff and their families for weeks now.

The food tasted better than it smelled, truly a feat only Gertrude could ever obtain on a regular basis. And before you knew it, the dinner had passed without a word between your table. Everyone began cleaning up and boxing up the as per usual extra amounts of food.

It didn’t take long, however, for the children to catch on to what always came after the boxing of the food. Soon parents and siblings were being tugged to the empty end of the room. You smiled fondly at the continuation of what had started as an impromptu dance at the first feast. Alexander was quickly snatched by one of the adults, needed for his piano expertise to start the first song.

As Alexander’s fingers began to float of the keys and lift the introduction melody into the air, adults and children alike began pairing off, eager for the time on the dance floor they never were able to experience properly before. Usually you would find a child to pair off with and join in; however, tonight you weren’t sure if you could handle listening to Alexander play for hours. The memories of the day along with its constant reminder of the lie you were living tainted the usually wonderful taste of Alexander’s music.

“You two should dance,” you suggested to your friends beside you, a strained smile tugging against your face. They seemed almost startled to hear your voice, and quirked their eyebrows at you in response. Theodosia opened her mouth as if to ask what you would be doing, but you cut her off, widening your smile. “Gertrude probably needs help cleaning up, and I haven’t had a chance to thank her personally yet today, so I’m just going to go do that,” you explained simply, your lip beginning to wobble, but you kept it steady enough to finish. “Please, go enjoy yourselves!” you insisted, and before they could respond, you swiftly made your way through the crowd to the connecting hall to the kitchen.

You glanced over at Alexander as he was playing, and his eyes met yours in concern. He could tell you were upset. Furrowing his eyebrows, he silently asked you from across the room if you were okay without missing a single note. With a small smile, you waved him off, averted your eyes, and quickened your steps until you were out of sight.

As soon as you were hidden in the hallway, your back slammed into the wall and your hands braced themselves against the sobs that now racked through your body. Your breathing became labored as you tried your hardest to stay quiet, now pressing a hand over your mouth as if to silence your pain. 

All day. You had made it through the entire day without breaking down, and all it took was Alexander playing some chords on the piano for your staff to completely undo you.

“Hey,” you heard a kind voice comforting you, drawing out the word. You looked up in alarm at Theodosia who was about to gently wrap her arms around you.

Instead of allowing her, though, you quickly jumped away and wiped the tears off your face.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, quickly trying to take around her and return to the dance. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me,” you continued, about to leave the hallway as you felt a firm hand grip your forearm. With a defeated sigh, you stopped, but refused to face her.

Slowly, she reeled you in and pulled you into a hug. Resisting for a brief moment, you gritted your teeth and held your breath. Your eyes stared blankly ahead as you tried to keep your body numb from your friends warmth. But when her arms squeezed slightly around your middle, your dam broke all a once.

Quickly wrapping your arms around Theodosia to hold you up, you buried your head in her neck, sobs resuming. She patiently hummed to calm you and gently stroked your back to soothe you. You aren’t sure how long she allowed you to stand there like that.

Pulling back with a red blotchy face she immediately began wiping the tears from with a handkerchief, hiccups began overtaking your body. “I’m sorry, I--hic--disappointed you so much today,” you mumbled, unable to meet her eye. You hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to her all day, and honestly, you had probably been avoiding her, because while you could handle Philip’s anger, Theodosia’s disappointment always had a way of hurting you more.

You felt her hand push a strand of off of your tear-stained cheek, and your eyes flicked up to hers. She just stared at you so sadly, and eventually opened her mouth to speak, but you couldn’t bear to hear it. Not yet.

“God, Theo, I’m so sorry. I--hic--First the Alexander thing, and then the reckless dismissal of the staff. I know you must be so-”

“Y/N,” she stopped you gently, but there was a subtle look of surprise in her eyes. “You think I’m disappointed about the dismissal of your staff?”

This made you pause. It wasn’t so much that you thought that, but more so you guessed with everything else going on, this would be an easy addition to your mistakes. But after seeing you taken aback by the question for so long, Theodosia was able to come to right conclusion.

With a loud breath, she said, “Y/N, have you seen those people out there? I haven’t seen any of them smile in this household in my entire life. Was it a little impulsive? Sure, but you always are--don’t argue me on that, you are,” she settled, seeing your look of indignation on your face at the slight jab. You opened your mouth to speak, but she waved you off. “Listen, Philip told me about your plan and-”

“You can’t change my mind,” you immediately defended yourself, your body tensing. Theodosia considered you for a moment before continuing.

“I’m not going to try to change your mind. I know Philip wants me to, but I respect your plan. I don’t like it, but I can’t think of an alternative, and you seem rather adamant,” she explained softly. Your body relaxed at her words, and eyes turned down to look at your fingers fiddling with your dress. “What I am going to do is ask you to consider what you’ve already done for these people, and how they might benefit from you, if you would let them,” she continued softly, and your eyes met hers desperately.

“I haven’t done-”

“You have, Y/N. You have done so much for these people in just two months. They look up to you now; they now trust the succession of power. You have given them _hope_ ,” Theodosia insisted.

Your eyes stared blankly as your mouth dried, trying to form a response. Then clenching your eyes, you let out a shaky sigh. “It doesn’t matter,” you stated simply, and before she could protest, you cut her off. “It _doesn’t_. I owe them so much more than hope. I owe them change,” you confessed, and when your eyes met Theodosia’s, you could tell she wanted to fight you on the matter, but couldn’t find it in her.

After several beats of silence, Theodosia finally sighed. “Fine,” she relented. “But then you have to take my last piece of advice.” Bobbing your head curtly, you stiffened unsure of what your friend would tell you. “Break up with Alexander.”

You felt like you had been punched in the gut. It was a winded feeling, where you tried to catch you breath to form words, and as you searched for them wildly, Theodosia continued.

“Tonight, Y/N. Now, if you have to. The first chance you get. Break up with him. Because whether or not you’re still together, he’s never going to forgive you for this, so save yourself a little. Give yourself time. Tell him it’s over.”

You stared at her, still dumbfounded, but was balanced enough to realize fighting her on this would make everything worse. Every bone in your body wanted to tell Theodosia to mind her own business, and let you handle Alexander. Let you deal with the way you treated your relationship. Let you decide when it was appropriate to end things.

But saying those things would imply you were in too deep. That you had fallen too hard. And you hadn’t done that. You kept saying you would be able to break it off when the time came; well, the time just slapped you in the face.

Gritting your teeth, you kept all your arguments in your head. If they never surfaced, they never existed, you reasoned. But still, you couldn’t trust yourself to open your mouth to say anything because Alexander--the man who gave you his mother’s original transcripts, the man who saved you from yourself in captivity, the man who adored you even without a Choice, the man who was out in the ballroom behind you at that exact moment playing waltzes on the piano so your servants who never got a day off in their lives could have one good thing for the night, the man you very well might be in love with--was a lot for you to willing give up when you still had _time_ to be together.

You felt your head nodding shortly.

The relief in Theodosia’s face made you feel warm, although it wasn’t as relaxing as you’d hoped it’d be. You knew you passed her test by not arguing with her. So why did it feel like you cheated?

She pulled you in for another, more friendly, more proud hug, and you reluctantly reciprocated. Sighing, you rested your chin on her shoulder, and asked, “What am I going to do without you, Theo?”

Her head pulled back at this, and you didn’t realize tears had begun falling from her eyes. “You’re going to not be such an idiot,” she responded lightheartedly through her strained voice, and then she quickly squeezed you back into a hug. “I know your plan is set for the ball, and so I likely won’t see you again, but-”

“What?” you pulled back in surprise. _Oh_. You always took Philip to the ball. Theodosia never got an invitation. She thought this was her goodbye to you. “No,” you stated simply, frantically reasoning through the logistics. “No, you’re invited to the ball. Come with Philip.” She opened her mouth to fight you, but you wouldn’t hear it. “Theodosia, me not having a guest at the ball will fit the narrative. You’re coming.”

The two of you were at a standoff for a moment before she quickly collapsed in relief and pulled you in for a final hug. “I’m so glad I don’t have to say goodbye yet,” she mumbled, and a lump filled the back of your throat as you gritted your teeth to hold back your tears.

When she pulled back, you both flashed each other smiles, and she acknowledged you would need a little alone time now. And so she left you in the hallway to process everything that just happened.

Sinking to the floor holding your head in your hands, you slowly thought through everything. All this time you had been so worried about your plan, you barely had time to think over the goodbyes.

You weren’t sure they were something you were going to be able to do.

###### 

“I’m serious, she’s going to be better than me by next year,” Alexander called out from your closet, where he had taken to storing some clothes and nightwear.

You were curled up in your window seat, going through and annotating _Immortal_ for your third time, making sure there wasn’t anything to miss. Some pages were so heavily annotated by this point, you had taken to creating a numbered system and adding your thoughts to blank pages in the back.

Smiling amusedly, as Alexander walked out from the closet, you ignored the feeling of your throat closing in as you remembered Theodosia’s words from earlier in the night. “Well, it’s not like she has that much to catch up to,” you teased him, and he rolled his eyes as he quickly made his way over to you and ripped the manuscript from your hands. You tried to protest, but he didn’t listen, as he placed it out of your reach on a side table, and climbed up across from you in the window.

A pout crossed your face as you crossed your arms, to which he merely shrugged at. “That’s for implying my piano skills suck,” he answered unapologetically, flashing you his dopey smile. You couldn’t help the giggles that bubbled out of you. “But I’m serious, Sania is really gifted, and I know she’s going to become a maid here like her mother, but I was thinking I could give her lessons when Aremine’s out or in meetings or something. At least until your plan is enacted, which I assume will be happening within the next year. And then after that, we’re free to kick her out and send her to an academy somewhere, where she can become the next great concert pianist.”

Your breath caught at his words, because they were so innocent. He knew nothing, suspected nothing of your plans. He didn’t know he had a month to prepare. And he didn’t know there would be no “we” doing anything after it happened.

But you put on a brave face, and smiled softly at him. “Yeah, that sounds good. You should do that,” you confirmed quietly. If he noticed the change from “we” to “you”, he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he smiled proudly at the prospect of his piano prodigy he picked up at the first feast utilizing her full potential. It took him a beat to catch on to your somber expression.

“Y/N?” he inquired, and you looked up, not quite able to get a pleasant expression on your face fast enough. “I-I know how hard today must have been for you. And I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. I… I realized how fast we had been going without ever looking behind us, and I think most of that is on me. And I had decided that I would take a step back, from you. And really just… not do so much of this at once,” he confessed. You sat there stunned, but before you could say anything, he continued. “But then Dinah and Sonya came up to you, and you treated them with so much respect and wisdom, and I realized how right they were to want to talk to you every time they saw you. And how right it was that I felt so much for you all at once.”

This wasn’t the first time today you felt your lungs constricting and the tears brimming your eyes. But it was by far the worst time.

“I still know we got ahead of ourselves a bit,” he went on, “but I’m willing to try to take a step back with you if you are, and just take this one day at a time.”

The tears broke free, and you buried your head in your knees for a moment. Then, pointedly not answering his question, you crawled over to his side of the window seat, and buried your head in his chest. You knew he was taking this as your answer, but you truly didn’t have enough energy in you after his speech to break his heart or lie to him.

After you both stopped crying, however, a calm silence settled over the two of you as he gestured it was time to retire for the night. He crawled into bed first, and you hesitated, knowing you shouldn’t be indulging yourself by curling up to him one last time. But he noticed you stalling and you panicked and crawled in with him.

He naturally gravitated towards you and pulled you in, and you buried your head in his chest as you had every night for the past two months. But this wasn’t right. You knew it wasn’t right because Theodosia’s words kept spinning on a loop in your head.

“Break up with him,” the voice demanded. And you couldn’t find it in yourself to relax or ignore it. You had told Theodosia you would, and she had seemed so proud of you for it. And you remembered Philip’s words about how John wouldn’t like how you were hurting him. And you knew you owed it to Alexander to not fall asleep right now, but to rather give him time to cope and adjust. It was selfish not to, you told yourself. You had to do this.

“Alexander,” you breathed, your body stiffening at the preparation of the words about to leave your mouth. “Alexander, we need to talk.” You held your breath in anticipation, but the only sound that greeted you were the soft breaths you knew by heart. 

He was asleep.

Clenching your eyes shut and burying your head into his chest again, you let out a shaky sigh. Your thoughts began slowly coming to a calm reasoning. There was no harm in waiting; there would be if you were in too deep, but you weren’t. Tomorrow was the deadline you knew was coming. Tomorrow you would tell him. Tomorrow was a promise to yourself.

Tomorrow.

And then you snuggled in closer to him, and with a sigh and his arm wrapped tightly around your waist, you were out in a minute.


	13. There is No Stopping This Countdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I'm sorry I'm so horrible at updating. Please enjoy this lil chapter before we get into the ball next chapter.
> 
> And once again, thank you all for sticking by this even when I suck <3

Tomorrow passed.

And then another. And another.

Until suddenly your household staff was moving back in, and Alexander was moving his things back out. And you watched helplessly sitting cross-legged on your bed as his final pair of trousers were gathered in his arms, and he began making his way out of your room.

Your throat constricted as you watched him approach the door. He would be coming right back, you knew; however, you shouldn’t let him. That was the point. You had avoided ending things with him for almost a month, and now was your best shot to actually go through with the speech you had prepared for once. The two of you had to essentially end things anyways, so it wouldn’t be too much to just make it all a legitimate sever.

And yet still after all this time, you held yourself back. You only had four days left with him, and you knew it was selfish, but you’d broken your promise for this long: what was four more days? 

So instead of speaking up, you watched silently as he disappeared from your view into the hallway.

When Alexander did return a few minutes later, you hadn’t moved from your stoic position on the bed, and had consumed the time with staring at the wall intently, trying to convince yourself to just do it. It was a battle you knew you would lose, just like every other time you had fought it.

Flopping unceremoniously on your bed beside you, Alexander let out a sigh. “I just still can’t believe we’re already at the end of the three months,” he commented, a slightly solemn undertone to his voice. 

You knew if you tried to say anything, your voice would betray you, so instead you offered a hum of agreement. If Alexander was concerned by it, it didn’t show.

“I promised Sania I’d give her lessons for the next three days while we still can openly, so I better not keep her waiting,” he informed you after a beat of silence, a playful glint in his eye. The look was enough to partially allow you to return to a normal state.

With a small smile, you smirked, and shook your head softly. “Well, I guess I’ll share you if I must,” you tried to joke, but it fell flat, and thickened the air around the two of you uncomfortably. You ducked your head and took in a shaky breath as you felt Alexander’s arms wrap gently around you.

His head rested against yours, and he softly murmured, “I know, Y/N. From here we just take it one day at a time, for as long as we can.”

A choked sound emitted itself from your throat and he held you closer. You needed to tell him you had already decided how long you could sustain this. You needed to tell him it was only four more days.

But while you were stuck silently yelling at yourself, he had already kissed your forehead and left you alone in your room with your thoughts.

With a shudder and not knowing what else to do, you fell backwards and curled up in your bed, desperately asking sleep to save you from your mind.

###### 

The first day with the household staff back went smoothly enough. Which essentially meant you had spent most the day either in bed or speaking with staff members about how progress for the ball was coming along. Which essentially meant you didn’t see Alexander again until that evening.

Since all the staff stayed in a different wing of the manor, the two of you had somehow justified waking up together the next morning, despite the suspicion it had the potential of creating. But you had been tired, and didn’t have the energy to put up a fight when Alexander reasoned it.

You had three days left together, and you could begin to feel your body’s constant jitters wearing you out. You suspected Alexander finally noticed your nerves were bigger and more omniscient than he originally thought, but he never brought them up. He probably chalked it up to being nervous about your mother returning; he retaliated with soft, absent minded touches that did nothing for your slowly deteriorating state, but you couldn’t tell him that.

So you accepted the touches and stayed silent.

###### 

Two days left together, and it took everything in you to hold your mental state together.

Your sister and mother were set to return early the next morning, and you were still entertaining the idea that continuing this relationship behind Bethany’s back while she was here--even if it was just for one day--was a morally acceptable thing to do. Not to mention continuing to drag Alexander along in this preposterous situation.

Taking a shuddering breath, you tried so hard to focus on what Alexander was saying, but your eyes keep roaming to the world outside the window seat the two of you sat in. It seemed eerily calm outside, and your mind wandered to the changing of the seasons. A year, you realized.

It had officially been a year since the ball you very nearly ruined everything. A year since your capture. A year since the idiot sitting beside you got himself taken as well. A year since all of this began.

Swallowing thickly, and swinging your legs around to land on the ground quickly, you stood without looking Alexander in the eyes, not wanting him to see the tears that suddenly struck you.

You distantly heard him call out to you in confusion, but you shook your head and waved him off, not turning around to look at him. “I just need to go for a walk,” you mumbled as you hurried out of the room, leaving Alexander to watch after you with concern. But to your surprise and gratitude, he didn’t follow you.

As soon as you made it out of the manor--which felt like it was suffocating you--you stopped and began heaving sobs, unsure of what else to do. Alexander had offered early to have one last piano day with your last day alone for awhile, and you had to decline because you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. He had offered having one last “ball” with your household staff that evening, but you had to decline because you knew it would destroy you.

He kept offering different things to help you transition back to life in hiding, and you couldn’t accept any of it because you knew you didn’t deserve it. In two days you would destroy his heart and all his trust in you.

You didn’t deserve to feel any better than how you felt exactly at this moment.

With a shuddering breath, and a resolve to mellow your sobs to silent streams, you eventually convinced yourself to pick yourself up and actually go for the walk you had told Alexander you would be on. You hadn’t accounted for the cold when you had fled the manor, and while you reasonably could just return inside to retrieve a shawl, you found that the bite to the cold air helped clear your mind. The longer you spent walking, the more numb you became, which was exactly what you needed at the moment.

In seventeen hours you would have to face your mother. Confront her about your plan. Trap her with a deal irresistible to her, and solidify your fate.

But even more terrifying than that, in seventeen hours you would have to face Bethany, and confront the betrayal you doubted you would ever be forgiven for. Or, live with the knowledge of your betrayal as Bethany continued on blissfully oblivious.

You weren’t sure which was worse.

An hour into your walk, and your fourth round around the hibernating garden, your shivering became so uncontrollable, you had no choice but to return inside and fend off Alexander’s endless support. With a restrained sigh, you set your course back for the manor.

(That evening you relented and held one more ball for your staff. Did you really think you would be able to deny Alexander forever?)

###### 

“Shit.”

You turned around curiously with eyebrows furrowed to see Alexander frowning as he read a letter on your bed. It was after the pre-ball, and all your staff had returned to their quarters. Knowing it was risky to spend a third night together with the staff, especially with Bethany and your mother arriving home soon, the two of you had been more reluctant than usual to retreat to your room together, but the thought of not having one last night together had won out.

Alexander’s eyes looked up at you sheepishly, and your face quirked into an unspoken question.

“Bethany sent me this letter a couple days ago, and in the rush of the staff moving back in and me moving out, I had forgotten to read it,” he explained quietly. “She asked me to ask you to fill in for her in the garment tradition. I think we’re supposed to pick her gown.”

Your face flushed slightly. The garment tradition was a silly one, if you were single. Honestly, you usually just used it as an excuse to see Philip. But when one was Chosen, the history behind the tradition came a little more into play. The person you Chose to spend the rest of your life with was now helping you choose a dress to symbolize the joining of Choices in a perfect union.

And Bethany asked Alexander to make that choice with you.

You had always viewed the garment tradition as frivolous and unnecessary, even when you were with John. But now, looking at Alexander, you couldn’t help but feel you had been wrong all along. The idea that after a Choice was made, every choice from then on was made in union, no longer seemed like an empty symbol.

It suddenly felt like too grand a responsibility for you to take Bethany up on. It suddenly felt like you were hijacking Bethany’s Choice, and all the meaning behind, even though, you technically had been for months now. It suddenly didn’t just feel like an empty gesture, but rather, it felt like too much.

But instead of raising your concern on that, you looked into Alexander’s hopeful eyes, and gave a tense nod in agreement that the two of you should do this. For Bethany, you reminded yourself. And you weren’t sure why you gave in, if it was because you gave in to all of Alexander’s requests as of late, or because it was incredibly late and your mother and Bethany were set to arrive in less than seven hours.

Either way, you now found yourself being led out the door and down the hall to Bethany’s room

The two of you were quiet as you entered Bethany’s closet, as if you were to disrupt spirits she had left there to keep an eye on you. With silent communication, you both began drawing dresses to your likings, deciding to compare tastes at the end. You seemed to go for more modest selections than Alexander, but perhaps that was just the older sister in you.

You were in the middle of pulling out a gorgeous emerald gown, when Alexander held up a shimmering gold gown to observe. Your throat constricted and you absentmindedly dropped the dress in your hand. 

You had been sixteen when you had acquired that gown, Bethany’s age. It felt so out of place in your closet, but you had a fond fascination with it even since your dressmaker had offered to make it. A small part of you always knew you would never wear it, but you held onto it for safekeeping. 

John had stumbled upon it in your closet one day and had pulled it out and said seriously, “If I saw you in this dress, I would marry you on the spot.” The words had made you blush then. You had seen it as a promise of sorts. That one day you would Choose him, and he wouldn’t marry you in some specially made white dress, but rather in the gown that had felt too pretty for you, gathering dust in your closet.

But then John had died, and the dress had just been a constant reminder of what you would never have. You passed the dress onto Bethany and had forgotten about it.

“That one,” you whispered, startling Alexander out of his thoughts. He looked over at you curiously, but his expression soon turned to concern as he observed the gown in an unceremonious pile at your feet and the unsuspecting tears on your cheeks.

“I want to see her in that dress,” you whispered again, begging Alexander not to push for an explanation. Because you couldn’t tell him the meaning of the dress. And you especially couldn’t tell him how that was the ballgown you wanted to see your sister in at the last ball you would be together. There was too much to unpack in the statement, and thankfully, Alexander seemed to sense that. He nodded and turned back to the gown to size up the decision.

Finally, he responded, “I agree, it’s a beautiful gown.” Tears continued to leave your eyes as you nodded.

Once the gown was displayed gracefully in the middle of the closet with all the other options put back in their rightful places, the two of you once again returned to your room. You began drawing back the blankets on the bed to prepare for bed, when you noticed Alexander still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, rocking back on his heels.

Standing up and turning to him, you quirked your eyebrows in question as to what he was doing.

“I- I was just thinking, maybe we could…” he began to suggest, but trailed off, and avoided eye contact with you.

You stood and watched him for a moment, waiting for him to continue, but when it became obvious he needed a little push, you questioned softly, “Alexander?”

His eyes shot up to yours, and you noted that his cheeks were flushed. “Nothing, it was- It was nothing,” he finally responded.

Remaining silent for a moment and debating your options, you finally decided to push a little further. “Alexander? What was it?”

You waited patiently as he took a deep breath, and looked up at you bashfully. “Can I help you choose your ballgown as well?”

It felt like everything went still for a moment. Like your heart was taking an extra long pause between beats and your lungs between breaths. Because he knew the implications of that. And you weren’t quite sure if you were emotionally okay with choosing Bethany’s gown with him, let alone allow him to help you. And allowing him to help you insinuated that he was-

“I know I’m not your Choice, and I know we can’t change that. And I know you don’t want to choose a gown with me because of the strict lines you want to draw between what I am to you and a Choice. But this tradition, it doesn’t just feel like a Choice thing, if that makes sense. Choosing something together, forming that union, it doesn’t symbolize anything if the participants aren’t lovers forging a new life together. And I- I love you, Y/N. So maybe I could do this with you not as your Choice, but as your lover.”

Alexander ended his impassioned speech with sincere eyes, unwaveringly holding yours, and you felt the whole world crashing down on you. He _loved_ you, and by tomorrow morning he would never want to look at you again.

Your body seemed to be frozen in time as it tried to decide any way to react to this new information. You should have ended things when Theodosia told you to, because then maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess. 

But as sobs began overtaking your body and you looked upon Alexander, studying him closely, you realized it never mattered when you would have ended things with him. You would always end up here.

He would always be in love with you.

And you would always return that love.

His arms were around you in seconds as he tried to sooth you and apologized for coming on too strongly, but you could help but clutch him and shake your head at his apologies.

“No, it’s just,” you finally tried to speak through the tears. “It’s just I love you too,” you whispered quietly, and his face seemed to glow at the admission. He once again wrapped you in a hug as you continued mourn the future inevitable end of the two of you.

###### 

Upon waking, you instinctively clung tighter to Alexander’s warmth. Even with the little sleep you had and the groggy state you were in, your subconscious knew this was the last time you would be able to do this for awhile.

You stayed like that for a few minutes, just taking in Alexander’s heartbeat and breathing. Silence had always been your favorite sound, but now…

Now you realized too late that Alexander was your favorite everything.

Your mind registered another sound in the distance, but refused to directly acknowledge it. Whatever it was wasn’t as important to you as counting Alexander’s heartbeats and basking in his soft breaths on your forehead.

It wasn’t until the sound became much closer that you realized. It was a carriage. Coming down your lane.

Bethany and Aremine were returning now.

Without another thought you bolted from the bed. Alexander began to grumble, but you shushed him urgently, and even in his sleepy demeanor, he seemed to get the message and shut up abruptly.

You made it to the door just in time.

A knock sounded on the door as it swung open, and you quickly replaced Senna’s entire view with your body and a breathless and a bit forced smile. Senna jumped back a bit in surprise and with a laugh at your sudden appearance.

“You startled me, ma’am,” she laughed, placing her hand on her chest. After she caught her breath and you waited tensely in anticipation for her, she continued, “I just came up to inform you that your mother and Bethany’s carriage is arriving as we speak.”

The two of you shared a strained smile to hide the fact you both knew your lives got a lot harder here on out. “Thank you, Senna,” you responded quietly.

She turned to leave, and then stopped and turned back towards you. “Should I wake Alexander?” she asked, gesturing to his room behind her.

Your body tensed as your forced a smile on your face and tried not to react outwardly to the question. “No, no, that’s fine,” you assured her forcefully. “I’ll get him up, you don’t have to worry about it.”

Senna nodded, unperturbed, and turned to leave. You watched her make most of her way down the hall before you retreated back into your room and shut the door. With a sigh you turned to see a much more awake and alert Alexander, scrambling to grab what little things he had left in your room and making his way towards you at the door.

He stopped at you, and you could tell he was still half asleep, but he shot you a small smile anyways. “And so our retreat ends,” he mumbled, and you offered a small nod in reply. Both of you opened your mouths to say something else, but eventually closed them again. The words you exchanged last night layed heavy in your minds. Neither of you had to repeat or acknowledge them to know that.

And so you let Alexander slip out of the room without comment.

You allowed yourself a brief moment to collect yourself, and then turned with purpose towards your closet. You had family to welcome, a ball to finish preparing, and a deal to close. Now was not the time to get caught up in your emotions.

A few minutes later, you met Alexander in the grand entry hall, waiting in anticipation for the doors to open. You tried not to think of the position you were in the last time the two of you stood in front of these doors. You had been different people those months ago. Both of you exchanged grimaced solemn looks, and Alexander opened his mouth, as if he were finally going to address the newfound tension between the two of you.

“Y/N!” Bethany shouted, as she slammed the door to the entryway open and clamored into the manor awkwardly lugging a large suitcase. Your face immediately snapped to your sister’s in a forced and bright smile, leaving whatever Alexander was about to say to you forgotten.

Your body propelled itself forward without accord and soon Bethany was dropping her suitcase as she giggled and reciprocated your tight grip around her.

“I missed you so much, Y/N,” Bethany mumbled into you, but your mind barely registered it. You were just so focused on how numbered your embraces with Bethany were from here on out, and so you clung so tightly to this one you had.

Eventually, Bethany pulled away, laughing a little more and wiping tears from her eyes. She brought her hand up to your face as well, and you flinched, but then she began wiping away the tears you didn’t even realize had fallen. You offered her as much of a smile as you could, and she gave you the most mature smile you had ever seen from her. Her face softened but her eyes went sad.

With a soft voice, she whispered solemnly, “We have a lot to talk about.”

Your eyes clouded for a split second, your mind immediately wandering to the worst, but then Aremine strolled into the house authoritatively, ordering something from one of the servants standing at the door, and you watched as Bethany visibly stiffened, but forced a pleasant look onto her face.

And then you came back to reality of where Bethany had been, what she knew now, and your instructions and admission you made before she had left. You and Alexander may have been the least of her worries. Your sister was beginning to learn the full extent of the true nature of your mother. Your stomach turned as you felt slightly guilty for it. You had forced your sister to grow up. And you were about to do it again.

But instead of saying anything more in front of your mother, Bethany instead just gave you a pointed look, and then turned her attention to behind you.

“Alexander!” she greeted with a warm smile, and the guilty feeling in your stomach tripled as you turned to watch the couple’s embrace. Alexander had effortlessly flipped back into Bethany’s Choice and gracefully spun her off her feet with a laugh when she hugged him. You weren’t sure how he was able to just… do that.

But before anyone could catch your perturbed expression, you quickly became self aware and morphed your face into an endearing expression just in time. Bethany spun back to you with an absolute look of delight on her face as soon as Alexander set her down.

“I trust you took good care of him?” she asked teasingly. You didn’t trust your voice, so instead you offered a silent nod and ignored the way Alexander stared at you from behind Bethany’s back.

“Come Alexander,” Bethany announced after a moment, breaking you both out of your trances. “I’m excited to see what the two of you picked out for my ballgown,” she continued, tugging at Alexander’s arm to pull him away. He broke his eye contact with you, and smiled down at Bethany as he allowed himself to be led away. It was the first moment since Bethany had walked through the door that a bit of his guilt showed on his face.

You watched as they walked away silently. When they turned down the end of the hall, you shuddered back into reality and looked around you. You realized your mother had already retreated to her office without a word.

It was time.

With a deep breath, your feet began to trudge through the maze of hallways towards your mother’s office. It was like your body was fighting itself, but you forced it to keep going. You had to do this. For the people. For the sector.

The door was open when you arrived and your mother was reading through the first of what was stack of papers that had built up in the past three months. She stood motionless as her eyes roamed the page she held, and you considered your next move. Clenching your eyes shut, you took a shaky breath, and then confidently stepped into the room and closed and locked the door behind you.

Your mother’s eyes shot up to you with a surprised disgust, as you were sure she didn’t expect anything from you in the first moments she returned, but you held steady and raised your chin slightly. Willing your voice to not betray your fear, you took a step forward and began.

“I have a deal for you, Mother.”


	14. I'll Blindfold You Until the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I procrastinated on writing this so much because this was actually the chapter that inspired the whole work, and I wanted to make sure I did it right. Honestly not even sure if I did. (The extra extra long time it took to write was just because I've been in Germany all summer haha)
> 
> Enjoy! <3

“Is something wrong, Y/N?”

You were pulled from your thoughts and refocused on the task at hand by Bethany’s voice.

“No. No of course not,” you responded with a strained smile as you made the final loop with the tie at the back of Bethany’s dress. You could see her furrowed eyebrows at your response, but she didn’t question you further, for which you were grateful, because everything was wrong and right at the same time.

With a deep breath, you put on your most convincing smile as you spun Bethany around, her giggles almost making your smile genuine. The dress—your would have been wedding gown—was even more gorgeous on Bethany than it had ever been on you, you were convinced.

Bethany turned quickly from you and ran to your mirror, eager to observe herself for the first time in the gown. As she fondly spun to observe herself and fan out the gown in every direction, you were once again hit with a round of guilt.

Your mother had—as you had expected—accepted your offer. This was your last night with your sister. This was the last quiet moment you would have together. This was the last time you would tie her ball gown and walk hand and hand with her into a ball, and maybe you were just a little overwhelmed.

For all these months, you had been planning for this moment, and trying to fend off your feelings for Alexander, and prepare your sector for the coming years without anyone noticed, that you had never considered how it would feel to stand here in this moment. Watching your sister gush over a gown, unaware her entire life was about to change.

You felt like a fake. A fraud. Here was the girl you had spent your entire life protecting, and now you didn’t know how to best do that. You felt like you were choosing your people over her, and she was asking you which shoes looked best with her ensemble, like the two of you were just normal sisters.

“Y/N,” Bethany stated, a bit serious. By the concerned look on her face, you inferred that this wasn’t the first time she had called out to you, but you merely blinked back to her. She was silent for a moment before she spoke quietly. “Mother told me we’re going on an emergency trip into Savx tomorrow. You don’t know anything about that, do-“

“No,” you cut her off solemnly, and couldn’t bring your eyes to meet hers. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see her bite her cheek and weigh the options of calling you out on your blatant lie, but something in her must’ve told her that she didn’t wanted to know.

So instead of going into it, she took a deep breath, and spoke a little lighter. “Come on, I’m excited to see what gown you chose for the ball. Even if it is one of the only three you ever wear,” she tried to jest with you lightly, but there was a somber glare in her eye.

You appreciated her effort, however, and shot her a strained smile, trying not to think of the fact that you had not actually picked out the dress you were about to don. Alexander had actually insisted, and considering the circumstances, you had been helpless to refuse, wanting him to remember you how he wished to.

The two of you made your way to your closet and you gently pulled out the gown of Alexander’s choosing. You heard Bethany’s breath catch as she caught sight of the simply red gown with small gold threading throughout the seams.

“I’ve never seen you in this,” Bethany finally commented in awe, and fought to keep a blush off your face.

Generally speaking, you wore more neutral colors that helped you blend more in with the crowd. Red made you stick out, draw attention to yourself, so you were always hesitant to wear it. Not many noble women owned such an extravagance as an entirely red gown, so you knew wherever you went tonight, you would be signaling for eyes to follow you. Part of you almost thought that’s why Alexander asked you to wear it: so he could always find you in the crowd.

But you were also glad to have the double gratification of Bethany also approving in vigor of the choice as well. So with her help the dress was quickly donned, and suddenly you found yourself standing in your mirror with Bethany over your shoulder, observing yourself.

It was another last. There were no more balls or ball gowns in your future.

With a tight smile and tears in your eyes, you interlaced your fingers with Bethany’s tightly and tore your eyes from your reflection to look at her.

“Ready?” you asked in a shaky voice.

And with a vigorous nod from Bethany, the two of you headed out of your room towards the ballroom.

###### 

There was a warm glow surrounding all the people as they danced around you and a gentle buzzing hum that accentuated the natural sound of the room. You swayed absentmindedly to the quartet at the other end of the ballroom, and reveled that for once you weren’t the one being bombarded with questions at the ball.

Your eyes naturally gravitated towards the couple at the other end of the room that was garnering all the attention. Alexander’s eyes drifted towards yours as Lady Tailorson grilled him on his upcoming wedding in a year’s time. When your eyes met, you quickly averted yours and took another large gulp of the champagne in your hand, turning to put your back towards him in an effort to quit being so obvious.

“So how’d it go?”

The quiet voice in your ear startled you a bit, but you relaxed immediately upon recognition. Turning to fully face the voice, you took in how perfect your friends looked together in a ball setting, as it had been the first time in years Theodosia and Philip had both been granted an attendance.

They both wore casually smiles, but the look of question in their eyes portrayed the serious nature of the question.

With a strained smile, you nodded at them slightly and then took a breath. “She had no choice, just as I said. Her and Bethany head to Sayx tomorrow.”

Both of your friends let out a sigh, but hardly looked relieved.

“So that’s just… it then,” Theodosia finally said after a moment of silence. “We’re supposed to just be happy and let you-“

“Save my people. Yes,” you responded before she could say another word. If there was one thing you could not handle tonight, it was Theodosia trying to change your mind.

Your eyes met, and Theodosia shifted uncomfortably. You knew she wanted to say more and yet she also knew now was a time for silence.

It was Philip who broke it. “Y/N, how did Alexander take you ending things?”

You wanted to avert your eyes more than anything; you just wanted to look at the floor. But you knew it would give you away, so instead, you gritted your teeth, looked Philip right in the eye, and said, “Not well.”

Theodosia’s eyes widened at this. “You didn’t end it, did you,” she voiced appalled. “Your left hand just shook just like it does every time you lie, Y/N.”

You tried to stutter in a response, but you knew nothing would appease her.

“You haven’t!” she shrieked, gaining the attention of some of the nearby people, who you tried to waive off as Theodosia yanked you across the ballroom to a quieter alcove the three of you could talk in peace in. “You are going to ruin him, Y/N,” she accused in a hushed voice.

You ripped your wrist out of her hand and glared at her. “Maybe I already have.”

Theodosia looked taken aback by this, until she took a deep breath and tried again. “Y/N, you have not, but tomorrow when-“

“He will get through it! Just like I did with John!”

“You did not get through John!” Theodosia screamed helplessly, and it was your turn to be stunned. Your face hung in a state between anger and upset. Philip leaned in close to Theodosia and whispered something to softly for you to hear into her ear. She took a moment to calm down, and then continued.

“What I meant,” she said quieter with a sad sincerity, “is until Alexander, you didn’t deal with John at all, and we all had to watch you do that to yourself. And now your going to leave us to watch Alexander do that to himself as well. I’m tired of watching this happen to my friends, Y/N. You need to tell him about the plan. You owe us all closure.”

Your jaw was gritted as tight as possible as tears threatened to spill over. You considered what Theodosia said, and you knew she was right. You knew you owed it to your friends to tell Alexander.

But you also knew Alexander would convince you out of it if you told him. And you knew you owed it to your people to go through with your plan.

After a beat, you opened your mouth to respond, but was interrupted.

“Y/N, our dance is coming up, do you- Oh, am I interrupting something?”

The three of you turned to stare at Alexander, and Theodosia and Philip looked back at you expectantly. Putting the most convincing smile you could manage on, you shook your head.

“No, you’re not,” you answered definitely, and then you swept past your friends, grabbing on to Alexander’s hand and dragging him back out to the dance floor.

You immediately felt some relief being out of the dance floor, free of the confined space of the alcove you were just in. Or maybe that was just the effect of Alexander’s hand in yours, who could ever be sure.

As the music for the previous song came to an end, Alexander and you took your place at the center of the ballroom. You took a deep breath and willed yourself to not look into his eyes. Drifting instead, your eyes found Bethany’s on the edge of the dance floor, smiling approvingly at the pair of you.

You felt like you needed to throw up.

“Are you sure everything’s alright between you and Philip and Theodosia?” Alexander asked quietly as the music started up. The two of you took your first steps together, and you nodded uninterested.

“Everything’s fine,” you eventually responded shortly, your face trying to maintain a pleasant façade, but it was fading fast.

Alexander’s eyebrows furrowed at this. “Okay, if you’re sure-“

“I’m sure,” you responded curtly, tears filling up your eyes again as a lump entered your throat. You didn’t- you couldn’t talk to him right now. Not with all these people watching. It was too much. He was too much, and you just needed to make it through this one dance.

His expression, however, turned grave at your latest answer. He studied you for a minute as you stayed stubbornly silent. “Are you drunk?” he asked finally, more taken aback than anything.

“Does it matter?” you responded back, feeling another wave of alcohol hit you, admitting to yourself you should have counted your drinks instead of just drinking every time you saw Alexander.

Alexander yanked you closer to him at this, and you concentrated on not stumbling. “Yes,” he hissed quietly into your ear. “It does matter because everyone is watching you here. We are not alone anymore, Y/N. You have to stay safe, which means you have to stay alert. Why in the world would you get drunk the first day your mother was back?”

He pulled back now, and you looked him defiantly in the eye. You were tired of everyone lecturing you today. “Do you know how hard it is to see you with her and know that that’ll never be me?” you asked, the hopelessness feeding into your voice. Alexander’s expression immediately softened at your words.

“Y/N, you don’t know that-“

“Of course I know that, Alexander!” you hissed, and he set his jaw into a tight clench. “We don’t have a chance! You are Bethany’s Choice, and I am my mother’s puppet. Neither of us have the freewill to choose each other, so yes I’m drunk because I love you and there is no future in this.”

Alexander stayed silent for a long time at this. You fought incredibly hard to keep the tears from falling.

Finally, he asked softly, “So what do you want to do?”

You clenched your jaw. “I don’t know, Alexander, I just-“

“What do you want to do, Y/N?” he asked again, a little more forcefully.

You clenched your eyes shut and took a shuddering breath. “I can’t,” you finally mumbled.

Helplessness filled Alexander’s eyes as they pleaded with you. “You can’t what?”

You considered him for a moment and as the two of you turned into the final bow of the dance, you averted your eyes from his, and softly said, “This. I can’t do this.”

Your eyes flitted back up to his, and felt like a dagger straight to your chest. He opened his mouth to begin begging, but you shook your head and broke the eye contact.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, and then swiftly exited the room.

###### 

You aren’t sure how long you stayed on the roof. And while you told yourself there was no reason to be chilling yourself down to your bones when you could just go inside and go to bed, you knew you were waiting.

And you hated that you were waiting.

“Hey,” a soft and cautious voice called out from behind you. You grimaced a bit, upset with yourself.

With a deep breath you turned to face the voice. Alexander seemed to be practically glowing at the ball in his dark navy attire with just enough gold accents to make it pop; but now he seemed a bit disheveled, a bit distraught, and you scolded yourself for doing this to him. It was always going to end up this way.

You defiantly decided to remain silent and instead waited for Alexander to say something.

He cleared his throat awkwardly when he realized you weren’t going to start. “Alright, I’m not here to fight,” he started, holding his hands up a bit defensively, unsure of how drunk you still were. You let out a sigh and avoided eye contact at this. “I just wanted to make sure you don’t freeze to death up here. Alcohol only fakes so much body heat,” he tried to joke, but it fell a little short.

You still gave it a small smile and then huffed into a frown, grounding yourself into the situation. You paused for a few moments, and then looked up at Alexander with tears in your eyes, but wanting to not address what was plaguing you both.

“How’d you know I would be up here?” you asked, trying to call him out, but he just answered with an uncomfortable smile, and you both knew. He knew you would be up here because while your mind might want to give Alexander up, your heart would always wait.

With a scoff and a small laugh, you shook your head with an ironic smile, and slowly walked yourself into Alexander’s chest, burying your head. You felt Alexander’s arms wrap around you as he let out a strained chuckle, and then slowly began to lead you towards the stairs. Effortlessly the both of you moved towards your room from muscle memory, but you paused before you left Alexander in.

“I- I meant what I said, Alexander,” you admitted regretfully. Steeling yourself, you forced your eyes to meet his. “Bethany and my mother are home. I can’t do this anymore.”

He paused for a moment, considering his response. “I know, Y/N… They left for Sayx already.”

His words were so quiet, you almost wondered if you imagined them. Your breath caught a little, because you knew what he was offering, and you knew you should say no. Spare him what little pain you could at this point. But in all sincerity, how much worse of a person would you be if you indulged your last night?

His eyes watched you carefully, and tears pooled in your own. The sincerity you saw told you you could refuse and he wouldn’t put up a fight. This was all on you.

And you were always so so weak when it came to Alexander. The words slipped out before you could process them.

“Stay the night,” you whispered, and before you could consider the ramifications of your mistake, his lips were on yours.

Gently, he led you backwards into your room, lips connected and his hands only briefly leaving your waist to close the door behind you. Your mind went fuzzy, still a bit tipsy from the alcohol, but mostly drunk off Alexander. Dazed and distracted through most of it, you were surprised when your back hit your bed and you found you and Alexander had somehow managed to undress each other down to your undergarments.

The look Alexander gave you… That was a look you knew would haunt you. Because you could see the desire in his eyes, and it frightened you because you were feeling that same desire pool in your body. You wanted him more than anything, but-

“Not tonight,” you whispered, before he could initiate anything else, and he immediately softened his expression and backed off you a bit. You suppressed the urge to be upset, because you knew this was it. This was the line you could not cross with him. It would be too cruel.

But you still couldn’t stop yourself from saying something potentially crueler in an attempt to ease the situation.

“Another night,” you promised, hoping he didn’t see through it. “Bethany and Aremine will be gone for a few days.”

His eyes lit up at this, but then he registered your words, and sat back in contemplation. You knew the wheels in his head were turning quickly as he considered whether or not he wanted to question your statement.

His conclusion was he did.

“You know why they’re going to Sayx?” he asked suspiciously.

You avoided eye contact, and scooted yourself further onto your bed and out from under him. Eventually, you gave a short nod; his eyebrows raised in mild surprise at this.

“Even Bethany didn’t know why they were going,” he prompted you, but you refused to answer that. He mulled it over in silence for a second. “Does it have to do with your plan?” he asked cautiously.

Clenching your jaw, you fiddled with your undergarments for a moment. “Yes,” you answered softly, after a moment. Your body was tense with anticipation of his next question. You knew he was going to ask. He was going to ask about the plan, and you didn’t know how you could respond at this point.

But to your surprise, no question came. Instead, Alexander shifted himself up the bed, planted a soft kiss on your forehead, and whispered, “Well then whatever you have planned will work itself out.” Then he crawled to the top of the bed and curled up patiently, waiting for you to join him.

And that was it. He had officially chipped away at your last piece of resolve. Alexander was so kind and respectful and trusting of your secrets, and you had done nothing but deceive and betray him.

Numbly, you climbed up to the top of the bed with him and curled up, his arms naturally wrapping themselves around you. And with a shuddering breath, you let the tears flow. You tried to keep the sobs quiet, but you knew Alexander could feel you. 

Eventually he soothed you to sleep with his hand gently rubbing your back.

###### 

A killer headache woke you in the morning, and it momentarily displaced you. But when you realized what morning it was, and whose arms you were awaking in, you fought the urge to throw up.

It was time.

You knew you would need discretion if you were to accomplish this as eloquently as possible. Carefully, you removed his arms from around you and slipped from your bed. As quietly as possible, you slipped on a your favorite warm travel dress, and padded towards the desk.

Sitting down gently, you pulled a parchment of paper out and quickly uncapped your ink. Your pen had entered the ink when you heard Alexander shift behind you. You froze, panicked, but realized he was still fast asleep.

Your heart continued to race, but you quickly began to write down what you needed to say. What Alexander needed to know. What you had been too cowardly to disclose in him.

When the note was finished, and you blinked back the tears in your eyes, you softly grabbed you cloak and paused.

_Immortal Until the Day We Die_ caught your eye on the desk, and your mind wrestled with itself. It was your favorite possession, and yet… you had no use for it anymore. It stayed on your desk as you slipped towards the door.

“Up early, aren’t we?”

You jumped at the voice and whirled around to find Alexander groggily teasing you, but with a perpetuated expression on his face, unsure of what you were doing.

“I- um. Yeah, I have to run to the market,” you lied, and forced yourself not to cringe at.

He seemed unphased by this. “Do you want me to come with you?” he asked, already sitting up in the bed, and waking a bit more.

“No!” you answered immediately, but tried to play it off as soon as the word left your mouth be clearing your throat. “No, that’s not necessary. It’ll just be a quick trip, and I wanted you to sleep in,” you explained, and you resisted drifting your eyes towards the letter on your desk left for him that explained explicitly the opposite of what you just told him.

But rather than argue with you on this, Alexander simply nodded and rolled back over.

You stood in the doorway staring at him frozen for something before you finally swallowed thickly and walked out. When you reached the stables, the small wagon you had had packed during the ball awaited you. You gently mounted your horse Reggie and connected the wagon. And then without looking back, you rode away from your manor as dawn broke, silently whispering you were sorry to everyone you were leaving behind.

###### 

_“I have a deal for you, Mother.” The words left your mouth more confidently than you anticipated they could._

_Aremine’s lips curled up as if she were just told a funny joke as her eyebrows raised. But she didn’t say anything, so you took this as your cue to continue._

_“Step down from Lady of the Sector,” you requested, and her fake smile was immediately replaced with a stern expression. “And I will too.”_

_Her eyebrows once again raised at this, but her expression remained annoyed._

_“What exactly are you proposing?” she finally sneered._

_“Bethany. Make Bethany your heir and step down when she comes of age,” you explained._

_Aremine considered this for a moment. “And you’ll just… gracefully disappear?” she asked, a heinous glint to her eyes._

_You swallowed thickly, but maintained your facade. “Yes. I’ll leave. Disappear. Join a convent that will strip me of my title and officially require Bethany to become the heir. I can leave tomorrow, and Bethany and you can journey to Sayx at the same time to stand before the court and be granted legal blessing.”_

_“And how will I know you won’t come back?”_

_You paused at this because you were sure she had a few ideas of her own._

_“I’ll make a Bond with you,” you offered, and she was once again caught offguard. “One Bond requiring you to step down when Bethany comes of age and requiring me to disappear to a remote convent.”_

_Her lips pursed at the proposition, clearly interested in getting rid of you as an heir voluntarily. And you could see her mind was already putting together Bethany would easily be young enough that Aremine would still technically be in charge even if not officially. She just needed her to agree and step down to put the war off a little longer while Philip and Theodosia worked out a more sustainable solution._

_“Would there be any other conditions?” Aremine asked suddenly._

_You cleared your throat. “Yes, one,” you spoke softly. “I want to be at Bethany’s wedding. After that…” You trailed off to allow Aremine’s imagination to do the rest of the work, and from the look in her eyes, she did._

_A sickening smile curled at the corner of her lips._

_“Very well.”_


End file.
